My marriage is falling apart

[shedreamer]

Hi, I guess I just wanted to talk about what I'm going through and any advice would be helpful.

My marriage to DH has been very rocky for the last 3 years. We have both been through some traumas (I am a mental health professional had a dreadful time at work last year, bullying, my service closed and I was made redundant) DH was not supportive, in fact was very passive aggressive and blaming of me, criticising me for how much I put into my work, despite me doing all possible to change my situation by involving my union, raising a grievance and applying for other jobs), I felt really attacked by him - he isn't physically violent, but I feel that he has controlled me emotionally - I was referred to IDAS at the time who were helpful. At the time, and so many times before this, we just carried on together - a mixture of financial reasons and to try and keep together for our daughter who is 12.

Aside from this, he told me 2 years ago he isn't in love with me anymore, he sent a letter to my family last year criticising me for my commitment to work - he then told me he would send this letter to all my colleagues, he lied about taking numbers off my phone to do this and I called the police, hens referral to IDAS.
He then told me all my family agreed with him about me, which they deny - he repeated this again earlier this year and used it against me in an argument.
Does this sound controlling to any of you? - I know it's not classical example but I feel like I'm going mad sometimes not making sense of how he behaved.

I feel like a fool for staying.

There is so much resentment between us and such a difficult dynamic, no physical intimacy for 5 years (sex), although we have tried, I feel like I've been repetitively kicked by him emotionally. I know he is a good person and this has become such a mess. I feel so unhappy so much of the time, we can't seem to communicate without getting into rows and miscommunications. I honestly feel that we have come to the end and feel pathetic as I struggle to let go, still hanging onto the image of what I wanted married life to be like, loving, sharing growing together.

Most of my friends seem to have successful marriages so I feel like a failure for not being able to make mine work.
He says I've not supported him. I disagree: He has had issues with gambling, drinking and depression, I feel I have been there with him through that but got little back except criticism and indifference.

We are in therapy together and this is really painful - I want to leave the marriage now but don't feel strong enough to see it through.

Any words of wisdom would be welcome - sorry for the long rant!

Leave and get on with the next chapter of your life.

Aside from this, he told me 2 years ago he isn't in love with me anymore, he sent a letter to my family last year criticising me for my commitment to work - he then told me he would send this letter to all my colleagues, he lied about taking numbers off my phone to do this and I called the police, hens referral to IDAS.

He sounds mentally unwell OP. Seriously. This alone...apart from everything else, is enough to say "That's it...it's over". Why in God's name are you still with him!?

Sending letters to your family complaining about you would have been rude in 1821, but in 2021 it’s so unorthodox and weird that I would be hugely unsettled by it.

Sometimes we cling on until the bitter end, reluctant to give up. That's just prolonging the agony. He's already said he doesn't love you any more. Just let go, OP. You know it makes sense.

I know he is a good person and this has become such a mess.

No, he is not a good person, a good person would not behave the way he has done towards you.

Thanks. I guess I've stayed because it isn't black and white, he has apologised before and I have honestly wanted things to get better. He has said since, he does love me but not "in love" anymore - I never expected that first flush of romance to last an entire 13 years. I think his expectations were different to mine, I see the deeper commitment that comes after to be what being "in love" is, not the easy flighty romance phase.
I think I need to take some responsibility and control back in my life - I see others do this so however painful, it must be possible to do.

He is a nasty,cruel scumbag and the furthest from a good person short of being a criminal

OP you say you work in mental health, so if a service user gave you this account what advice would you give?

Yes he is emotionally abusing you. He is gaslighting you and you're starting to feel like you're losing your mind.

Writing letters etc to others about you or threatening to is to and make you feel that you're losing a grip on reality. People like him start or threaten smear campaigns to add to the weight of their bullshit argument.
I'd let go of this "relationship". You're reflecting on what it could have been i.e the potential, not what it actually is. He has serious mental health issues that he's deflecting onto you. You didn't cause his mental health issues, you can't cure them and you can't control them.

Please think about walking away before you lose your sanity, perhaps get some counselling to get your thoughts together. Your child is watching and you don't want her to model her future relationships on what you are experiencing.

It bloody IS black and white OP! He's weird! What do your family say about him?

They are quite balanced really. They care about him too as been in their lives for 13 years. They have understood his perspective but have also felt he has been controlling of me too. It's an aspect of him I just can't tolerate anymore. I'm not perfect either but It would not cross my mind to behave as he has. Although I have been quite tempted to tell his family a few home truths about him recently, I know that is something I would never do.

He's a depressed drinker and gambler who breaks data protection in order to plan out some quite bizarre behaviour. I do wonder if working in MH can result in not noticing, or taking too much of a relative view compared to what you must come across at work. Compare him to the norm, and he is very odd, beyond what should be tolerated odd. I'm not seeing ' nice person' in any of his behaviour, for some reason, you have a low bar. Don't your family now think he's weird? He's basically complained to them with what intent? It's got nothing to do with your family, why he can't see that is obvious, God knows

LadyLolaRuben - I know you are right. I know exactly what I'd say (and do say) to patients going through similar issues - I honestly have gotten to a point where my self-esteem is so low, I question myself constantly when it's about my own relationship. I do feel gaslighted by him - I'm not sure he does this consciously - I then get angry or defensive and he tells me I'm irrational - it's classic and yes, I don't want my daughter to think you stay in an unhappy relationship - he is a good father to her though and I worry about the upheaval of going forward with separation. We agreed therapy as the last chance to work things out but going through it has made me feel more and more that I want it to be over now. I know it just needs going through but I feel really scared at the same time.

