Page 2 | Can't stand small children - red flag?

Pinkbonbon · 26/09/2021 14:48

@RavingAnnie

It's not a "red flag". He's being very honest about what he wants upfront which is great. If that doesn't work for you, you are not compatible and need to move on.

Upfront would be - I don't want kids as I don't particularly like them.

Not: your kids better not have kids because I would not be able to tolerate them around.
(Implication being: you would obviously have to choose me over spending time with your grandchildren)

bananafruitcake · 26/09/2021 14:50

@gunnersgold

I don't really like small children , I actively avoid situations with them in even though I have 2. Is it that weird ? At least he is honest .

Completely agree. Until I had my child I would have actively avoided all situations with small children

gogohm · 26/09/2021 14:51

It's not a red flag really, he's just being honest and you can decide whether it's a case of he would be a bit of fun for a bit or really you are not compatible. What you mustn't think is "perhaps he'll change" he might but don't get further into a relationship thinking like that.

Pinkbonbon · 26/09/2021 14:58

@gogohm

It's not a red flag really, he's just being honest and you can decide whether it's a case of he would be a bit of fun for a bit or really you are not compatible. What you mustn't think is "perhaps he'll change" he might but don't get further into a relationship thinking like that.

But why didn't HE decide they weren't compatible?

Ge realised that grandkids might be part of the picture some day and he doesn't want that yet he is still acting like this is the relationship for him.

So essentially he is saying 'I believe you should choose me, a man you've met twice, over your future grandkids' OR "I don't expect I'll hang around that long (not that I want you to know this) so it doesn't matter'.

ScumbagDave · 26/09/2021 15:02

Not a romantic relationship, but a friend of mine hated children and babies. I thought she was just kidding but then she was openly cruel (in the way she spoke) towards some actual living children. I couldn't believe anyone would genuinely be like this. Not just to not like being around kids, but to actively hate them? Really weird and yes she did turn out to be horrible in other ways.

I'd say amber flag, as I depends how he frames it. Also yes, why does he hate it? Being around small kids? That can be telling. As a pp said if it's because he can't control them or if it's because he can't bear for someone to get more attention than him, then he's an asshole and it will come out in other ways even if he never so much as lays eyes on a baby the whole time you're together.

It's a weird one and a big turn off for me, but it's very personal. I couldn't be with anyone who said they hated babies any more than I could be with someone who said they hated the elderly or disabled.

BlusteryLake · 26/09/2021 15:05

This to me feels like a man who doesn't like to share his partner in any way. One thing not wanting children yourself, but a whole different level to say that you would not be tolerant of a potential partner's family.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/09/2021 15:07

@Pinkbonbon

This came up on their second date, so it’s early days. They both felt they had lots in common and were compatible from the OP. They’ve had an honest discussion about his boundaries regarding children and it now appears they are not as compatible as they thought they were at the start of date #2. So OP is having a think, as one does.

I don’t agree he’s saying anything like “choose me over your future grandkids” that’s just insane projection. All he said was he “he didn't know if he would be able to really tolerate babies and small children around.” ergo, he needs to have a think about it.

He’s probably sitting there thinking what a shame, not as compatible as we thought from first date.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 26/09/2021 15:13

The dog part of it would be enough for me! There’s no reasoning with dog people about their dogs. If you start staying at his there’ll be the smell, hair, slobber, unpredictable barking, jumping on you with their scratchy claws, chewing, licking, don’t get me started on the farting

Mebster · 26/09/2021 15:15

I'd call it a red flag. He's putting you on notice that close connections with your DC and other extended family will not be tolerated if it involves children and, likely, any other "messiness." Men who try to separate their partners from friends and family are usually very controlling and often abusive.

TedMullins · 26/09/2021 15:18

He sounds like my kinda guy as I don’t like small children either and would not choose to be around them. I’m not openly nasty to them obviously but in general I find them tedious and irritating and I wouldn’t choose to date anyone who had them or spent a lot of time around them. I don’t think this is a red flag, but it is an incompatibility. As long as he’s not being unpleasant to, or wishing harm on, children, he’s entitled to feel that he doesn’t enjoy their company and wants to live out his life avoiding them where he can with someone else who feels similar. You don’t agree - that’s also fine. He isn’t the person for you. Doesn’t make him a terrible person.

Whatwentwronghere · 26/09/2021 15:26

Just walk away. If you feel like your future grandkids are going to be walking on egg shells or potentially feel unwelcome in your home then what's the point? He's not going to add anything to your life if you see your own future as being involved with gc.

jimmyjammy001 · 26/09/2021 15:31

Sounds like he's been upfront and honest at an early stage, most blokes don't want to be dealing with someone else's young children and all the usual problems and hassle that come with them, not because they can't control them, why should he, he would probs much rather be out doing the things he enjoys then dealing with someones else's children.
I'd call it quits now as it will just lead to resentment and arguments later on down the line.

