Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ex taking child on holiday over Christmas

37 replies

HuckleberryFields · 26/09/2021 23:02

My ex has said that he would like to take DS5 to Ireland over Christmas. Ex's partner's family live there which is the reason for going. When he first mentioned it I made my feelings known that I absolutely did not want that to happen and I would never ask the same of him. When I tried to arrange annual leave today he said in front of DS that he still wants to take him. (DS actually immediately said he didn't want to go). I said that we would discuss it in private.
Last year we agreed one would have Christmas Eve / Christmas Day and then go to other parent on boxing Day and switch each year. This would be his first year of having DS on Christmas Day. He hasn't given me exact dates yet but he alluded to it being at least a week and not returning in time for boxing day.
Ex's family all live near me so if he had to stay behind he would not be alone. DS has never been to Ireland or met her family. Ex does see him regularly but I fail to see how this is a reasonable request when he will miss out on time with half his family (the ones who see him the most) over Christmas at an age when he's so excited about it. He's never taken DS away anywhere before so suggesting taking him on a plane over Christmas is a big jump.
As you can probably tell I'm really upset about this so I would really appreciate some gentle advice on this one please as I'm not sure what's reasonable and how to respond.

OP posts:

changingsheets · 26/09/2021 23:06

If it was my child I would say hell no. You both agreed to share Christmas and if he goes that would break the agreement

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2021 23:12

Absolutely not. No way.

Why has he never taken him away before?

Is your contact arrangement private or official? Who’s got DS’s passport if he’s already got one? Has he met her family there before?

It sounds like he’s trying to impress her partner and her family, or he agreed with her they’d go there and he’s remembered he’s meant to have DS so wants to take him along.

I’d say no. You have Christmas contact agreed and you don’t consent to him changing it.

Based on usual behaviour what’s his response likely to be?

Original poster

HuckleberryFields · 26/09/2021 23:27

Thank you for your replies.

Ex was living several hours away until last summer when he and his partner moved in together near me and DS so before that he hadn't been having him regularly overnight which is why Christmas was more on my terms I guess because he was just less involved.

I'm not sure how it will go if I put my foot down to he honest. He can be quite difficult sometimes although recently we had been getting on well (typical!). I checked and you don't need a passport to travel to Ireland.

I agree that it seems like he doesn't want to have to choose between going away with her without DS or staying behind without GF.

It's really helpful to have an idea of what others think because I wasn't sure if I was just being selfish in wanting DS with me.

OP posts:

Shamoo · 26/09/2021 23:57

Not a chance. It would probably be different if it was his family, I think you would need to find a way to make it work every other year (although not for a whole week) but no chance if it’s just for his OH’s family.

Bbub · 27/09/2021 00:12

Is the issue DS being away at Xmas, your ex taking him away at all, or both? I'd let him go to he honest only if it was agreed he would be back by say 27th/28th. Some flexibility in arrangements is a good thing in my opinion. If you want to take him away one year and your ex wants to stick rigidly to the boxing day rule you would probably be pissed off.

It's not like it's ever year you'd be away from DS, you could make it clear it would be an exception.

I'd be more concerned with what the set up is in Ireland with the partner's family like where they will be staying, who with, how will they make sure DS has a great time etc.

My view is probably skewed by Christmas not being a big deal to me anyway, I know for others it can be a really big occasion.

Chloemol · 27/09/2021 00:32

No way

It’s not your problem if his partners family lives in Ireland and she wants to go

He has a choice , go with his GF and not see his child

Stay at home and see his child

But no way should he expect you to not see your child over Christmas. Added to which if you child has already said he doesn’t want to go that’s the answer

Ionlydomassiveones · 27/09/2021 00:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Pallisers · 27/09/2021 00:40

he wants to go to Ireland for Christmas and have a great time with his partner and her family.

He wants to be able to say to your son "I'd have taken you with me but your bad mother wouldn't let me"

He doesn't actually care that much about his son and where he spends christmas - if he did he would make sure he spent it with his mum, dad, and extended family instead wanting him to spend it with his girlfriend's family. But imo he actually doesn't want your son there- would put too much of a stop to his gallop.

Hapoydayz · 27/09/2021 00:44

Same old story. He doesn't see much, gets girlfriend then suddenly wants holiday time. So you get to do all the term time homework etc. Then he has Christmas. The fact your ds initial reaction was no says it all really. He has the opportunity to see his ds at Christmas but it doesn't fit in with his plans. Why should you and your son miss out because of this. Say no.

Merriwicks · 27/09/2021 00:44

Not a chance in hell. It isn't even to his family! It is to a family he doesn't know. Definitely not. These years are so precious. (not that it makes any difference but I am Irish and I still disagree with this)

Merriwicks · 27/09/2021 00:49

In addition to previous reply (I just sent of my initial no as I can't even believe he thinks that is OK). Do you have a contact arrangement. Does he know that your son is to come back on 26th? You could offer to swap so he can travel to Ireland on 26th with him for a week. Or he can go week before Christmas and have home back for 26th (although I also dislike this idea personally as I just think it confuses the whole magic of santa). I know friends who have split still go to each others houses Christmas morning for opening of presents, is this something you had been doing, that with him travelling to Ireland wouldn't be possible? It just feels very unfair to you and your son as this trip to Ireland is all about your ex and his new partner.

