I could really use some relationship advice

[Singledad46]

My ex of 20 years and I broke up after I discovered her cheating... she was very career driven so our 6 year old daughter came with me.

I met another woman 4 months ago and we get on like a house on fire.. it’s only been a short time but I have fallen for her and she says she feels the same.
She split up with her husband of 15 years about 8 months ago.
They own a house together and she owns a flat five minutes away from there marital home and he moved into the flat. They have a teenage son and she has a 24 year old son from a previous marriage.
The thing is, he is in there marital home quite a lot. Always calling in for dinner... calling in to watch football... to make them dinner etc. He uses her car on a daily basis.. if she breaks down he basically runs to the rescue and gets it fixed etc... if she has problems with the gardener... or anyone for that matter she calls him round to sort it. Nearly everything that goes on in the house... he is involved in.
He was around making dinner one afternoon and he went upstairs and saw her lying naked... which she told me about.
She still wears a wedding ring which she says has sentimental value as her mother bought the stone... but I thought... well why not put it on another finger... Facebook status.. married.
She won’t tell him about us saying she doesn’t want a messy divorce. She is selling the flat in a couple of weeks and told me she would tell him once he was off the street.. but now she isn’t telling him
She has sent me a couple of msgs meant for him stating little things like “don’t worry about it xx” kisses at the end of msgs isn’t usually what ex’s do.... I’ve never seen it before.
She was with me tonight, and her husband sat in there house with the two kids... once it got quite late she started getting anxious saying he was going to hit the roof... he also started txting saying “where are you” but it’s not like he was needed to sit with there teenage son as her older child was there.
She has been away with me for the odd night, one minute it seems she is being really truthful with me, telling me about the naked incident and the next minute it feels like they are not ex’s at all.
I am still very fragile after I found my ex cheating and I am getting to the point I don’t know where to turn, this woman is really special to me but I have a gut feeling. I am trying to trust her but it’s very hard .. I can’t get hurt again, my daughter is depending on me.
I brought some of this up with her and she assured me there was nothing behind it and understood how it could all come across.... I even finished it with her but she turned up at my doorstep the very next day... she obviously has feelings for me... I have tried to get over it over the past couple of weeks but both his and her behaviour tonight just doesn’t add up.
I don’t know if I am reading to much into it... or paranoid and I have no one to talk to.
Please help.

Even if she doesn't want to be with the husband any longer she hasn't broken away from him fully and probably won't for a long time. This situation is too messy, it won't end well for you.

You'll see people on these boards and in life who will break up with their partner over them having an emotional affair.

This woman is still very much in her marriage, they haven't truly broken up really and that's why you are on edge here. While she behaves like this with him you can never really have a full relationship with her.

So okay + they can't be public about their break up right now, fine...does that mean she has to text him with xx? Should he be asking where she is if out late? Why can't she tell him about you?

You know the answer...run for the hills, you won't find happiness here.

Find someone who cherishes you. However ‘nice’ she is, she’s not treating you right as she’s not actually fully available.

Thanks for all of the reply’s guys... gave me a lot to think about.

It sounds very messy and like there is a whole heap of hurt coming your way if you get more deeply emotionally invested in this situation.
End this now on your terms and move on, there are plenty more fish in the sea who will not play you like this woman is.

The situation isn't right. You are the new f*k buddy.

Your gut reaction is 100% accurate. You just need the confidence to trust it. This will come in time and I absolutely agree with the pp about staying single for a good while.

This situation is a mess. I put money on they have an "arrangement" of some kind and unfortunately you are part of the game.

There is no truth. Her declarations aren't honesty. It's a trick to get you to think that everything she then tells you is true. And it's not. You know it's not.

The whole sorry saga, particularly the naked thing, sounds like a dreadful 70's drama. Awful, just awful.

End it for good this time. You are in control.

It very much sounds like they have an arrangement where they try out seeing other people.
A decent human being wouldn't do this to you.

I met another woman 4 months ago

Neither of you owes eachother much for a 4 month relationship.

However, it sounds like it's causing a lot of distress for you so it's a good time to part.

Please stop this madness. The facts all suggest you are dating a married woman. Maybe they have an open marriage and the husband is fine with this. Maybe she's messing with his head as well.

Whatever the truth, it's messy and it's making you unhappy. Cut your losses now - it's only been 4 months so shouldn't be too difficult.

By the way the story about her husband finding her naked.... don't you think that's odd? Who lies naked on the bed while their 'ex' cooks downstairs? Then the ex happens to walk in to her bedroom and find her... I take it it's normal for him to do that then? Who would be OK with that? I say she told you to play with you / to mess with your head / to make you jealous.

She is bad news.

his woman is really special to me but I have a gut feeling. I am trying to trust her but it’s very hard .. I can’t get hurt again, my daughter is depending on me

Always trust your gut. Always.

End it with her and take some time to recover from your previous relationship.
I have no idea what is going on with her but it sounds like things are not over with her husband. Their lives sound very intertwined. Perhaps they are having a trial separation or perhaps they have not separated at all and she's having an affair with you. Plenty of people lie to partners about the status of their marriage - claiming it is over when it very much isn't.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what's going on with those two, it's clear she is not free (for whatever reason) to enter into a relationship with you. And you need time to recover from yours. Build up your own self-esteem, allow yourself time to get over it. Only then are you ready to start dating again, never mind start a serious relationship.
If your self-esteem is low or you're hurting from things that have happened before you tend to attract people who are perhaps not the best kind of people - you're more likely to get used, you're more likely to suffer abuse, and you are more likely to put up with loads of shit from them because of your feelings of "I'm not good enough. I can't get anyone better so I should stick with this one".

Do yourself and your daughter a favour and dump this woman.

What @fumfspos just said.

I am trying to trust her but it’s very hard...

As someone who got badly burned repeatedly by readily trusting all kinds of people, until I finally learned my lesson, I recommend not trying to trust anyone at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. People can be really weird and hide it well.

Run and keep running,she is definitely still married, take some time to heal xx

I am trying to trust her but it’s very hard

You don't have to try to trust someone. It's like trying to like sprouts. You either do or you don't, and you really just have to accept whatever your feeling is.

If you don't trust someone, you have to make a distance from them. It's not the same question as whether they are trustworthy. Maybe they are, and you are not ready to trust. That still necessitates distance.

Stop ignoring your gut. It is the bit of you that does 'happy', 'content', fulfilled', and it will never reach these if you keep telling it to shut up and stop being an insecure idiot.

All of that is, of course, general advice. With regard to your specific situation, it sounds like the reason you don't trust her is because she's untrustworthy.