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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner ignores me when I talk.

36 replies

MRH642209 · 26/09/2021 18:00

My partner ignores me when I talk. Then says he answered me which he clearly did not because I was watching his mouth ( no movement, not even a grunt). On the rare occation I have been able to talk with him (twice in 4 years), if I ask what he heard me say, his answer is something way off. For example: I say I'm sad because we're not have sex or snuggling anymore........he responds, sounds like you don't like me. WTH??? What it sounds like is maybe He doesnt like me anymore. There are too many examples to put them all here of times he does nit respind to me (daily). He provides, cooks, cleans, is smart, funny ..... but here's the thing that might be causing no response (?) He has ADHD inattentive type (used to be called ADD) he also smokes a lot of pot. It makes me so sad he won't resond to me because he's great in other ways but are those enough to make up for feeling like I'm trying to communicate with an unresponsive zoombie?? He's also a teacher and has tons of female friends ( has no problem talking, texting, ANSWERING them). Oh and he's a Leo astrological sign and I'm a Virgo. Thank you for any feedback!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/09/2021 18:04

And you are with this man at all now because....

Why is your relationship bar this low that you are putting up with a non communicating pot smoker?. What are you getting out of this relationship?.

Your star signs here also are completely irrelevant to the issue at hand.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/09/2021 18:05

How is he great in other ways exactly?. You do not specify anything good regarding him at all and he is really treating you with the utmost contempt.

Pinkbonbon · 26/09/2021 18:12

It's not a star sign mismatch issue...its a 'you're dating a dickhead' issue.

CoastalSwimmer · 26/09/2021 18:15

I think this might be satire!

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 26/09/2021 18:17

@Pinkbonbon

It's not a star sign mismatch issue...its a 'you're dating a dickhead' issue.
Grin
MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 14:01

How is he great in other ways exactly?.....
Pays all bills, plays board games, we paddle board, kayak and bike together. However, I lived in WNC and am fond of hiking whick he cant do (back issue). He is not jealous and not controlling. He's funny. He's generous. My past relationships have been with controlling/ jealous men so he is the best one I've ever dated in many ways. Does not tell me what to wear. However, if Im living with someone Id like to have "sober" conversations and I feel he stonewalls me.

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MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 14:02

Also, Im 57 and dont want to grow/be old alone. I like his family.

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Elieza · 27/09/2021 14:17

Sounds like he’s not into you the way you are into him.

Is it more like you are flat mates or siblings or something?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2021 14:19

You've basically gone from one type of abuser straight into the arms of another abuser. Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse.

If this is the best man you've been in a relationship with then I would hate to think what these other men have been like.

What happened to you when you were growing up; was your parents relationship itself abusive?.

Its better actually to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied; is he all you think you deserve of and from a relationship?. You need to look at the Freedom Programme online urgently. You may be 57 but you're not that old and certainly not too old to rebuild your life, a life free from being abused. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and you are not some rehab facility for a badly raised man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2021 14:21

You're alone emotionally within this relationship and that is a bad place for you to be in.

Dillydollydingdong · 27/09/2021 14:32

Sounds like he's a very nice man in all ways, except that he doesn't enter into conversation. You say he's funny but doesn't he have to be in a conversation to do that? You say he's got Attention Deficit Disorder. Is that the cause of the problem? Maybe you'll just have to phone a friend if you want chat (or get an Alexa?)Wink

JauntyJinty · 27/09/2021 14:39

Do you try to converse while you're doing things like paddleboarding and playing boardgames? If so what is he link then?

MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 14:54

We converse about things he is imterested in when he's using pot (which is almost daily). Outside of the pot using times there is no conversation. He's even said, "That doesn't interest me call a friend." He's funny when using and once in a while when he's not.... one liners or making faces, he's a teacher. I'm interested in frequency, vibration, thoughts and how they effect our life. He's not into that. My dad died by suicide when I was 15, been to therapy for that. Currently doing EMDR w a therapist.

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MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 14:55

Not because of my dad, Im goid w that. But for a coupke past abusive relationships.....lies, cheating, emo abd verbal abuse.

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JauntyJinty · 27/09/2021 15:05

So is it just when you're talking about "frequncy, vibration, thougths and how they effect our life." that he blanks you and zones out?

TBH that's all a bit woo for me, and I'd probably not respond well to it either. If he's happy to converse about other things with you I think you should accept this is an area you dont have in common and keep that kind of chat to other friends. he may not like you constantly bringing up your belifes when he's made it clear he doesn't share them. It's fine to be in a relatoinship and have seperate interests, espacially when you have so many other things that you do share.

MissyB1 · 27/09/2021 15:05

I’m most concerned about the fact that this Pothead is a teacher, the kids he teaches deserve better than that. You have a choice, they don’t.

Honestly stop setting the bar so bloody low!

MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 15:11

He is also incapable of having an adult convo about any issues we may have. He retreats to bed sometimes for 2 days.

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MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 15:17

I try talking about other things too. Ive taken to watching baseball w him, we talk about that. We talk about his work but not mine. We talk about what to eat. Im just so tired of trying and when I call friends he says things like "you were busy on phone, or Im not the one that left for 3 hours to be alone." I went to beach for my bday to be alone. I dont like going to beach w him, he looks at girls (used to take pics of butts but I stopped that), he's basically a 14 yo boy.... loud music, fast driving ( i stopped riding in car w him).

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MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 15:18

I dont talk about my beliefs anymore bc he laughs at them.

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MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 15:18

FYI: A lot of his teacher friends use pot. Guess theyre not tested. I was surprised actually!

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Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2021 15:20

Your standards are so low they're in the gutter. You don't have a relationship with this loser.

MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 15:22

The saddest part is that I have started partaking (mj) in order to have a convo on his level. 😔 Which causes me to feel bad about myself!

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MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 15:23

He was able to converse in beginning..... how do you set bar higher??? Date for a year until the spots show? IDK..... ? ideas?

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Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2021 15:25

how do you set bar higher???

You dump him and find a man who actually has a shred of respect and interest for you.

MRH642209 · 27/09/2021 15:26

I also feel scared financially. Can I support myself? My $56,000 student loan is now just under $200,000 cause the interest compounds DAILY! Im on a program but it continues to grow, its criminal.

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