Page 2 | My marriage is falling apart

Onthedunes · 26/09/2021 14:03

The real mark of a person is how they support you when you are going through adversity.

You know this man has not got 'your back', in fact he has actively worked against you when you most needed his help. Narcisists are very much like this as they detest any form of weakness, so his cruel actions sound familiar.

You must feel very unsafe with him, he has really gone to town with the smear campaign whist you are still together and must fear of what would come if you separated, his actions are unforgivable.

What your family must think, he really must think he can manipulate them without question, he obviously needs to be portrayed as the victim.
His reasoning skills are non existant and if I were you I would not engage again, grey rock him and start making plans to be appart.

This man is not your friend he is definitely your enemy.
What he has done is disgusting, you won't win with a man like this and I believe he is capable of anything.

Run.

middleeasternpromise · 26/09/2021 15:30

What have you both learned from the therapy?

It sounds as thought you both are in similar places about the relationship being at a hiaitus but perhaps both don't want it to end which is commonplace in relationship difficulties. Could it be that you focus on trying to agree who or what causes the problem and that becomes a distraction from what to actually do about the space you are in. Working in a field where you support others can also be stressful, it pulls alot on your personal resources and can be difficult if you are in trying to work out similar issues at home.

I wonder if you could focus on the areas where you are in agreement - it sounds like arrangements for your DD is a place you are more together. Perhaps thinking about how to meet those commitments might help you sort out a plan on how to move forward.

HollowTalk · 26/09/2021 15:37

I know he is a good person

Oh come on. In what way is he a good person? Everything you've told us shows he's an abusive, controlling man.

And he's not a good father, either. A good father is kind to the child's mother. He's as far from a good father as you can get.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 26/09/2021 16:00

OMG let’s be clear that he is not a good person! What an awful awful man, I’m so sorry. Maybe the Honeymoon phase is over but this is NOT what being a relationship is supposed to be like.

Original poster

shedreamer · 30/09/2021 21:21

Thanks for all the comments - no I don't feel emotionally safe with him.

things have moved forward a bit. I made the decision last weekend that I want to end the marriage. We went to couple's therapy tonight and I said it within the session. I think it was a relief to him. We have decided to do this amicably for our daughter's sake.
Truth be told, he puts on such a performance of being the level headed super man that I can see the therapist was totally taken in by him....it makes my blood boil. It's pretty standard anyway, he acts like its fine with him the marriage is over, so I end up feeling like an idiot.

But at least its over and I can start to pick a way through this and move on in time.

OP posts:

layladomino · 01/10/2021 11:58

Well done @shedreamer you won't regret that decision.

You said he's a 'good man' when he clearly is anything but. In any case, you haven't had a sex life for years and he told you he doesn't love you anymore. Even if he was a great man that means your marriage is over.

You will be much happier, and your DD will see how you should behave when someone treats you badly. You walk away.

Original poster

shedreamer · 01/10/2021 13:06

True. When I say he’s a good person, I mean he is generally reasonable and kind. Ive outlined all the horrid ways he has behaved over the last couple of years which are not acceptable to me and Ive said that clearly to him. Before this time he was nothing except a devoted husband and father. Thats part of what makes it feel so devastating. But I do believe he harbours regrets and wants to find a way we can be separate without causing pain to our daughter. I certainly don’t want this kind of relationship in my future and although I’m feeling in a lot of pain right now, I know it wont last forever. I’m also in personal therapy too which is part of whats given me strength to end the marriage. Im going to use that space to rebuild my shattered self-esteem now.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 01/10/2021 16:43

@R0tational

Leave and get on with the next chapter of your life.

He is a horror.

Leave.

billy1966 · 01/10/2021 16:44

Well done for making the decision.

Let him be fine with it.

Just get away from him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2021 17:00

You indeed need to get away from this man. You cannot keep doing your own bit here in teaching your child such damaging lessons about relationships.

Whose idea was it to embark on joint therapy?. Were you never aware that such is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship?. Unsurprisingly too the joint therapist got taken in by him too; he was never going to let you have a say, let alone an equal say.

Certainly keep up with your individual therapy; you need a safe outlet.

He is not your friend here and never was. What he says and what he does are two very different things. He likely won't make the process of you actually separating from him all that easy or straightforward because he is abusive and wants to maintain control. He won't likely remain amicable towards you in a divorce settlement.

Contacting Womens Aid here is a course of action I would also advise you do as would be talking to the Rights of Women organisation. I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme too which is online.

LadyLolaRuben · 05/10/2021 20:16

@shedreamer

Thanks for all the comments - no I don't feel emotionally safe with him.

things have moved forward a bit. I made the decision last weekend that I want to end the marriage. We went to couple's therapy tonight and I said it within the session. I think it was a relief to him. We have decided to do this amicably for our daughter's sake.
Truth be told, he puts on such a performance of being the level headed super man that I can see the therapist was totally taken in by him....it makes my blood boil. It's pretty standard anyway, he acts like its fine with him the marriage is over, so I end up feeling like an idiot.

