Another night of it, Is this normal?

[Moooooveover]

To have to have to continually endure verbal abuse when your partner is drunk?

Currently 2 children and 5 months pregnant and not having an easy ride with it. No matter what its just constant name calling and verbal assault when he’s had too much to drink (very often).
Trying to throw daggers where it hurts, albeit none of it really effects me because I’m numb to it now.

I feel like I’m in the most toxic situation - one minute so much love and adoration he can sing my praises to the world and anyone on the outside thinks I’m the luckiest person to be so loved and spoilt… and he does make me feel so special.
But the minute we have a social function and there is drinking, it leads to a completely different matter.

Won’t give up the drink - tried that one. And that really would be the answer to a lot of the problems.

Due to the amount of toxic relationships I’ve had to witness around me I do wonder whether it’s ever greener on the other side and do you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

Not normal no, and not something I would put up with from anyone. Id forgive someone i cared about if they said something mean while in severe pain or having a weird reaction to medication or something as a one off but not if it was a repeated avoidable occurrence.

It's definitely not normal.

Depending on how volatile he is, you could try recording him and then letting him listen to it when he's sober. But honestly? He knows what he's like when he's drinking yet he's still doing it.

It is definitely not normal and it is your responsibility to ensure that your children are not raised in this environment. The damage it will do to their lives will be immeasurable. You must leave this man.

Ltb. I stayed way too long. At 29 ds still has therapy for being around such a dead beat df...

To clarify it’s never in front of the children. They are always put to bed and completely unaware.

I have thought of recording it but wasn’t sure if I would be antagonising the situation. I also think he wouldn’t even watch it.
I think he’s in denial, he grew up with a horrible father and witnessing things kids never should.
Although in many ways he’s done as much as he can to not be anything like him, I think when the alcohol is added it brings it out of him.

It’s so difficult as he does so much to make sure myself and the children have everything we need and strive for the life he never had, but he always lets himself down when he’s mixed his drinks.

None of my partners have ever done this, despite some of them being way less than perfect. I’m really sorry you’re experiencing it: please know it isn’t normal and you deserve better regardless of him providing for you/talking you up around others.

Please don't think for one minute your children aren't aware.

I still recall very clearly hearing my parents arguing, I must have been about 9 or 10. It only happened once or twice but it made me very scared.

If you think the kids are unaware you're deluded.

Certainly as they get older they will notice.

If I were you it'd be ultimatum time. Quit the drinking and associated verbal abuse or it's over.

You and the kids don't deserve this.

It won't stop until you do something about it but of course keep yourself safe.

I'm guessing his horrible father was horrible for similar reasons/in similar ways?

I'm guessing he started out "only" being a belligerent drunk too.

Is his mum around? Can she tell you how it started with his father?

To clarify it’s never in front of the children. They are always put to bed and completely unaware.

Stop lying to yourself. Children ALWAYS know.

No!! Not normal and not OK!

By all means record it.

Then play it on a loop in the kitchen, in the car, in the garden (not in front of the kids). Just do it without comment.

I’d be putting a deadline on him dealing with it, or moving out.

You’ve normalised this behaviour a lot. I know it’s likely a survival strategy, but it’s time to change tack. I bet you keep it all secret for him too? Maybe start being honest with his family and friends. Since he’s so keen on speaking ‘no holds barred’ to you. Shame can be quite the motivator, when nothing else works.

At least set up couples therapy and make it non-negotiable.

You're describing my dad, my poor mum took if for decades. He stopped drinking and the abuse reduced along with the reasons to argue but he still has a nasty tongue and is verbally abusive regularly.

We were raised in a war zone. She said she stayed with him for the kids, for us, we grew up angry and afraid. We were afraid he'd turn on us, she would say he never abused the kids, true he didn't but we had to live with the fear that he was going to at any time.

I'm so sorry.

They are always put to bed and completely unaware.

They will when they get older though.

This is not right, no. Noone should have to put up with that.

