I can't read my husband anymore

[beewritesx]

So I wouldn't call it an abusive relationship, although one of my best friends thinks he is coercive!

We've been together four years! At the start of our relationship, he spoilt me and told me he loved me after a month! He took me lovely places and bought me lots of gifts! He talked about how bad his ex was and how she expected him to pay for everything whilst refusing to work or lift a finger around the house. He told me that he'd helped raise her child while she took him for every penny and eventually cheated. He said she was crazy and lied about him being manipulative and controlling to try and justify her cheating!

Anyway, the first year was great! Then I fell pregnant with DS and I noticed he became a little possessive, but I brushed it off as we were recently engaged and I wanted things to work! During this time we were searching for a place to rent and he wanted to live in the town he'd grown up in. We live in a very rural area and I didn't drive at the time so I explained that I wanted to live somewhere more central as I travel everywhere by foot. The area we looked at was close to the surgery, supermarkets, park, both our families, etc (and only 15 minutes away from his hometown). But every house we looked at was "too expensive" (it wasn't) and unaffordable for him (as he was still in debt). I offered to pay the bond and split the rent regardless of maternity pay and he agreed to move into the final house we'd viewed (3-bed under £600). Once we moved in, he began finding lots of "problems" with it and complained that I'd rushed him into making a decision (to paraphrase). He claimed he felt uninvolved and that it had all been my decision! So what did I do? I rang the agency and asked them to make him the lead tenant!

Fast forward to after DS is born and we're recently married. I passed my driving test and was still working due to both our mothers being able to help with childcare. Then COVID hits and my dad is diagnosed with stage-4 bowel cancer and is bed bound! Understandably, my parents have to shield and so does MIL. I found the cost of childcare and fuel outweighed the benefit of going to work (I was on a zero-hour contract anyway) so I signed onto Universal Credit (made no difference to us financially!). During this time, ALL the bills are still split despite him earning over twice as much. I sold my car and basically ran out of my savings! He then bought a gaming PC on finance and told me it was for marketing/logo design as he had been made redundant and wanted to become self-employed. This didn't happen. He found another job and after some reluctance, agreed to pay the rent whilst I still paid for all the utilities, council tax AND food on less than £700 a month!

He often makes quips about the Govt paying me to sit on my arse, etc. I do all the housework, the bins, the garden, etc., so this isn't true! Then in the same breath he criticises me for going a million miles per hour and not spending enough time with him (because I'm "too busy cleaning"). He berated me in front of his family for not having many GCSEs (I pissed around in school) at a birthday party I'd thrown for him and also made remarks about my dad being a (now former) alcoholic previous to that (also in front of his family!).

He won't put me on his car insurance and claims we can't afford a second car, but complains about taking DS to birthday parties, etc. When I asked him to take us last night (it was today), he basically swore at me in front of his friends! He didn't bother getting me anything except a takeaway for my birthday, but wanted to take me out to buy underwear (for him, obviously!). He made snide remarks about me going out with friends but never wanting to drink with him.

Anyway, I've tried to have a calm conversation with him, but he cried and told me I don't understand the pressure he's under. He says he works five days a week in a job he hates just to have to sell his possessions to pay for his brakes to be repaired. When I gently pointed out that I can't even afford a car, he claimed that I make everything about me!

This evening, he seems genuinely sorry and is being very gentle and loving! I'm a mish mash of emotions and just feel like I can't read him anymore! 😥

What do I do?

Didn't want to read and run. This isn't a healthy relationship, you need to make plans to leave him, as soon as you can.

What exactly is he sorry for? Did he explain why he was behaving so unreasonably or was it just a generic “I’m so sorry if I upset you”? Because he sounds pretty awful and I’m with your friend to be honest.

I’ve no idea what the solution is but you need to start taking back some control. I’m not sure if you’re working again now but if not can you find something locally? Easier said than done I know.

He sounds awful! I think you need to work out how to do this without him. Can you go back to work? Can your parents now help with childcare again?

He is coercive.
It's classic behaviour - all the hot and cold, one minute has lovely, then sad, then angry, then depressed.
That's why your head is a mish mash, and the bonus for him is that he has slowly made the whole relationship about him and his moods.

Shielding is no longer required so can't your parents help with childcare now so you can go back to work? Sounds like there is some resentment there that you don't work whilst he does (yes I know you contribute to the bills)

@tiggerwhocamefortea My mother said she can't help with childcare as my dad is still very ill. He's bed bound and unable to get out of bed without a frame. She also cares for my brother who has autism and learning difficulties. My MIL works long shifts and would struggle, too.

We both worked out that by the time we paid for childcare, the added cost of fuel, AND the 65p deducted from UC, it wouldn't be that profitable. DS is only 2! That said, I was so fed up of our situation I did go back to my old job on a zero-hour contract! I'm going to try and make it work but DH says he can't afford childcare fees then berates me (it feels) for not working.

I actually feel like I can't get anything right! When I try to keep the house tidy he tells me I'm going a million miles per hour and have no time for him! But when I haven't cleaned or tidied things away (i.e. toys), he's made comments about it being a s*ithole, etc.

I wanted to start making him sandwiches for work (to save money), but he decided to go GF for a week. Then he told me in an argument last night that he's forced to eat crap food because he's got no money! I felt hurt as I do the majority of cooking/food shopping!

