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Original poster

Would you wait for love?

45 replies

httdwefb · 26/09/2021 13:03

Long story short but I've fallen in love with a guy who is still living with his wife! Now before you all judge they are separated and have been for a bout 6 months. They've both been seeing other people but stayed living in the same house (separate beds) for the sake of the kids and until they decided this was definitely what they wanted before selling the family home.

I've been seeing this guy for a few months now and we have both fallen in love. He's always been totally honest about his home life, his wife is aware of me and I have no reason to doubt anything he has told me.

We speak several times a day and are both honest with our feelings for one another.
As our relationship has progressed I've explained I was becoming uncomfortable with him still living there and we spoke about how we can get out of this situation and realistically the only option is for him to move to his parents temporarily. We've both agreed that this is the best way to proceed.

However the last few days his wife has suffered a bereavement, close family, and asked him to make another go of it with him and he said no he's with someone else and happy. We've spoken about this and I've said it changes the situation slightly and I'd like him to speed up leaving the home which he agrees has got to happen but given the circumstances it's difficult

Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed a happy ending? I'm really happy with this guy, we have similar values and want similar things in life. we've spoken about our future and I think we're a really good match.

I just don't know how long I'm expected to wait? Or if I even should??

OP posts:
someonesomewhere7 · 26/09/2021 13:27

Nope, in your situation I wouldn't. There's plenty of guys out there who i would be equally compatible with and had chemistry with but without all this baby mamma baggage. Very few men are worth all that drama.

But I'm 30, never married, no kids, no baggage. So that depends on your standing too I guess.

someonesomewhere7 · 26/09/2021 13:29

Even if he moves out, she'll never be out of the picture. And you'll have to navigate all that step parenting too. So many possible sources of tension and anxiety. I couldn't be bothered cause I know I deserve better than that.

Original poster
httdwefb · 26/09/2021 14:53

I'm late 30's and I have a child myself and have a great relationship with his father so I have no concerns about that.

Realistically at my age I expect most men will have baggage of some description?

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 26/09/2021 15:01

Tbh I would have run a mile at getting involved with someone with this living arrangement in the first place. Legally he is still married apart from anything else.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 26/09/2021 15:02

It seems to me this is all moving far too fast. They haven't even properly split up yet. In your shoes I'd want to be quite sure their marriage was being dissolved and the family split up for reasons wholly between the two of them, and I'd back off till that had all happened and he moved out on his own. Then we'd see, taking things slowly.

I'd need him to prove that good faith to me before considering a long term relationship with him. Far too often on MN we read men only move out when they've got another option to go to. Don't be that easy option.

Srirachachacha · 26/09/2021 15:07

Don't wait. Run.

Buildingthefuture · 26/09/2021 15:08

I do not agree with PP about kids/ex wives etc. Lots of people (me included) make that work. However, I would absolutely not countenance him living with his wife. Simply because you have no idea what actually goes on in that house, only what he tells you. I’m sorry OP, but I would find it all extremely suspect….

Polmuggle · 26/09/2021 15:10

I disagree, I think if you're already in love then yes I would wait it out

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/09/2021 15:27

I’d move on and find love somewhere less complicated. For one thing, you only have his word for it that his wife knows they’re separated, that they’re sleeping in separate beds, that he can’t leave her because of recent events; for another, he’s clearly still enmeshed with her and his living situation and you could spend years waiting for him to decide on the “right” time to cut her loose. It’s just not worth the angst it’ll give you, considering you’ve only known him a few weeks and are ultimately his rebound.

Fluffypastelslippers · 26/09/2021 15:38

They have been separated for 6 months, you have been seeing him for a few months? What on earth made you get involved with a man who had just separated but still lives with his wife?

Walk away. Quickly. You don't love this guy. You probably love the idea.

Fireflygal · 26/09/2021 15:38

How old is he? How long married, any children? There is a major risk that he will be on the rebound. Ending a marriage takes time and he is probadly still in that state of wanting something to take the pain away...that could be you!

Did you meet him on a dating site?

someonesomewhere7 · 26/09/2021 15:39

Being in love is overrated and by no means does it guarantee a happy healthy relationship. OP needs to be smart about it, not blinded by infatuation and desire.

Fluffypastelslippers · 26/09/2021 15:40

I don't know how you could be in love with a man that goes home to another woman every night.