As for all relationships being dysfunctional; not all have dysfunction/abuse, and also you don't have to be in a relationship, you know

It’s so difficult as he does so much to make sure myself and the children have everything we need and strive for the life he never had, but he always lets himself down when he’s mixed his drinks.

You know abusers often put of loads of effort in certain ways because they know they're bastards, they know they're deeply flawed, they know they're pushing you tk the brink of throwing in the towel with their abuse ... and they need to.counter balance that with something/s that make you say "but he's abc", but he's so great simevif the time etc etc. It's probably not even conscious/jntentional, they do it sort of instinctively it's why abusers aldonjften love bomb and are super "romantic", they know it'll make their victim less likely likely to leave.

He knows he abuses you when drunk. You say you tried to get him to stop drinking abd essentially, no chance. So drinking is more important to.him than not abusing you than your welfare. He chooses to continue doing something he knows leads to him abusing you. He could go for help to stop if he really wanted to stop. He hasn't. Says it all.

Of course your children know, or will know soon enough.

And then they'll be conditioned to pretend they don't know, and they'll live on high alert all the time, getting more and more anxious, learning a dysfunctional lesson about how relationships work.

If you can get out of this, please do. Please start to plan your safe way out - for you and them.

What support do you need?

he grew up with a horrible father and witnessing things kids never should.

That sounds very disturbing in terms I a model for behaviour, on terms of values.

Interesting that he was victimised by that, yet chooses to abuse and victimise someone else; his partner and mum to his kids.

At least set up couples therapy and make it non-negotiable..

Couples therapy is not recommended at all for an abuser; and this man is severely verbally abusing the op, repeatedly.

Also why would op need to be in the therapy (as part of part of couple), she's not the one getting drunk and verbally abusing her partner.

one minute so much love and adoration he can sing my praises to the world and anyone on the outside thinks I’m the luckiest person to be so loved and spoilt… and he does make me feel so special.

He knows what he's like, he's overcompensating for the abuse.

He knows if he doesn't, you might see the scales as skewed and things might get more difficult for him, you might even call it a day.

My marriage was like this we weren't perfect but when he drank it was like walking on glass and he would wait until we were at home before he would kick off. He used to jab me in the shoulder to try and get me to react. Once we had kids and he went out on his own it changed I was a nag if I waited up for him and I didn't care about him if I went to bed. He used to put loud music on and once came back at 2-30am with a kebab for me which I had thrown at me because I was in bed and didn't obviously want it!!
When I left him he had the audacity to say that he couldn't understand why I had left him🙄

when he’s had too much to drink (very often).

So he's essentially an alcoholic.

I'm genuinely not trying to be rude or unpleasant, but what us it about an alcoholic that you think makes good partner and family man material?

His behaviour is (maybe) not affecting the kids yet but will sooner or later.

It is affecting you.

By default its also affecting the kids through you because he's detracting from your happiness, relaxation, confidence and ease, no matter how you try to function for them like it's not happening.

He may earn etc but that doesn't mean he's not an alcoholic, he's just a functioning one.

He's not going to change or stop unless he stops drinking altogether, he needs to accept that and go to AA or similar.

I don't think he will though, by the sounds of it.

Sounds like he's already self medicating for his childhood trauma etc with alcohol - he needs to go to counselling and stop drinking.

However I tend to think that stuff doesn't come out of a drunk person that isn't in there, so even if he does all that ,(which I doubt he will) ... it might just leak out in other ways. Maybe it's who he is.

he grew up with a horrible father and witnessing things kids never should

Same as your kids.

What’s the downside of leaving him and not having to deal with this? There is none right?

I have thought of recording it but wasn’t sure if I would be antagonising the situation. I also think he wouldn’t even watch it.

If something distresses you and is affecting the quality of your life, and he can't be bothered to find out more, that's as bad as the actual drunken abuse (which, by the way, is pretty grim).

Good luck x

No, it's not normal, I left mine in the end