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Original poster

Can't stand small children - red flag?

50 replies

Lomita277 · 26/09/2021 13:25

I just had a second date with new person OLD (same as the first two in that after second date thinks we have loads in common and are compatible).

This person seems very nice, considerate, smart and interesting. On his profile he stated outright that he did not want children and never did (his split with first wife was due to this).

That's fine, I am way past child age anyway but one thing he mentioned particularly seemed like amber or red flag. I told him that I would expect him to get on with my adult kids and he seemed fine with that. He even said that he dated someone else with primary school kids. Then, without my even mentioning it he said that maybe my kids would have children some day and he didn't know if he would be able to really tolerate babies and small children around.

Well, here is my current situation. One DC in college, other working. I live alone, recently separated, no family to support me where I live, and I adore my children. Just that. If they have kids, if they need help with them, even if they need to live here with me and their kids to save money, I am more than happy to do that.

I'd better tell him this now!
What do you all think? Red Flag?
He has a dog and I don't like dogs but I would be willing to try and adapt...

OP posts:

dramalessllama · 26/09/2021 13:31

My exH HATED children. He said they were "awful."

For me, it turned out to be a red flag in hindsight. He hated children because he couldn't control them.

OrangeTortoise · 26/09/2021 13:34

Yes, this would be a red flag for me. Fine to not want children of his own, but if you want to someday be an active, involved grandparent it sounds like that may be a problem.

AlfonsoTheMango · 26/09/2021 13:35

Adapting to a dog is not the same as adapting to small children. Ultimately, the two of you are not compatible.

girlmom21 · 26/09/2021 13:35

I wouldn't waste my time.

Notaroadrunner · 26/09/2021 13:37

You're just not compatible, so best not to see each other again. It's not a negative for him to dislike children and at least he's being open about it at the beginning, which has given you the option to end things now.

mrsbitaly · 26/09/2021 13:37

It's good that he was honest with you but I would walk away. It would be so difficult to have someone like that around especially as he's made his feelings so clear he obviously feels strongly about it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/09/2021 13:38

One to block.

Unless you fancy being unable to ever help your children out or being a grandparent. Or forever having to leave places because there are small children around and he can't stand the sight or sound of them just being out in public - so no festivals, pubs, restaurants, museums, beaches, tourism, etc, etc.

It's embarrassing being with somebody who kicks up a fuss because there's a small, perfectly well behaved child - easier to stay at home and never leave the house, which makes a good case for coercive control being on the menu.

Theworldishard · 26/09/2021 13:39

To be fair he's been open and honest with you and past relationships and that's better that he hasn't become a dad, only to then not be involved. People would then have criticised him for having children. That was a sensible decision. Not everyone likes kids and it doesn't make them a monster. It seems he is warning you that he won't want to take on a 'step - grandad' style if you were to become a grandma in the future.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/09/2021 13:40

It’s not a red flag per se, it is simply an incompatibility. People have every right to not want to be around babies/small children. He is also being honest with you. I would not pursue this relationship if you foresee yourself doing childcare for grandchildren.

HollowTalk · 26/09/2021 13:42

There's really no point in continuing with this, is there?

Generalpost · 26/09/2021 13:46

So what happens when your adult children have children of their own. They would feel hated by him if you got into a long term thing. It would be difficult to have a relationship with your grandchildren. I would say red flag

Dery · 26/09/2021 13:46

"It’s not a red flag per se, it is simply an incompatibility. People have every right to not want to be around babies/small children. He is also being honest with you. I would not pursue this relationship if you foresee yourself doing childcare for grandchildren."

This. It may not be so much that he dislikes small children but rather that he knows they're noisy and require a great deal of energy and attention from whoever is in charge of them and he doesn't want to provide it. Anyway, whatever the source of the feeling, it sounds like this isn't going to work. As PP have said - it's good he's been honest so early on.

grapewine · 26/09/2021 13:46

@PlanDeRaccordement

Agree with this. It's not automatically a character flaw not to be keen on small children, but it doesn't seem to fit with your life.

ohthatbloodycat · 26/09/2021 14:00

I work with young children and think they mostly rock! So I couldn't go for a guy who was so incompatible with this.

gunnersgold · 26/09/2021 14:04

I don't really like small children , I actively avoid situations with them in even though I have 2. Is it that weird ? At least he is honest .

Pinkbonbon · 26/09/2021 14:11

In not a kid fan either but what he said was rude.

Plus he is basically saying that if he joins your family and kids become a part of it in any way then either he will walk or he will be shit with them.

Not a nice thing to say on a date.
He could have just said he didn't want kids and leave it at that.

I'd take it as a red flag. Not because he doesn't like kids but because he clearly doesn't have boundaries.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/09/2021 14:17

I don’t think it was rude, and just saying you don’t want kids when you really don’t even want to be around any kids isn’t being completely honest. Besides, we are not talking about a twenty-something or even thirty-something year old here. OP has adult children so OP doesn’t have time to waste in relationships slowly finding out that “I don’t want kids” really means “I can’t stand children and can’t be around them”. Dating when you’re older generally means not faffing about and being direct and honest about what your boundaries really are from the start.

Shakeyourface · 26/09/2021 14:20

Not liking small children is fine. But raising ‘not being able to tolerate’ hypothetical grandchildren on a second date is a red flag to me. Most people don’t love other people’s kids but sounds like he has an actual problem if he’s so concerned as to raise it now. He sounds odd

LaBellina · 26/09/2021 14:23

I wouldn’t want to date someone who sounds like they would make a fuss over an occasional visit of grandchildren let alone want to participate in things like babysitting, day trips etc. Ofcourse it’s not a given that you’ll ever become a grandmother but someone who clearly dislikes children so strongly seems odd and unpleasant.

category12 · 26/09/2021 14:36

Wouldn't fit in with my vision of how I want life to be if my dc have children one day - I would want to be an active gp babysitting overnight etc and maybe holidaying together, and so on.

So he'd be a nope for me.

Original poster

Lomita277 · 26/09/2021 14:36

The minute he said it, it just had an undertone of opting out from that part of the relationship and to be honest, I find it weird because I want to take things really slowly, and like the other 2 I dated (I'm really new to this) he is already thinking we have a relationship.

And I wasn't always a maternal person who was crazy about kids. Got married at 30 and only then was I interested in having my own. Married into noisy, chaotic Irish family who did everything together so had loads of small cousins around all the time. I find, now that I am separated and my adult DC are independent, that I actually miss the presence of the kids. That's why I am totally on board to be there for any grandchildren.

Also I always thought that if I met someone else with kids I would make an effort to get to know them and develop some kind of relationship based on what they wanted and needed...

OP posts:

RavingAnnie · 26/09/2021 14:38

It's not a "red flag". He's being very honest about what he wants upfront which is great. If that doesn't work for you, you are not compatible and need to move on.

Pinkbonbon · 26/09/2021 14:43

Your last paragraph - Thats exactly it op, I have no desire to have kids of my own but if someone I developed a bond with had them in their family then I would adapt as best as I could and surely grow to love them.

If he doesn't feel he could do that then he shouldn't be dating someone who that mayb happen with. And tbh, as kids happen in most families in some way shape or form (nieces, grandkids ect..
)..maybe he shouldn't be dating at all.

But the bigger red flag is him acting as if you are a couple already. That sounds like part of 'love bombing' and is a red flag for a narcissistic personality or similar.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 26/09/2021 14:45

@dramalessllama

My exH HATED children. He said they were "awful."

For me, it turned out to be a red flag in hindsight. He hated children because he couldn't control them.

Absolutely this.

whymewhyme · 26/09/2021 14:47

Red flag

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