Communication

[HummingBeeBox]

Please help all you decent communicators out there. Me and dp just seem to tie each other in knots over the simplest things. Example:

Dp: who's taking the dog?
Me : I don't know.
Dp : well if you don't know I'll take him.
Me : ok, but why ask me who? Am I supposed to know when we haven't talked about it?
Dp ; that was me instigating a conversation about it.
Me : by asking me who was walking him? That just seems like you want me to have an answer which I don't as we don't know each other's movements.

Etc etc. Conversations can be ridiculously painful sometimes.

If your dp came in and said 'who's (insert chore of choice) how would it play out?

I don't think I'm great at communication to be honest and nor is he and it creates really bad feeling. Should I just ignore the exact words or tone (he fully accepts that he is huffy and grumpy but I am not supposed to ask if he is ok as it's just his personality / breathing - yes really, a huff is him breathing) and crack on with what I think he meant, risking further confusion?

So strung out by it all

Am I too up tight? Is he?

I do feel he does it on purpose to create something to huff about

Are you resentful over anything ?

Yes. He doesn't help round the house ever. Or get up to help with school run. Dd is 10 now so not such an issue but still annoys me that he is in bed. Having to cook and wash up every day. He works hard. Really hard, but so do I along with all house stuff.

He resents me too as I work from home and I think he thinks I just do what I like but I slog all day either side of the school runs

I don't think we understand each other and assume the worst of each other

just say "you" every time he asks you who.

He believes all the mental load belongs to you and he is "helping" you out when he does things.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe brilliant! Then if he asks why I said him, I'll just say well the way he phrased it implied it was up to me.

@RandomMess yes. I said today after asking him and dd to help with the clearing up from last nights dinner that I won't be cooking nice meals any more it I get no help. He said he didn't get any help last time he washed up. Missed the point entirely

I think you over complicated the conversation and causes the issue about the dig walking.

Dp: who's taking the dog?
Me : I don't know.
Dp : well if you don't know I'll take him.
Me : ok

That's how I think it should have panned out, you seemed to make the issue.

As for 'who's (insert chore of choice)' I'd respond honestly. If you want him to do it, say so.

DH 'Who's doing the washing up'
You 'if you could do it that would be great thanks'
Or 'I'll do it if you can take the bins out'

Starting asking him

Who's making dinner
Who's checking the bills have been paid
Who's doing the laundry

And so on..

@bigbaggyeyes thanks got the honest response. I think as I am always happy to take the dog I honestly don't mind so I suppose feel it would be easier if he wants to take him to just say, I'm taking the dog unless you really want to.

Good idea re the chores. He does seem to moan a lot when I ask anything of him and I do feel resentful that I have to remind him and dd that sitting on your phone with Netflix on while another person is doing the housework around you isn't very nice.

@HummingBeeBox

I don't think we understand each other and assume the worst of each other

This is more of a problem than annoying little conversations. Why would you assume the worst of each other? That's not love. That's a lack of trust.

Do you claim to love each other?

@RandomMess funny seeing it that way round as I never would. If I wondered I would ask directly - would you mind cooking tonight as I... or can you please help with the dishes...

I wouldn't ever suggest it was his decision.

I think I am possibly being quite pedantic and taking too much notice of his tone.

His response 'if you don't know I will' had an eye roll, huff and emphasis on the word you. That's why I find it hard to just say OK as his tone implies I have done wrong.

I'm defensive

@TheFoundations I think we have an issue with feeling like the other one isn't pulling their weight. He thinks I just sit at home drinking tea (I don't) and I get annoyed with his long hours and lack of help (but he works so hard so I know I am really being a bit mean on this)

I know we need to be able to understand each other better, I completely agree. That's the point of the thread. I need tips

Have you sat down with him for a proper conversation about this?

@TheFoundations he doesn't like talking about stuff and won't often put down his phone. He struggles with the intensity of conversations like this.

I mean we do talk about it but I need to sidle things into normal conversation rather than 'we need to talk' as he switches off of gets defensive.

He feels I'm critical and I feel he's critical all the time. I don't think I am but who knows

The point is you should have equal leisure time.

You need to TELL him that you work for your employers 9-5 (or whatever hours it is) that you then do xyz most days and do the bulk of the chores at the weekend.

Ask him what leisure time he has and compare it to your leisure time - is it equal?

You caused the issue here. After he said "I'll take him" you could've just said "ok, cool" but you tried to start a completely unnecessary argument instead.

If you didn't want to take the dog, you could have said "you take him, I don't fancy it."
If you did want to take the dog you could have said "I'll take him. I fancy the fresh air."

It's really basic.

I just think he wants to be a big macho bloke who labours all day and comes home to a wifey who makes the dinner and asks nothing of him. He's not macho, he's soft as shit and very emotional, but I think his family are so traditional he thinks he's hard done by and so do I ask I don't want a partner who wants me to be a little housewife

@RandomMess that's a great idea thank you. I think he thinks I have more as I work from home but I don't. Great way to frame it.

@girlmom21 I find that hard as I just don't mind who takes the dog. I didn't feel much about it either way. We don't have a schedule for dog walking and it's very evenly split most of the time.

I accept that I should have just said ok, a couple of you have said that now.

@girlmom21 I just felt like he wasn't just asking that. I felt like he was asking me because he doesn't want any mental load ever. Deeper issues clearly

@girlmom21 I'm glad you feel it's that basic as I want to get to that point. Our communication is so far from basic, always an undercurrent or unsatisfied expectation. It's torturous. Or assumption based on something or nothing.

How do I reset?

It sounds hideous tbh no love, no respect