Another night of it, Is this normal?

[Moooooveover]

To have to have to continually endure verbal abuse when your partner is drunk?

Currently 2 children and 5 months pregnant and not having an easy ride with it. No matter what its just constant name calling and verbal assault when he’s had too much to drink (very often).
Trying to throw daggers where it hurts, albeit none of it really effects me because I’m numb to it now.

I feel like I’m in the most toxic situation - one minute so much love and adoration he can sing my praises to the world and anyone on the outside thinks I’m the luckiest person to be so loved and spoilt… and he does make me feel so special.
But the minute we have a social function and there is drinking, it leads to a completely different matter.

Won’t give up the drink - tried that one. And that really would be the answer to a lot of the problems.

Due to the amount of toxic relationships I’ve had to witness around me I do wonder whether it’s ever greener on the other side and do you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

I was a kid who was 'in bed' I heard everything very clearly.

"To clarify it’s never in front of the children. They are always put to bed and completely unaware".

Sorry but they do know; sound travels. They likely hear every single word uttered. At the very least they sense, see and hear far more than either of you care to realise. They certainly pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; from the little you write about that, it seems to be an awful lot of damaging stuff. Your own dysfunctional childhood paid a large part in you actually being with this man now.

You do realise too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You need to put your own self as well as your children both front and centre here rather than this man who has and will continue to cause you all great pain and suffering. What do you want to teach your children about relationships, what are they learning here?. Would you want your children as adults to be describing a similar type of relationship online?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either

How can you be helped here into getting rid of your abuser?. At the very least you need to contact both the Police and Womens Aid. Have you ever considered divorcing him; after all this relationship is over anyway because of the abuse he metes out to you (and in turn your children).

The fact is op, he is an abuser all the time. Why? Because he knows when he drinks, he abuses you. And yet, he still drinks.

Get out of there. Your children are aware what is going on and if they are not, they soon will be. They absolutely know one way or another that their mother is not happy in this relationship and considering you are the person who they loo to to form an idea of what relationships they should choose for themselves in adulthood, you have a responsibility to show them that no one should stay with an abuser or in a relationship where they are not happy.

• look to too

Also, you are talking about is called the 'cycle of abuse'. Where abusers go from nice to nasty to nice in order to make you feel like there must be some good in them and they don't mean to hurt you.

But: he.absolutely.means.to.hurt.you.

It's not normal, no. Why do you care what's 'normal', though? If something is normal, do you think you'd have to put up with it, even if it made you miserable? You wouldn't. You never have to put up with something that makes you miserable.

When you mention the grass being greener on the other side, what do you mean by the other side? Another man, or being single?

It absolutely is not normal. DH and I have been together 12 years and he has never done that. Nor have any of my previous partners. I would not put up with it even once.

"I feel like I’m in the most toxic situation - one minute so much love and adoration he can sing my praises to the world and anyone on the outside thinks I’m the luckiest person to be so loved and spoilt… and he does make me feel so special".

That is the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. I would think that one or two of your own friends/social circle have their private based suspicions about your drunkard H.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Make better choices now for you and they going forward. They will NOT say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him if you choose to, you will be despised by them for doing so.

My ex used to do this. I would dread him drinking. He was a complete lightweight and couldn’t handle his drink. Would get shitfaced on a few pints and horribly verbally abuse me. Over the years the verbal abuse whilst drunk turned into physical abuse whilst drunk, which then lead to physical abuse whilst sober. Please don’t put up with it. He won’t change and you need to leave.

I feel like I’m in the most toxic situation - one minute so much love and adoration he can sing my praises to the world and anyone on the outside thinks I’m the luckiest person to be so loved and spoilt… and he does make me feel so special

It's a textbook cycle of abuse - does this image feel familiar and reflect the cycle you experience, roughly?

Your children already know more than you think.

Lots of us have been those children and we as adults are telling you - you never hide it from us as well as you think.

This IS who he is, he's not a good bloke who suddenly transforms when he drinks. He is abusive when he's drunk because he's abusive.

And OP, even if that wasn't true (it is, but for arguments sake), if you knew that there was a trigger within your control (e.g. drinking) that made you emotionally abuse, bully, berate and verbally humiliate someone you supposedly love... the other parent of your children... would you avoid that trigger? Of course you would. He doesn't. That isn't love, not by a long shot.

Lots of us have been those children and we as adults are telling you - you never hide it from us as well as you think

Seconded. OP, they will know that things are not as they should be, even if they don't witness the abuse. They will witness moods, atmospheres, a feeling of distrust. They will be aware of the toxicity, just as you are when you know he's going to drink, but hasn't yet been abusive to you. It's not just about what happens, it's about the gaps in between, and it's just as toxic for the kids as for you, and you are demonstrating to them that this is how a romantic relationship between adults should feel. They will replicate this when they are older. Do you want that for them?

