Not sure if he is ready for a relationship?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi there,

I've been single for a while now and looking for a LTR. Last night I had a lovely chat with a guy I met online. We both have children and a fair amount in common. He was married for 17 years and been separated for two years. His decree nisi is about to come through? No idea what any of that means as I've never been divorced.

We had a great chat. But he did seem to be quite lonely as he currently only sees his children once every two weeks. He is pushing for more access. I get the feeling that despite trying to be positive he feels a bit down on life at the moment and negative. Which I put down to his current situation. He openly admits he misses companionship and is a relationship person. He comes across as a real family man, and really nice.

But I'm unsure if maybe he isn't ready for what I'm looking for. I've been on my own for 7 years and comfortable with my own company. I have a child I have full time so I guess I'm never really on my own.

I fully understand how awful going through a divorce must be. I'm just wandering if there ever is a good time for someone to date after going through something so traumatic..? Apart from the things I've mentioned I really enjoyed the chat and got a good feeling about him, I felt I could be myself.

It means he's nearly divorced - the decree absolute is the final part and takes at least 6 weeks after the nisi.

Divorce isn't necessarily traumatic, depends on the situation. Does he say it was traumatic or is that your assumption?

In the situation you describe I'd certainly keep seeing a guy i liked and got on with. I don't like bitter rants about the ex, that would always put me off.

People will have a varying amount of baggage, that's inevitable. The question is, is his baggage neatly stacked in a cupboard where he can get at it but it's not in the way, or is it in the hall and you're going to be tripping over it all the time? Is he relying on you to deal with the baggage?

It's hard to say as people recover at different rates, he does sound sad about it all still but that might be more about the kids.

As you got on well, i would say 'meet him' but try and get a better feel in person of whether he is ready to start again. Definitely don't allow yourself to become a pen pal though, and an online source of support that never goes anywhere, I'd suggest meeting soon.

Is the access every 2 weeks decided now, or will there be ongoing court proceedings etc? That might influence my feelings personally, if it's all still rumbling on.

Meet him, but keep your expectations low and feelings in check. View it very much as seeing in person of this might be viable, and prepare to duck out graciously if you get the feeling he isn't ready after a couple of dates. Don't take it personally if that's the case. People often think they're ready to move on prematurely.

I think he has been through the worst of the emotions and said he feels ready to meet someone now. No one cheated or anything, I think the main reason is they grew apart.

Just having spoken to him he isn't close to his family, his dad left when he was only 9. I'm not sure if this could be an issue. Ive made dating errors in my past and know I need to be with someone who is secure within themselves, so I'm on alert for red flags 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hmmm. Yes that is a LOT of baggage.

Caution definitely applies but I would meet for a coffee.

He is still in the middle of court preceding for access to his children. And his relationship with his ex isn't good. They only communicate via text 😬

He admitted it'll take time to get to a good place with his ex. But I don't want to be caught in the cross fire. I did at times feel like his therapist, reassuring him that things would be fine.

I have my own baggage, but not sure if this is a level i would be comfortable with.

He is lonely, down on life and negative.

Maybe address first why you're considering a relationship with him?

God it got worse with our cross post.

Walk away, op. Seriously why would you want to het involved with this man?

You've had one chat with the guy and ended up feeling like his therapist?!

No, he's not ready.

@category12

You've had one chat with the guy and ended up feeling like his therapist?!

No, he's not ready.

This. Id also be asking myself why he hardly ever sees his kids. That’s not the sign of a great involved dad who just grew apart from his wife.

@category12

You've had one chat with the guy and ended up feeling like his therapist?!

No, he's not ready.

Exactly this! You don’t want to start dating someone who seems to present like a client seeing a therapist!

You’ve spoken to him once. You know absolutely nothing about him, it’s crazy asking strangers who know even less. Stop thinking so far ahead. If you’re vaguely interested then meet him and see how you get on. If you’re not, don’t. Life is far too short to waste headspace wondering about the divorce of someone that you’ve never even met.

I'd be concerned about his oversharing although in this case it does mean he is waving red flags.

Being a relationship person is code for needing someone to do all the wife work.

Why is he lonely? What hobbies does he have? Friends?

He's looking for someone to be his whole life and that's a lot of pressure.

Initial chatting for dating should be fun and upbeat, no one should be mentioning problems and playing the 'woe is me' card.

Run away fast. And that's without me touching on the baggage of an ex who he doesn't get on with.

@category12

You've had one chat with the guy and ended up feeling like his therapist?!

No, he's not ready.

This 👆

As category12 wrote. "You've had one chat with the guy and ended up feeling like his therapist?!"

No no and no again. Give your head a wobble here.

This man is is no way ready to embark on another relationship, not even close. Do not contact him further; there are a lot of red flags here re him. He's not fully divorced, has problems with his ex wife and is on dating websites already. Your relationship bar needs to be re-examined and raised.

Thanks everyone, you've confirmed my doubts 👍

Btw he is fighting to have more access with his kids and going through the courts. His kids are his world, so from my point of view that a a good thing. However being so open about how is feels so early on is showing he isn't ready.

My only concern is that every guy I meet on online in their 40's has baggage. Especially those who are divorce. So with that thinking I should avoid everyone 😂

Or I was thinking that it might be easier to date in my late 50's when my daughter is much older. That way I can concentrate on her and not deal with other peoples problems. I'm happy to wait another 10 or so year being single.

Everyone's going to have baggage, but it's how they deal with it - I like what PermanentTemporary said The question is, is his baggage neatly stacked in a cupboard where he can get at it but it's not in the way, or is it in the hall and you're going to be tripping over it all the time?

This guy sounds like he's got it piled up in the hallway.

There'll be guys with it tidier.

his kids are his world

No doubt he told you this because you cant know that from one conversation.
People who have to state that their kids are their world generally don't think that but put it everywhere to sound like a good parent.

I love my kids, but they are not my eorld.
My world is made up of many components including myself, my kids, my family, my job,my hobbies,my pets but I don't put that all over dating sites or even speak it.

Of course once you get to 35+ you have baggage but some baggage is better than others.

No doubt his ex wife would tell you a different story about his baggage.

There's being fully emersed in baggage, then there is acknowledgement of having certain responsibilities in life, but moving on emotionally to the point where bringing it up and talking on about it with someone new, is of no interest anymore as you live in the now. Find the 2nd type, yes you have a past and present responsibilities by a certain age, but if there is a need for them to go on about it from there the start, better off avoiding them.

Yes you are all very right and the analogy used about having it in the hallway is very true 👍👍

Thanks everyone

Lol that 'kids are his world' just reminds me of that chris rock skit ('they're supposed to be! What do you want? A medal for loving your children?!').

The guy has red flags coming out of the Ying yang op. Avoid! Avoid!

You've not even met him yet and already he has given you every sob story since he was 9 years old! Narcissistic personality alert!

If I was dating again even at 60 I wouldn’t see anyone who is looking for you to be their whole life outside of work— it gets really wearing and they tend to want and expect the reverse too— even if they say they don’t

Well I can confidently confirm that everything you said and I thought is correct 😂

Today he messaged me and I was out at a local museum most of the day. When I messaged him back he replied back straight way and each time did. Where as you don't have the time to sit by my phone all day.

I asked him does he have any friends around him? Which I thought was a straight forward question. His response was 'that's a strange question. Yes I have friends' so I explained that I have friends in my area so logistically it's easy for me to go out. His response was so defensive that it told me everything I needed to know.

I need to trust my instincts 👍

We won't be talking anymore! 🤣