QueeniesCroft · 26/09/2021 15:32

Ah well, at least you didn't invest too much time in him. Not a keeper, but no actual damage done.

alwayswrighty · 26/09/2021 15:34

My DH and I had a conversation like this early on. Neither of us wanted more children and if we're honest neither of us want to deal with grandchildren yet. We both work very long hours, have 2 dogs and very little time to ourselves so selfishly we don't want to be looking after grandchildren. Although it appears our children don't want children yet either.

alwayswrighty · 26/09/2021 15:34

Presses send too quick. Maybe he just wants his time to himself.

LynetteScavo · 26/09/2021 15:36

He's just not right for you.

MIL married someone who pesky like small children, but then she want bothered about having future grandchildren around all the time. The grandchildren that came along are now all teens and adults, and he gets in perfectly fine with them, but they're certainly not close.

Marrying someone like this was fine for MIL, but wouldn't be fine for you.

The reason MILs DH doesn't like small children is because he's very anxious and crying puts him on edge, and he's scared they're going to break something, so it could be an indication he's a bit anxious?

marieantoinehairnet · 26/09/2021 15:39

Who says these kind of things, and do people really hate kids that much... the red flag for me might be that he's giving a clear sign that he can't be around them, maybe there are other red flags, could he be a paedo?

CandyLeBonBon · 26/09/2021 15:44

@Lomita277

I just had a second date with new person OLD (same as the first two in that after second date thinks we have loads in common and are compatible).

This person seems very nice, considerate, smart and interesting. On his profile he stated outright that he did not want children and never did (his split with first wife was due to this).

That's fine, I am way past child age anyway but one thing he mentioned particularly seemed like amber or red flag. I told him that I would expect him to get on with my adult kids and he seemed fine with that. He even said that he dated someone else with primary school kids. Then, without my even mentioning it he said that maybe my kids would have children some day and he didn't know if he would be able to really tolerate babies and small children around.

Well, here is my current situation. One DC in college, other working. I live alone, recently separated, no family to support me where I live, and I adore my children. Just that. If they have kids, if they need help with them, even if they need to live here with me and their kids to save money, I am more than happy to do that.

I'd better tell him this now!
What do you all think? Red Flag?
He has a dog and I don't like dogs but I would be willing to try and adapt...

My mums husband is like this. We never go down to see her and she is only 'allowed' to come and see us once every three months or so.we've never been to allowed to see her at Christmas for 20 years.

She knew this about him before she married him and regrets all the years she put him before family. She's stick with him now and my kids are all in their teens so she's missed out.

Walk away if involvement with your dgc is important to you. He's told you who he is.

grapewine · 26/09/2021 15:45

@marieantoinehairnet

Who says these kind of things, and do people really hate kids that much... the red flag for me might be that he's giving a clear sign that he can't be around them, maybe there are other red flags, could he be a paedo?

That's a bit of a leap!

Muttly · 26/09/2021 15:48

Not a romantic relationship, but a friend of mine hated children and babies. I thought she was just kidding but then she was openly cruel (in the way she spoke) towards some actual living children. I couldn't believe anyone would genuinely be like this. Not just to not like being around kids, but to actively hate them? Really weird and yes she did turn out to be horrible in other ways.

^i had a very similar experience to this it became a very difficult situation.

billy1966 · 26/09/2021 15:59

Don't waste your time with him.

AlfonsoTheMango · 26/09/2021 16:45

@marieantoinehairnet

Who says these kind of things, and do people really hate kids that much... the red flag for me might be that he's giving a clear sign that he can't be around them, maybe there are other red flags, could he be a paedo?

Seriously? I have read some incredibly stupid posts in my time but this is, by far, the stupidest.

Notmoresugar · 26/09/2021 16:50

I've come across this before - it just doesn't work. This is obviously very deep-rooted and leopards don't change their spots.

My advice would be to avoid him like the plague.

A shame because the other things you say about him sound good but you really would be setting yourself up for a whole lot of grief and sadness in the future.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/09/2021 16:52

Not a red flag (which is an indicator of possible abusive behaviour) but certainly a sign of probable incompatibility.

NowEvenBetter · 26/09/2021 16:54

I don’t like kids and actively avoid being around them, so I can’t imagine wanting do date a parent. There’s plenty of women in the childfree community who he’d have more in common with. You not liking dogs is a huge issue too, since peoples dogs are part of their day to day life.