So I wouldn't call it an abusive relationship, although one of my best friends thinks he is coercive!
We've been together four years! At the start of our relationship, he spoilt me and told me he loved me after a month! He took me lovely places and bought me lots of gifts! He talked about how bad his ex was and how she expected him to pay for everything whilst refusing to work or lift a finger around the house. He told me that he'd helped raise her child while she took him for every penny and eventually cheated. He said she was crazy and lied about him being manipulative and controlling to try and justify her cheating!
Anyway, the first year was great! Then I fell pregnant with DS and I noticed he became a little possessive, but I brushed it off as we were recently engaged and I wanted things to work! During this time we were searching for a place to rent and he wanted to live in the town he'd grown up in. We live in a very rural area and I didn't drive at the time so I explained that I wanted to live somewhere more central as I travel everywhere by foot. The area we looked at was close to the surgery, supermarkets, park, both our families, etc (and only 15 minutes away from his hometown). But every house we looked at was "too expensive" (it wasn't) and unaffordable for him (as he was still in debt). I offered to pay the bond and split the rent regardless of maternity pay and he agreed to move into the final house we'd viewed (3-bed under £600). Once we moved in, he began finding lots of "problems" with it and complained that I'd rushed him into making a decision (to paraphrase). He claimed he felt uninvolved and that it had all been my decision! So what did I do? I rang the agency and asked them to make him the lead tenant!
Fast forward to after DS is born and we're recently married. I passed my driving test and was still working due to both our mothers being able to help with childcare. Then COVID hits and my dad is diagnosed with stage-4 bowel cancer and is bed bound! Understandably, my parents have to shield and so does MIL. I found the cost of childcare and fuel outweighed the benefit of going to work (I was on a zero-hour contract anyway) so I signed onto Universal Credit (made no difference to us financially!). During this time, ALL the bills are still split despite him earning over twice as much. I sold my car and basically ran out of my savings! He then bought a gaming PC on finance and told me it was for marketing/logo design as he had been made redundant and wanted to become self-employed. This didn't happen. He found another job and after some reluctance, agreed to pay the rent whilst I still paid for all the utilities, council tax AND food on less than £700 a month!
He often makes quips about the Govt paying me to sit on my arse, etc. I do all the housework, the bins, the garden, etc., so this isn't true! Then in the same breath he criticises me for going a million miles per hour and not spending enough time with him (because I'm "too busy cleaning"). He berated me in front of his family for not having many GCSEs (I pissed around in school) at a birthday party I'd thrown for him and also made remarks about my dad being a (now former) alcoholic previous to that (also in front of his family!).
He won't put me on his car insurance and claims we can't afford a second car, but complains about taking DS to birthday parties, etc. When I asked him to take us last night (it was today), he basically swore at me in front of his friends! He didn't bother getting me anything except a takeaway for my birthday, but wanted to take me out to buy underwear (for him, obviously!). He made snide remarks about me going out with friends but never wanting to drink with him.
Anyway, I've tried to have a calm conversation with him, but he cried and told me I don't understand the pressure he's under. He says he works five days a week in a job he hates just to have to sell his possessions to pay for his brakes to be repaired. When I gently pointed out that I can't even afford a car, he claimed that I make everything about me!
This evening, he seems genuinely sorry and is being very gentle and loving! I'm a mish mash of emotions and just feel like I can't read him anymore! 😥
What do I do?