Not sure if he is ready for a relationship?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi there,

I've been single for a while now and looking for a LTR. Last night I had a lovely chat with a guy I met online. We both have children and a fair amount in common. He was married for 17 years and been separated for two years. His decree nisi is about to come through? No idea what any of that means as I've never been divorced.

We had a great chat. But he did seem to be quite lonely as he currently only sees his children once every two weeks. He is pushing for more access. I get the feeling that despite trying to be positive he feels a bit down on life at the moment and negative. Which I put down to his current situation. He openly admits he misses companionship and is a relationship person. He comes across as a real family man, and really nice.

But I'm unsure if maybe he isn't ready for what I'm looking for. I've been on my own for 7 years and comfortable with my own company. I have a child I have full time so I guess I'm never really on my own.

I fully understand how awful going through a divorce must be. I'm just wandering if there ever is a good time for someone to date after going through something so traumatic..? Apart from the things I've mentioned I really enjoyed the chat and got a good feeling about him, I felt I could be myself.

It’s good you’ve listened to your instincts! Just wanted to say though don’t let it put you off, see it as a valuable learning experience - you’ve spotted some red flags quickly and practiced your boundary setting. Yes it is true that very few people get to their 40s without baggage but it’s what peope have done with the baggage they have that counts. Hope you find someone awesome for you.

Don’t let it put you off trying to meet someone generally I mean! This guy definitely you are right to avoid!

I really think that in terms of trusting your instincts when dating, it really needs to be 'Yay yay yaaaay!!!' or 'Nope'. Any in between/not sure/lovely, but/I need to ask MN/perhaps he's only x-negative-trait because etc can all go in the 'nope' pile.

Everybody you meet except the last one won't be the right person. Same as with anything else, trust the process and don't be deterred or take 'nope's personally.

Just be aware in future that even the worst deadbeat dads nearly always say their kids are their life and they're fighting for access and this, that and the other and they're just lying.
I'm sure that some of them might tell the truth, but all the liars tell the same story too!

Thanks everyone. I can't help but feel disheartened about the dating process. I nearly deleted my app this evening. I know it's part of the process, I just didn't think it would be this hard.

But I'm definitely learning to trust my instincts. I've just not had to deal with the dating dads before, this is new territory. Also divorces too. I keep coming across men who are barely divorced and you can just tell they are in a world of pain. I just get annoyed that they put themselves on dating apps looking for a relationship when they clearly aren't ready. They are just lonely and depressed.

It's hard finding that person who has a good solid rely background, but dealt with their baggage. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Can you try and chalk up the positives? You had a conversation which at least on one level you enjoyed, you made a little bit of connection. He wasn't someone who's in a place to take things further, but he liked you and enjoyed your conversation too. That would be OK if you were in the pub, it's OK on an app too.

I'm saying this from the smug position of having found someone online that I think is going to work out, at least for some time! He's exactly that - someone who's divorced but the baggage is tidy and dealt with even though it still exists. The biggest problem we have is that we both have teens/young adults at home so sometimes we can't have sex until they've gone out... Just saying that there ARE guys out there who are worth it.

I know it's part of the process, I just didn't think it would be this hard

You're giving it too much weight. Be sure you can be happy on your own before looking for a partner, otherwise you'll feel you need your partner in order to be happy, and that's a recipe for disaster.

Meet your own needs. Currently you are feeling needy in a relationship with a man you've never even met. You are needy in the relationship you have with the hope of a man.

Come and join us on the dating thread- a bunch of women and done men navigating the world of OLD while supporting each other.
By god people need support if they are OLD as it can mess with your head wondering if you're the problem.