Pallisers · 27/09/2021 00:53

@Hapoydayz

I actually think this Prince among men doesn't even want Christmas. He just wants OP to say no so he can think/say/tell everyone including his mother "I offered to have him but that bitch refused me" while he swans off and has christmas in Ireland with no child-care worries.

feel sorry for the new girlfriend.

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/09/2021 01:00

It's not like it's ever year you'd be away from DS, you could make it clear it would be an exception.

But an exception made for the girlfriend, not her DS. He doesn't want to go.

user1481840227 · 27/09/2021 03:42

There always seems to be travel chaos at Christmas time with weather delays and the sheer amount of extra people travelling. This year will probably be even worse as many couldn't travel last year. I'm in Ireland and they haven't ruled out more restrictions either so no one knows what's going to happen there.

Aside from that, it's absolutely not a reasonable request to take a 5 year old away for a week and miss all of the biggest days of the Christmas season with you.

@Pallisers
If she was ok with this idea and didn't even point out that maybe it wasn't fair on the child and the mother then I wouldn't feel one bit sorry for her. Of course we don't know what she said but I know if I was seeing a man with small children and he wanted to do the same I'd say of course I'd love to have your child with us but it's not really fair if the child and mother don't want that.

Smurf123 · 27/09/2021 03:55

Where are you op? It's not exactly far to get from England/Scotland to Ireland so surely he could bring him back on Boxing Day as normal?
I wouldn't want to be away from my kids on Christmas but it sounds like you aren't going to see him to Boxing Day anyway?
You don't need to a passport to fly but you do need photographic id do you ds would/ should need his passport though

Smurf123 · 27/09/2021 04:01

Just noticed your ds said he didn't want to go though! He should get a say in it if it's not his dads family he's staying with. I'd be more understanding if he was going to see dads family

Selttan · 27/09/2021 04:02

Why can't he go Boxing Day and have the week then?

That way you still get Christmas Day with DS.

user1481840227 · 27/09/2021 04:15

@Smurf123
Even if he got a flight on the 26th that would surely take up a big chunk of the day.

I don't think under 16s need photo ID if travelling with a parent but that might not be for all airlines.

itsgettingwierd · 27/09/2021 04:20

Your da doesn't want to go.

That's enough to say no

twoandeights · 27/09/2021 04:23

This is your child not the girlfriends and her family do not matter one bit. They are nothing and do not get to figure in your Xmas plans with your child. You are doing the bulk of the childcare and he is your son. Christmas is the reward for the rest of the year long slog. It is a NO. You could be reasonable when you don’t need to be and offer to swap round days so you have Xmas eve/Xmas day and he can fly out with him on Boxing Day. If that fits in with your plans. Or just say no. Say you are due to have him on Boxing Day and that plan remains. Is he likely to fly out with him anyway? Go against your wishes and just not return him? Are you sure a child doesn’t need a passport to travel to Ireland?

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/09/2021 04:27

How old is ds op ? Have i missed it.000

user1481840227 · 27/09/2021 04:29

Totally agree @twoandeights

I'd be stunned if the girlfriends family thought this was a good idea anyway..even if they are excited their daughter is coming home. I'd feel awful that the child was away from home and the rest of their family.

@Starlightstarbright1 He's 5 I think (she said DS5)

PennyWus · 27/09/2021 04:30

No, I'd refuse that request. How boring and awful for a child of 5 to be taken away for Christmas to a virtual stranger's family. If it was for a summer holiday then ok, but definitely not for Christmas. Your ex can have Christmas day with his child here then join his girlfriend on boxing day, or he can ask to flip the Christmas arrangements match last year, and take the child on Boxing day if he so wishes.

timeisnotaline · 27/09/2021 04:30

Hi ex, I’m not willing to change our sharing Christmas arrangement so that I don’t see ds for either Christmas or Boxing Day, add to that it’s not his family in ireland and he said he wasn’t keen when you askrd him. I don’t think many 5yos would want to join someone else’s family Christmas instead of their own.
If you like however I can swap days for this year so I have ds Christmas Day and you can take him away on Boxing Day . Let me know, otherwise I will expect ds by 8am Boxing Day ( or whatever the usual plan is)

Dramallama123 · 27/09/2021 04:31

Whilst it’s not ideal, I don’t think you can dictate what is done on your sons time with his Dad, or if he wants to take him away. It’s not unreasonable for your Ex to take him on holiday for a weekend( although the timing is not) Overtime life changes and both you and he are likely to have new partners and will want to spend special occasions with their child and their new partner. Saying that your half of the family is more important is not on. Dads partner is part of Dad’s family, although obviously he doesn’t know the rest of her family. However you did make an arrangement about the holiday period and chopping and changing is not good for the child if they know what the arrangement. Your DS is 5 and I agree it is the adults that’s need to have the discussion. He is too young to make the decision and also split families too much pressure can be put on the kids to decide when it should be an adult decision ( how do you chose between your mum and dad). Also that age he doesn’t really understand what the going away will be about just that it is different ( there is nothing bad with it being different. Realistically after splitting things are not the same and special events need to be done differently and this may means with mum one year and dad the next, so both parents get the quality time. I know that you are splitting Xmas and it is more the fact he is away for the whole period and doesn’t know the rest of family( and also I suppose if the partner is fairly new) He may have a great time and have some new traditions. I would suggest that either dad has him week before Xmas and returns on Boxing Day. Or you decide that Xmas time is alternated so that dad has this year for the week over Xmas, you get for other week of holidays and it is alternated the year after.

Flip

1 2