But at least its over and I can start to pick a way through this and move on in time.

Well done OP for being brave and nudging this issue in the right direction. You made a huge step in the therapy session. Im not surprised your blood was boiling but they do say dont go to therapy with a gaslighter. You know the truth! Hold your nerve and navigate this with you and your daughters needs coming first. Best of luck x

TimeToDateAgain · 05/10/2021 20:32

I'm always so sad when I read about the the damage that coercive control inflicts on someone's perception of themselves.

Well done for making a good decision and bringing it up for discussion within a safe environment.

Original poster

shedreamer · 15/10/2021 09:59

Thank you for your encouragement. It's been 2 weeks since I formally said I want to separate.
I have spoken to a family law solicitor for advice and have now started divorce proceedings on grounds of unreasonable behaviour on his part - described in my original post.
He said he will not contest this and wants the marriage over as well as me.

I'm also looking at options to re-mortgage my house to release equity so he can live separately as for the foreseeable, we have to share the same house.

So with all these steps I've taken, why do I still pine for him and wish he would have tried to save our marriage??? I'm going through emotional hell, not sleeping, feeling so sad and scared about the future, have not been able to work and have been signed off for another 2 weeks by GP who was lovely.

I feel so pathetic for being this sad and desolate. Even though the marriage was so bad the last few years, I still feel this awful emptiness and loss like I've lost the most important person in my life (second to my daughter of course), I've also lost the misguided image of how I wanted things to be better in the future (I know logically that this would never have happened), but it seems to be really hard to let go.
Has anyone else experienced this? and how do I get through it?
I'm trying to do things for myself life swimming, classes for distraction and new focus, but afterwards, I'm left with the same emptiness and it hurts.

OP posts:

RoseLinda55 · 11/12/2021 06:41

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Misty84 · 11/12/2021 06:47

This is awful and staying with him for your daughter is not a good reason. She is being exposed to how unhappy you are. It’s not right op, try and have the strength to leave and start a fresh new chapter. 🌺 My parents split when I was young and I survived fine, it is much better to be away from that toxic dynamic.

Misty84 · 11/12/2021 06:51

Sorry op I didn’t realise this thread was a few months old and I’ve just read your update. How are you feeling now? X

Mercedes519 · 11/12/2021 06:53

It’s entirely natural to regret what you thought you had and what you wanted to have. Recognise that feeling - it’s valid. You are grieving for that life..

But recognise at the same time that you don’t have it and CANNOT have it. That takes time to accept so be kind to yourself.

Chazzz122221 · 03/04/2022 16:49

Hello can I ask you some questions please if you don't mind please

SunflowerTed · 04/04/2022 00:27

@shedreamer

Hi, I guess I just wanted to talk about what I'm going through and any advice would be helpful.

My marriage to DH has been very rocky for the last 3 years. We have both been through some traumas (I am a mental health professional had a dreadful time at work last year, bullying, my service closed and I was made redundant) DH was not supportive, in fact was very passive aggressive and blaming of me, criticising me for how much I put into my work, despite me doing all possible to change my situation by involving my union, raising a grievance and applying for other jobs), I felt really attacked by him - he isn't physically violent, but I feel that he has controlled me emotionally - I was referred to IDAS at the time who were helpful. At the time, and so many times before this, we just carried on together - a mixture of financial reasons and to try and keep together for our daughter who is 12.

Aside from this, he told me 2 years ago he isn't in love with me anymore, he sent a letter to my family last year criticising me for my commitment to work - he then told me he would send this letter to all my colleagues, he lied about taking numbers off my phone to do this and I called the police, hens referral to IDAS.
He then told me all my family agreed with him about me, which they deny - he repeated this again earlier this year and used it against me in an argument.
Does this sound controlling to any of you? - I know it's not classical example but I feel like I'm going mad sometimes not making sense of how he behaved.

I feel like a fool for staying.

There is so much resentment between us and such a difficult dynamic, no physical intimacy for 5 years (sex), although we have tried, I feel like I've been repetitively kicked by him emotionally. I know he is a good person and this has become such a mess. I feel so unhappy so much of the time, we can't seem to communicate without getting into rows and miscommunications. I honestly feel that we have come to the end and feel pathetic as I struggle to let go, still hanging onto the image of what I wanted married life to be like, loving, sharing growing together.

Most of my friends seem to have successful marriages so I feel like a failure for not being able to make mine work.
He says I've not supported him. I disagree: He has had issues with gambling, drinking and depression, I feel I have been there with him through that but got little back except criticism and indifference.

We are in therapy together and this is really painful - I want to leave the marriage now but don't feel strong enough to see it through.

Any words of wisdom would be welcome - sorry for the long rant!

Bin him tomorrow