Opentoooffers - His supposed intent was to reach out to my family for support. To them he is skilled at coming across as the rational desperate father/husband who is struggling with his "too committed to work wife" - but he presents very differently to me - spiteful, dismissive, ridiculing etc - they don't see that.

He doesn't drink or gamble currently by the way. they were both really misjudged coping strategies for feeling depressed - he is also in his own therapy now.

I would advise in the strongest possible terms not to have joint therapy with him. Do not trust anything he says.

I would also advise you get back in touch with IDAS or Women's Aid. They won't force you to do anything you're not ready to but they will support you and help you see things more clearly.

His supposed intent was to reach out to my family for support. To them he is skilled at coming across as the rational desperate father/husband who is struggling with his "too committed to work wife" - but he presents very differently to me - spiteful, dismissive, ridiculing etc - they don't see that.

They are great liars and actors. Until you know what you are looking for or experiencing it is so easy to be fooled by them.

He doesn't sound much like a "good person" to me. He sounds emotionally abusive and very manipulative. Don't stay for your daughter; show her that women don't need to put up with this kind of shit and get out.

You are the frog in boiling water.

He is abusive and controlling and is doing his very best to cut you off from all your family and friends.

Honestly you need to leave with your DD, via a refuge if need be.

"He doesn't sound much like a "good person" to me. He sounds emotionally abusive and very manipulative. Don't stay for your daughter; show her that women don't need to put up with this kind of shit and get out."

This. Oh and the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bollocks. I wince when any adult several years into an LTR comes up with that daftness. They seem to be assuming that if they'd settled down with someone else that they would still be feeling desperately romantic about that person rather than properly understanding how love evolves over the years in a committed LTR.

In any case, you shouldn't be having to contend with a threatened smear campaign by someone who's supposed to have your back.

Don't compare your relationship with those of your friends. You don't necessarily know what's going on in those relationships but in any case it's not a failure to realise that the relationship you embarked on no longer meets your needs and has actually become damaging to you. A few of my friends are divorced or in the process of divorcing. I don't for a moment think they've failed in any way. I think it's sad that their relationship no longer provides them with what they want but I also think it's brilliant that they have chosen to move on rather than remain trapped in something that's become very wrong for them.

It really sounds like it's time to move on.

I think that by the time things are so bad that you have to call the Police on your spouse, the marriage is done, and it's simply a question of whether you choose to get the divorce or continue to live in misery.

Are separating your finances a big factor in holding you back OP?

Thanks everyone for the advice - much of which I already think but it's very helpful to know others think this too and see this reflected. I would never think anyone else a failure for marriage/relationships not working out, I just find this hard to apply to myself sometimes as feeling quite vulnerable at the moment. I will get through it and for my daughter too. I also know many people who have come through divorce/break-ups and stronger for it so this gives me hope for myself.

I'm not comfortable writing about how he has behaved as feel I'm making him out to be some kind of monster but there are very real concerns about how he deals with things in the relationship that I can't ignore anymore or try and make excuses for.
I just will not be treated like this again - I know in my heart that the trust has been broken for me and too much damage has been done. I don't believe he understands this at all despite apologising - if he had, he would not have done much the same thing this year.
I also hold regret for things I've said when angry and ways I've behaved in the past but feel he has recurrently punished me over the years emotionally.
Enough now.

yes, finances are an issue - we have looked at this in the past and recently - both have good jobs but cannot afford to live separately and we have looked at all options with that - our daughter is at a fee-paying school (not posh, it's alternative), she was struggling at state school and is now happy at present school so neither of us feel she should have to leave because we break-up. Where we live is an expensive place to buy - I have thoughts of relocating nearer to family (where its cheaper to live) and just starting again but then would be taking her away from him which she would hate and think he would fight me on that and it would get nasty. She has just found a lovely group of friends and settled. I really don't know what the answer is at the moment apart from living together separated for the next 2 years until she leaves the scholl (only goes up to age 14).

He absolutely is abusive and controlling. That means you should not be having joint counselling - is that not something you're conscious of if you work in the mental health space? Abusive partners should never have joint therapy with the partner they abuse. Ever.

I don't want my daughter to think you stay in an unhappy relationship - he is a good father to her though and I worry about the upheaval of going forward with separation.

Good fathers don't write batshit letters to family / friends / work / whoever else about how poor a job their child's mother is doing as a parent and / or wife. It's insanely controlling, toxic, cruel and demeaning.

Your daughter is being taught that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like, that this is what male / female dynamics look like.

Nobody is putting her first for as long as you stay in a relationship together.

Please leave for her if not for you.

There's no need to apportion blame or anything if you haven't had sex for five years and you're no longer in love there's no point in staying together is there ? You've obviously grown apart as so many couples do . It's no use thinking of that as a failure of casting judgement- its part of life it just happens . The key thing is to move on carefully with damage limitation to your daughter and so you both have chance to make a new life either on your own or with a new partner . You may find that your daughters school has grants of some sort for a single parent? Make sure your money is separated and if ai were you I would get some legal advice- alit if family solicitors give a first 30 minutes free consultation. Hope all gets sorted for you as soon as possible x

It's been said upthread, but if you had to call the police about him then it's all over. I'd get out and start over rebuilding your life.