It feels like there's no pleasing him!

It feels like there's no pleasing him!

That's because there is no pleasing him. Because this is his intention. It's designed to unsettle you so you can't predict his response so you'll always be anxious and on edge. Whatever you do will be wrong. That's how he wants it to be.

In fact this is what pleases him..

And it will only get worse...

He love bombed you and once you were hooked started the control. As @GreyCarpet says, there is no pleasing him, and that’s the point because he’s made you into the problem rather than taking any responsibility himself - the gaming pc is a prime example, selfishly wasting money and then finding a way to make your financial situation your fault.

You can’t ‘win’ with this sort of person because the point isn’t for you to be ‘right’ if you obey his different demands, your role is to take the blame for all the problems in your relationship, household and with him. You’ve tried haven’t you? Done what he has demanded you do, only to find out time and time again following his commands is still ‘wrong’ according to him.

I hope you consider accepting this man is coercive and abusive and is not on your side.

Oh OP - I wish you had been on MN when you were getting together with this guy. The lovebombing and “madly demanding ex” storyline were both huge red flags. In his mind, you’re becoming the madly demanding partner but you’re not asking for anything unreasonable. As PP said - you will not be able to please him and his power over you will be that you keep trying to please you. Men like him don’t like women very much unless they’re passive and subordinate.

It’s also important not to give up work just because you would have very little money left after paying for childcare. We pretty much only broke even in the early years.

But working allows you financial independence, keeps you in the jobs market, allows you to maintain skills and so forth. It also gives you confidence. Some people love being SAHPs and are amazing at it and that’s fine but if you’d rather work, continue to work.

You may not be able to read him but we can - this is most certainly an abusive relationship . You need to start making plans to separate . Life shouldn't be this shitty .

And yes, I think this man is abusive.

He ticked just about every box on the red flag list i those early days, didn't he?

I'm sure I read this exact scenario yesterday in a different post. Yes he's a prick, no he won't change, you need to find a way to strike out on your own. He's coercively controlling and his behaviour is just a list of massive red flags from the outset.

Get back to work so you're not dependent on him

Yup! Get out! He's a monster and this will get worse.

Leave while your child is too small to remember and don't have any more kids with him!

What a manipulative man. He prepped you really well with the love bombing and bitching about his ex. If you read your post unattached you will recognise his behaviour as a very spoilt and manipulative man. You are running around reading his moods and fixing everything for him to avoid his criticism or being compared to his "awful ex".
Stop trying to "read" him and start taking your life back for your mental and your child's sake.

That's like reading about my ex. He was a total wanker too.

I was going to say can you go and stay with your parents for a while but it sounds like there is a lot going on there.

You can read your husband, the mask has dropped after a year. He's not the person he led you to believe. The person he portrayed himself to be and who he wants to be, doesn't exist. He kept up the act for 12 months but he couldn't do it forever.

beewritesx

Coercive control like you are further seeing now from him is abusive in nature. Having you run rings around him is what he likes; he actively enjoys seeing your discomfort here. He wants absolute power and control over you (and in turn your child).

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical in nature either. This is who he really is and he is not going to change. The "nice" act he did to draw you in was just that, an act, and one he could never hope to at all maintain.

Both the love bombing and comments re his ex were two red flags you sadly did not recognise or perhaps even minimised at the time. Its not your fault though, men like you describe are really master manipulators and know how to exploit their target. He targeted you deliberately. Once you were hooked in the control got further going. Now he is further financially abusing you and you're also now seeing the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. This relationship is over now or it should be. Your child too cannot afford to grow up in such a toxic and dysfunctional environment. He will in all likelihood also try and prevent you from heading back into the workplace in any capacity.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He won't want to let you go all that easily if at all because he enjoys the power and control he has. Therefore you're going to have to plan your exit from this with a lot of care. Your relationship is actually over purely because of the abuse he metes out towards you.

Woah, he's very abusive. You have to leave him.

I have had two ex partners that were as you describe. There is nothinbg you can do to out this right. He is a sociopathic narcissist and they are as toxic as hell. Get out while you still have your soul. As a PP put it upthread, the strain of keeping the mask up was too much. Now you are vulnerable and have a kid, he can do and say whatever he wants and you have to put up and shut up.

Don't. Get out by whatever means. They are nice enough to get a partner but once you are in the net, they are fucking vile.

I wonder what is your husband and your star sign?

I believe in astrology 70%.

I've gone through a similar stage with my husband.

I set my clear boundaries and that I EXPECT respect from him at all times.

We've been married for 16.5 years. Our son is 14.

I would carry on working especially when your son starts school even if it makes little financial sense.

I went back to work when our son was 5.5 months for that reason and yes, crazy childcare price of £825 a month in 2007 for 3 years, then it was £575 in 2010 when our son was 3.

I agree that every mum who has a working husband/partnershould have a choice to work or not before her child starts school.

*your husband's & your star signs

Well done for getting your driving licence, at least you aren't dependent on him driving you about. And you dodged a bullet by staying firm on where you wanted to live, it sounds like he wanted to move you far away from your support network. I'm not sure about him being "abusive" exactly that's quite a strong term, but he's definitely not right. He's coercive and controlling. And making you unhappy!
As PP said get out while your child is too young to remember.