Is there a way forward after this?

[ChocolateOrangeAnything]

My DP has thrown out some bombshells throughout the course of this weekend… he no longer feels it’s the right time to us committing to buying a house together, and he no longer wants to get married within our current timescale.

Bit of a back story - we’ve both sold our individual houses, his has completed, mine is awaiting completion. We’ve been looking for a new house for months but the supply just isn’t there in our area. This has caused some friction because DP thinks (or thought) we should just move away to anywhere within around a 30 mile radius so we could buy a house and not have to rent. I said we should just rent in the short term as it’s a means to an end, and when the right house in the right location comes up we’ll proceed from there.

We were also planning on eloping and getting married in New York in December this year.

After an argument which escalated dramatically on Friday night he’s now done a full 360 and said the above. He’s also really angry with my reaction - I was distraught in the immediate aftermath and I’ve been pretty tearful/sad since. He just keeps repeating that he’s done the right thing and he’s being kinder to me by doing this than just carrying on. I do agree to an extent - I certainly don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry me, or to financially bind ourselves together if we’re no longer on the same page.

DP afterwards has said it’s now all just “not yet” rather than “not ever”, but he also said some really strange things about me needing to “convince” him about these things.

I’m definitely a talker and I think I’ve turned into this needy, sad mess over this. I’ve tried to talk to him but I’m probably just desperately looking for some sort of reassurance and it’s just making him angry.

I guess I’m totally rambling, he’s now just trying to carry on as normal, he keeps checking on me today (we both WFH) and keeps telling me he loves me - but I’m really, really struggling to see a way past this, I don’t know how I ever will. I feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath me and my life’s literally fallen apart over the weekend.

Any advice from anyone who’s been through similar? Should I just call it a day now and save the heartache again later?

I think this was probably a manoeuvre to make you toe the line over the house buying decision but he’s been shocked by your reaction and now doesn’t know how to fix it without admitting that he was just trying to blackmail you into giving in.

I'd fucking convince him. Fucking controlling twat.

I feel really annoyed on your behalf OP! What an idiot he's been!

It's hard to know if it is some kind of 'power play', training you to give in to his wishes when a decision needs to be made...or if he just wants to end things and is too cowardly to come out with it. (Maybe hoping you'll be the 'bad guy' so people will feel sorry for him?)

If I were you I'd stay at my parents' place to think about things for a while. You might find you manage fine without him.

So...Either a nasty coward pulling out or a nasty controller trying to reel you further in ('convince him' indeed! Twat). Either way, if you really do need to sell your house anyway proceed and find another place that's just for you. As you're thankfully not married to this prince believe me this is a GOLDEN opportunity to consign him to the bin where he belongs.

I've been in the other position, getting carried along with a decision I thought I wanted but as it became more a reality I realised that ultimately i was no longer as happy as i thought i was in the relationship. Its really horrific to then try and break that relationship up when really no one has done anything wrong BUT in doing what you know is the right you are the bastard/bitch breaking someones heart. I made a bit of a mess of the situation in my attempt to do it kindly. I did still love them and care for them but didn't want the same things anymore with them.

I am not saying this is how he is feeling BUT its better he says now than 6 months after you are married in a house that you jointly own.

If you decide to end things now he may realise that, actually, he does want all those things with you and it might be him having a wobble

Either way it's horrible and i send you a hug xx