If not, demonstrate to them that if your relationship becomes toxic, you leave.

So he only drinks when the children are in bed? Unlikely.

What about at a daytime ‘social function?’ Does he wait for them to go to bed before abusing you? Again that’s not likely based on what you say.

NOT normal

Sorry to point this out but if he is in control enough not to do this in front of the children (like others I agree it's unlikely that they don't know) then he is actively choosing to behave that way towards you.

You deserve better www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

Just to say - I’ve been told about some stuff as an adult that went on when I was in bed as a kid and I certainly didn’t know those specific events took place until I was told. I DID know things weren’t right though and I DID suffer a really dysfunctional childhood because my parents were dysfunctional and had a dysfunctional marriage. It doesn’t really matter if you pretend, hide or otherwise try to conceal the dynamic of abuse like this for the kids, the fact it exists is enough to create a dysfunctional, toxic family environment and energy. And sometimes it’s actually worse for kids when they live in screwed up energy but don’t really know what is happening other than it feels bad - because it’s hidden, not talked about, swept under the carpet. Creates a lot of confusion and issues that can take decades to unpick in adulthood because so much goes in on this unspoken level.

@LastGirlSanding

Just to say - I’ve been told about some stuff as an adult that went on when I was in bed as a kid and I certainly didn’t know those specific events took place until I was told. I DID know things weren’t right though and I DID suffer a really dysfunctional childhood because my parents were dysfunctional and had a dysfunctional marriage. It doesn’t really matter if you pretend, hide or otherwise try to conceal the dynamic of abuse like this for the kids, the fact it exists is enough to create a dysfunctional, toxic family environment and energy. And sometimes it’s actually worse for kids when they live in screwed up energy but don’t really know what is happening other than it feels bad - because it’s hidden, not talked about, swept under the carpet. Creates a lot of confusion and issues that can take decades to unpick in adulthood because so much goes in on this unspoken level.

This is so true.

He’s an arsehole. He knows fine well what happens when he drinks but still carries on. That’s not a loving partner. Does anyone know about his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour?

I was the child in this scenario and it was fucking awful. Of course your kids are aware! Please don't kid yourself that they're not.

The best thing my mum ever did was finally getting rid of the alcoholic, abusive arsehole.

Sadly, it took him becoming repeatedly violent to us all for that to happen but what's a few more years of trauma to an already messed up kid?

You are wasting your life with this man who knows what he is like when he's drunk but still refuses to stop drinking.

Drinking matters more to him than you, more than the relationship with you, and more than the family you are trying to create.

You are already numb to the verbal abuse. You are asking what is normal in a relationship. That means a part of you has already been seriously damaged by his treatment of you. By this I mean the roller coaster and the Jekyll and Hyde thing that is going on - the highs and lows in succession, the difference between public and private performance, and the fact that you believe nobody would believe you if you were to try talking about your problem.

It's very hard to envision changing your life completely when you have little children and a baby on the way, but you need to start working on ending this toxic relationship.

The only part of this that you can change, the only part you have any power over, is how you respond to the abuse.

You can try patience, and pretend to yourself that some day your love and loyalty and belief in his good intentions will turn him into the diamond you believe lurks under the horrible rough. This route is also called inertia born of a sense of misplaced pride and optimism that is toxic to you.

Or you can adopt the mantra of Al Anon:
You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

I recommend you get tough with yourself and start planning for divorce. If this man cared at all about what you care about, if he cared at all about you, the first time he did this would have been the last.

No, it's nit normal at all.

If he won't stop drinking, I'd leave him.

Do the Freedom Programme so you can learn what a healthy relationship looks like. You and your dc deserve better.

To clarify it’s never in front of the children. They are always put to bed and completely unaware.

Don’t be so sure about that. And if they’re not aware now, they will be as they get older. I grew up around this and was very very aware.

And he won’t stop drinking, my mum is in her 60s now and still putting up with the same behaviour (and still trying to hide it from her children)

No it's not normal & I can't work out why you are having more children with him if he's nasty like this. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

You need to leave him & avoid the children growing up hearing him being nasty & aggressive to their Mum.

If he was a decent person he would be ashamed and horrified and vow never to drink again (and do it). His actively choosing to drink, in itself, is him telling you how little he cares about your feelings. I'm so sorry for you but as someone with a similar father he's likely to turn on the kids eventually as well.

He abuses you and yet has no interest in stopping the drinking or the abuse.
He doesn't give a shit.

You need to protect yourself and your children.