Resilience · 26/09/2021 15:51

Walk away. They've only been separated 6 months and you've been seeing him for a good chunk of that. No way has this guy even begun to work through the emotional fallout of his relationship breakdown, let alone learn any lessons he may need to learn from it. What he has told you though is that he'd rather distract himself from something painful than deal with it. That's not a trait I'd be looking for in a future partner.

Womaninthistown · 26/09/2021 17:30

God no, don’t wait. He’s married. Not sure you can say separated when you are still shacked up &, if it’s true, it’s only been six months.

How the devil did you meet?

someonesomewhere7 · 26/09/2021 17:33

What example are you setting for your kids by dating a married man? It's not a dignified position.Tell him to give you a call when he's divorced and moved out.

thesearelaughterlines · 26/09/2021 17:33

No , walk away
He's not even properly separated . You will probably think he is but surely this latest development demonstrates it's never been over .
Only go for an available man next time

seensome · 26/09/2021 17:43

I do feel it's unfair when men or people get themselves into another relationship when they aren't in the best position to be in one.
But It wouldn't put me off if he was actively looking for somewhere else to live at the very moment but if he keeps putting off a moving out date then that would be a deal breaker.

Tomatobear · 26/09/2021 17:58

Are you sure you're not the affair partner? I'm pretty sure this is the married man's script, sorry.

LastGirlSanding · 26/09/2021 18:52

If they’ve only been split up 6 months and he’s also been dating you in that time, when has he had a chance to actually deal with the breakup emotionally? Seems like no time at all since they are still living together and the relationship is still close enough his wife has asked for them to stay together. That they’ve both dated is kind of a side issue because they’ve clearly not sorted out their separation. If it was me, i’d step back for now and once he is properly single and has worked through the separation with his wife (which includes the emotional separation) then think about it.

Yummypumpkin · 26/09/2021 19:00

So she wants to get back together? So they're not happily separated. She wants him. He wants you.

Don't you see this is what he's now telling you??

How can that not complicate and change everything...even if what he's said before is true (and as a pp said it's classic mm fibs)

OzziePopPop · 26/09/2021 19:45

Great expression I read on here earlier ‘Is his baggage in the cupboard packed away neatly or is it in the hall and you’re tripping over it’? In your case it’s the latter. Regardless, he’s not in a position to move into any relationship right now.

Sure at his age/position there will be baggage (previous relationships, kids, life experience etc) but it should be ‘sorted’.

user1481840227 · 26/09/2021 22:50

There's no way of knowing how this will go.

They haven't even had a chance to process the end of the marriage yet because they're still living together.

It's very possible that his emotions for you were heightened because he was using the relationship with you as a buffer to deal with the end of his marriage. Men often jump into things straight away and seem so happy but the crash comes later on when they realise they've lost the family life etc.

He hasn't even really begun to feel that separation from his family in the true sense because he's still living at home.
The two of them could go through turmoil when he does move out and have moments of regret etc. that's natural and happens regularly.

With you in the mix it might be harder for him to process those natural feelings of loss in case it makes you paranoid or upsets you etc.

You say he's been totally honest but you do not know that that is the case. Many people have felt the same as you and it turned out they had been lied to.

Even if everything he has said is true then perhaps leaving at this time will cause harm to a successful co-parenting relationship in future. He stayed up until now. She's now grieving and perhaps is not ready to deal with the onslaught of emotions that is likely to occur if he moves out now especially if she's saying she wants to get back together.
I assume they still get on if they could stay living in the same house, will he still be able to show her some kindness during the adjustment period? obviously without leading her on? Will you be ok with that?

You say the wife was seeing someone else too, but sometimes men can lose the plot once they realise it's serious or if the new man is around the kids etc.

There is a lot to navigate and a grieving process that they both will have to go through which might not be pretty for either of them...so they are only part way into the separation.

I personally couldn't deal with it!

altmember · 26/09/2021 23:27

You say they stayed living together to make sure the separation was final before moving apart. Now they've decided they definitely aren't reconciling, so he can move out now. He's got somewhere to go (his parent's), so no reason at all to prolong it.

Also bear in mind that, until now, while he's been seeing you, reconciliation with his wife has still been an option. What if you weren't in the picture, would he have taken back his wife at this point? Talk about branch swinging! How can you be anything more than a rebound thing to him?

aboutbloodytime123 · 27/09/2021 06:38

I don't necessarily think the fact he's still married is a red flag - both DP and I were still married to our exes on paper when we met - but the fact that they still live together is tricky. I don't think either of us would have been able to handle that from the other.

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