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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I could really use some relationship advice

40 replies

Singledad46 · 26/09/2021 02:30

My ex of 20 years and I broke up after I discovered her cheating... she was very career driven so our 6 year old daughter came with me.

I met another woman 4 months ago and we get on like a house on fire.. it’s only been a short time but I have fallen for her and she says she feels the same.
She split up with her husband of 15 years about 8 months ago.
They own a house together and she owns a flat five minutes away from there marital home and he moved into the flat. They have a teenage son and she has a 24 year old son from a previous marriage.
The thing is, he is in there marital home quite a lot. Always calling in for dinner... calling in to watch football... to make them dinner etc. He uses her car on a daily basis.. if she breaks down he basically runs to the rescue and gets it fixed etc... if she has problems with the gardener... or anyone for that matter she calls him round to sort it. Nearly everything that goes on in the house... he is involved in.
He was around making dinner one afternoon and he went upstairs and saw her lying naked... which she told me about.
She still wears a wedding ring which she says has sentimental value as her mother bought the stone... but I thought... well why not put it on another finger... Facebook status.. married.
She won’t tell him about us saying she doesn’t want a messy divorce. She is selling the flat in a couple of weeks and told me she would tell him once he was off the street.. but now she isn’t telling him
She has sent me a couple of msgs meant for him stating little things like “don’t worry about it xx” kisses at the end of msgs isn’t usually what ex’s do.... I’ve never seen it before.
She was with me tonight, and her husband sat in there house with the two kids... once it got quite late she started getting anxious saying he was going to hit the roof... he also started txting saying “where are you” but it’s not like he was needed to sit with there teenage son as her older child was there.
She has been away with me for the odd night, one minute it seems she is being really truthful with me, telling me about the naked incident and the next minute it feels like they are not ex’s at all.
I am still very fragile after I found my ex cheating and I am getting to the point I don’t know where to turn, this woman is really special to me but I have a gut feeling. I am trying to trust her but it’s very hard .. I can’t get hurt again, my daughter is depending on me.
I brought some of this up with her and she assured me there was nothing behind it and understood how it could all come across.... I even finished it with her but she turned up at my doorstep the very next day... she obviously has feelings for me... I have tried to get over it over the past couple of weeks but both his and her behaviour tonight just doesn’t add up.
I don’t know if I am reading to much into it... or paranoid and I have no one to talk to.
Please help.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/09/2021 02:37

Dump this idiot.

She has got some kind of weird cuckold / hot wife thing going on with her husband. To whom she is still married. You are a bit part player in their drama. Don't accept that for yourself.

Bogeyes · 26/09/2021 02:53

Move on from this strange and messy situation.

Monty27 · 26/09/2021 02:56

Run for the hills. She's very much married and so is her husband.

twoandeights · 26/09/2021 05:09

She’s still married and you are an affair. She’s got no intention of living with you!

BoffinMum · 26/09/2021 05:21

We have a cakeism situation here - she’s still very married, as others have said, you are her sex object/affair, so she can have her cake and eat it. I’d move on.

nameisnotimportant · 26/09/2021 05:26

It sounds like she's still with her husband and is cheating with you

PurpleSapphire · 26/09/2021 05:51

Sounds more like some kind of trial separation and they clearly have unfinished business. Sorry to say you may just be her bit of fun. Very odd situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2021 05:58

She's playing you for a fool.

Bogeyes · 26/09/2021 06:00

You are her entertainment...she probably find it very amusing.

Peace43 · 26/09/2021 07:00

Ouch, you are the bit on the side. Throw this one back!!

Singledad46 · 26/09/2021 07:30

There are other details I can't divulge... a massive bereavement hit the family where the media were involved and she says part of the reason they still appear married is because she doesn't want the media making further story's out of it...
But I just don't get it. If I was her affair then why would she be so open about her ex's involvement in her life especially the whole seeing her naked incident.
I can't understand why she would be so open about things if she had something to hide.
In the lead up to me catching my ex cheating I lived in a grim world of constantly thinking of this other fella.... and now that i am with this woman I feel myself going back to living in a grim world constantly thinking of whats going on with this ex husband.
I have had problems with mental health in the past and feel like I am at a fork in the road...
If she is above board and genuine I could be walking away from something that could be truly special... if there is something sinister going on... my mental health could take a beating and I could wind up losing my daughter.
The past few times I have seen this woman her ex is either phoning or texting.

I have just never seen ex's behave like this.
I really can't understand how she could be so open about his involvement if she had anything to hide.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 26/09/2021 07:37

I really can't understand how she could be so open about his involvement if she had anything to hide.

Hiding (or lying) in plain sight is quite a common tactic OP. Firstly by being 'open' it distracts you from the lies, but secondly if you ever 'catch' her out she can shrug and say, 'I was clear about the situation from the start' (even if she wasn't).

tolosewithin · 26/09/2021 07:54

If you have had problems with your mental health, this is the last situation you want to be in. My advice would be to get out now before you get even more attached.
Also I think she's playing games - she just happened to be lying naked on her bed where her husband could walk in? Sorry I don't buy it ie it could have happened but unlikely she didn't know it was a possibility and telling you is probably some mind fuck.
Run it's far too much drama to deal with - concentrate on your daughter and yourself.
Take care.

