Would you wait for love?

[httdwefb]

Long story short but I've fallen in love with a guy who is still living with his wife! Now before you all judge they are separated and have been for a bout 6 months. They've both been seeing other people but stayed living in the same house (separate beds) for the sake of the kids and until they decided this was definitely what they wanted before selling the family home.

I've been seeing this guy for a few months now and we have both fallen in love. He's always been totally honest about his home life, his wife is aware of me and I have no reason to doubt anything he has told me.

We speak several times a day and are both honest with our feelings for one another.
As our relationship has progressed I've explained I was becoming uncomfortable with him still living there and we spoke about how we can get out of this situation and realistically the only option is for him to move to his parents temporarily. We've both agreed that this is the best way to proceed.

However the last few days his wife has suffered a bereavement, close family, and asked him to make another go of it with him and he said no he's with someone else and happy. We've spoken about this and I've said it changes the situation slightly and I'd like him to speed up leaving the home which he agrees has got to happen but given the circumstances it's difficult

Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed a happy ending? I'm really happy with this guy, we have similar values and want similar things in life. we've spoken about our future and I think we're a really good match.

I just don't know how long I'm expected to wait? Or if I even should??

I think some people are being a little bit insensitive here. Nobody knows the truth about your relationship, or his with his wife for that matter. Perhaps give him some space for a while and let him figure things out on his own without muddying the waters. Once he’s properly left his relationship it will be a much better foundation for you to build a new one on. I know this wouldn’t be easy for you but it sounds like you deserve better. He’s not just choosing between his wife and you, with children, housing etc involved there is so much more to it.

No way is most of what he's told you true. No way. Sorry but don't invest more time!

Eek too messy.. She is still in love with him or he is with her, maybe he is using you to hurt her? Maybe they still sleep together, he is already giving excuses why he cant leave. He could be at his parents tomorrow if he really wanted. There is way too much between them right now.. back off until he is over all this cos he is still living that life.. dont be a pawn

Thanks for all your messages and concerns. I had the same concerns to begin with, I was apprehensive so I’ve actually spoken to her and verified what was been said was true.
I’m not a fool, I’ve had the same concerns - rebound, escape option etc we’ve spoken about this at length and I don’t think I am either of those.

Anyway I’ve said I can’t deal with the situation and he’s moved out of the family home

Based on your update your question may not still apply, Op, but I still think you should be on your guard for a while.

You said on your Op They stayed living in the same house (separate beds) for the sake of the kids and until they decided this was definitely what they wanted before selling the family home meaning that they still thought their relationship had a chance. They jointly took that decision only 6 months ago.

So this is very early days in their separation and it may not all be resolved yet. He may genuinely have fallen for you, but that doesn't mean his feelings for his wife have disappeared.

It's all happened very quickly. Just be aware that it could all change back yet.

All the best.

Anyway I’ve said I can’t deal with the situation and he’s moved out of the family home

Just like that? Magic.

This isn't baggage.

He's coparenting with his wife, who wants back with him.

You should wait an time at all, you should tell him to come back to you when he's moved out.

Also, how do you know for sure she's aware of you ... unless you've had communication with her confirming that, you don't.

*cohabiting

As I mentioned I’ve spoken to her several times about the situation.

100% I’ll be on my guard. It’s not going to be straight forward I am fully aware of that.

Well if he's moved out and stays moved out, your problem is apparently solved.

It is early days however, and his wife s apparently open to getting back together with him so Id not invest much for a while.

I would give him a clear time deadline.

Say he has to move out within the next 3-6 months.

If it doesn't happen and he chooses his wife instead, I'd leave this relation.

So I've read the end of this post.

He has moved out.

So he cares about you and doesn't want to lose you. It's a good and positive sign for your happy future together.

Good luck x

I'd also want to make sure his possible ex-to-be wife knows about me and he is not trying to sit on 2 charts at the same time pretending.

How can he prove to you she knows about you? Just saying it to you it doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

So you spoke to his wife and she has confirmed she knows about you.

Does she regret she lost him as her husband if she wanted him back?

This case showed his wife the grass wasn't greener.

He's still shagging his wife.

@httdwefb

I'm late 30's and I have a child myself and have a great relationship with his father so I have no concerns about that.

Realistically at my age I expect most men will have baggage of some description?

Yes, it there’s neatly-packed and well-managed baggage, and there’s a mad exploding crime-scene type mess that won’t even fit into a hundred suitcases. That’s where your boyfriend is. Tell him you’ll consider a relationship once he’s packed his baggage and is in a place where he’s able to have one, and the step away.

Even if he's genuine which I doubt do you really want to become involved in all of the divorce, custody, where am I going to live drama?
When you could have a new carefree life with somebody who is free to love you.

there’s neatly-packed and well-managed baggage, and there’s a mad exploding crime-scene type mess that won’t even fit into a hundred suitcases. That’s where your boyfriend is

This is absolutely it.

He’s not in any way begun to process all of the many, many things to process. He’s not even lived on his own (staying temporarily with his parents doesn’t count) and gotten used to his new life.

You just don’t need to be dragged through this mess. It will likely destroy you. And that’s even without his wife wanting to stay together.

I made all the mistakes you want to avoid. I started a relationship with a separated man still living with his wife and kids. It later emerged that she was still basically cooking, cleaning and washing for him. They’d moved in to separate bedrooms (and were both seeing other people) but otherwise it was effectively a sexless open marriage. They hadn’t properly explained anything to their kids either. But I was silly and fell in love and didn’t heed the red flags.

After several months his ex finally moved out of the house with the kids. But he stayed in it while it sold and their divorce finalised. Once it did, he moved in with me. We bought a house together and got married.

But, he didn’t take the time to process anything he should have done. And I’ve been collateral damage as he still struggles to come to terms with his ‘broken’ first family, being a nonresident father and a whole load of stuff that just isn’t my baggage to carry.

We are now separated because I deserve better than that. He insists that he has finally processed his baggage (he hasn’t) and that I just wouldn’t wait for it. But I should never have been expected to wait for any of this stuff. I neatly packed up all my baggage and sorted my life out before I even considered trying to meet someone. He should have done the same.

You don’t need to live through someone else’s separation and divorce. You deserve much better than that. Yes, people will have had lives before meeting you - but many of them will have their baggage well under control.