Onelifeonly · 26/09/2021 08:10

Regardless of her motivation, this relationship isn't doing you much good if you're obsessing about her husband and what she means by what she says. (Have to say I can't see why she would have been "lying naked" knowing he was in the house or likely to turn up).

Maybe tell her you want to cool it until she is less involved with her husband and things have moved on? Or just cut her loose, concentrate on your dd and wait a while to meet someone new. It sounds like you are both only a few months on from a split. You probably need more time to process your loss before moving on.

LemonadeLimes · 26/09/2021 08:14

She’s 100% still married. She even still has the ring on.

Put yourself and your child first. Leave this messy situation Flowers

StMarysKettle · 26/09/2021 08:18

It's been 4 months. Four months. You barely know her. Chuck this one back and do some work on your self esteem so you dont end up being taken for a mug in the future

WafflesOrIceCream · 26/09/2021 08:27

Yep she's still married!!You need to dump her!Come on OP, if so many posters on here are saying this then surely you can see it too?!

litterbird · 26/09/2021 08:27

Firstly you are not anywhere near ready to start a relationship with anyone....especially this awful triangulated one. You need to spend a good year or so on your own just recovering from your last relationship. If you dont recover and heal from a traumatic relationship end you end up being vulnerable to these types of people who will out right use you for their own gain. Listen OP, she is still very married to her husband....can you not see this in her actions? Its a clear as day. This is a situation you must get out of now before you get too entrenched in to it. I promise you if you stay your mental health will take a beating and then you have more problems on your hands. Stay single and concentrate on your child and yourself making a better life for both of you without all this crazy batshit drama being unfolded. She is still married...end of....run as fast as you can.

Treacletoots · 26/09/2021 08:35

Listen to what people do. Not what they say. Actions not words OP.

Sounds like she's is enjoying her cake and eating it and you are in no way ready to be in a relationship right now. Step back, do some work on yourself, be OK being single and only then, start to look at being in a relationship.

If you look to a relationship to make you whole, you're only half the person you could be. Look to make yourself happy, and for the relationship to improve it your life. This woman clearly is not doing that...

Throw this one back. She won't ever leave her husband.

TweetyPieBird · 26/09/2021 08:56

I’m sorry, but she is taking advantage of you. Please dump her and learn to love yourself. Re-build your self-esteem and find a decent womanSmile

daisychain01 · 26/09/2021 09:07

She's playing you like a fiddle.

If it's this bad, this early on, that's the loudest message to spin on your heels and walk away.

Surely you want better for your child?

Singledad46 · 26/09/2021 11:40

@litterbird

Firstly you are not anywhere near ready to start a relationship with anyone....especially this awful triangulated one. You need to spend a good year or so on your own just recovering from your last relationship. If you dont recover and heal from a traumatic relationship end you end up being vulnerable to these types of people who will out right use you for their own gain. Listen OP, she is still very married to her husband....can you not see this in her actions? Its a clear as day. This is a situation you must get out of now before you get too entrenched in to it. I promise you if you stay your mental health will take a beating and then you have more problems on your hands. Stay single and concentrate on your child and yourself making a better life for both of you without all this crazy batshit drama being unfolded. She is still married...end of....run as fast as you can.
I think this is the best advice I can take... I’m just so torn with it. When we first met we took a few weeks to get to know each other before we even kissed and she openly told me she had a fuck buddy, a girl has needs. I’ve never had a woman be as honest with me as that. Obviously before we started dating I told her she had to dump the buddy and she did.... she has been incredibly honest about a lot of things. Someone mentioned on the boards I should find someone decent... this woman has done things for charity, she has helped people... her line of work has been helping people... I know for a fact if I ever needed help with anything she would do whatever she could... aside from this ex situation I honestly cannot fault her. I think it’s simply boiling down to what you said litterbird reguarding this triangulated relationship.... I don’t think my mental health can cope with it any longer, I’m not strong enough. There isn’t a bone in my body that believes that she is still having sex with this guy... but whatever the deal is between them I know I can’t cope with it.... I’m so torn and bloody confused.
OP posts:
Alcemeg · 26/09/2021 19:55

and she openly told me she had a fuck buddy, a girl has needs. I’ve never had a woman be as honest with me as that.

Oh OP honesty is a good quality, but kindness is also important. Don't let your gratitude for her honesty blind you to her casual cruelty in stringing you and her husband along in a way that suggests she enjoys attention.

You are probably thrilled by honesty, after having been cheated on in the past, but try to find someone who has integrity too (e.g. basic consideration for other people's feelings). I'd agree with PP that you might be well served by some time alone. Good luck.

Bogeyes · 28/09/2021 07:17

The Krays gave lots of money to charity too!

NameWithChange · 28/09/2021 07:29

Whatever is going on it is too much.

This relationship right now just isn't the best thing for you.

I would tell her you need to take some time out and do that, it will be easier to read what is going on from the outside in a couple of months.

If it is meant to be things will work out ! But in the meantime safe yourself the mental torture.

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