I'm really broken and lonely right now (TW DV)

[feelingreallysadrightnow]

I'm alone in bed, crying and all I want in the world is my husband to come and hold me.

But earlier this week he attacked me, I have bruises the shape of his hands and fingers, he repeatedly banged my head over and over holding it by the hair, smacked me in my face while calling me a bitch.

The first time in a long time it had been physical but it was coming to a head as I wouldn't let him be in the house around kids as he was increasing in emotional abuse and controlling behaviour.

We were seperated but supposedly working on our relationship. I left after he threatened to kill me about two years ago. But my stupid jealous
reaction to him having an affair in this separate period and then covid fears drew us back together. At that point I thought he really was changing, seeking support etc.

Been together almost twenty years since I was a teen. Can't imagine a life without him. Trying so hard not to screw this up again as kids are damaged enough already.

So sorry you're going through this. Do you feel up to calling women's aid?

A lot to unpick there. What advice would
you give your children in this scenario? Take it one day at a time, you've got a whole life to build. Which will no doubt be infinitely better without him. With him, you're just going back in to boxing ring.

I accessed these about two years ago.
The national domestic violence helpline just directed to local services.

Local service I didn't find helpful. I got an outreach worker but they changed several times and I never knew what they actually could do for me (and seemed like neither could they). I had issues with housing but they couldn't suggest anything I hadn't already thought of, I have fixed that issue now. I agreed for referral to counselling but it got missed/lost.

Then I was back caught up with him all over again.

He been pressuring me to see him since it happened. I've declined and said today it was not worth our talking anymore as he started blaming it on me. I've read the recommended books and links now so I recognised him blaming on me, minimising what had happened then switching to feeling suicidal when first set of tactics didn't work.

But it doesn't stop it hurting or me wanting him.

I think you need to educate yourself about domestic abuse.

Get every book you can read, do the freedom programme. Visit the local refuge. Join a women only support group. Read on the internet.

Once you know about the cycle of violence, the characteristics of the most common types of perpetrators etc it's much easier to detach yourself emotionally. You can step back and see what they are doing.

In a nutshell it's bullying and control. These men are nasty bastards with no respect for anyone.

Why would you want to spend your life with someone like that? You are a million times better off on your own.

And if you want to call yourself a half way decent parent you have to keep him away from your children.

It's so pathetic that these men get off on controlling someone physically weaker than them.

But you are not emotionally weaker. You are a mother who has to fight for a decent life foe herself and her children. You are way way better than him. You deserve much much better.

Stay strong. You sound such a lovely and intelligent woman.

It’s normal to want to be comforted and cuddled by a loving husband/partner. But that man doesn’t exist for you. If you stay with this poor excuse for a human, you never will experience that tender and loving care you fully deserve.
Block and delete. Don’t even engage with him. And take photos of your injuries. Your life is worth more than this and your children are too. ❤️

No advice but I'm so sorry you are going through so much.

You don't miss him you miss the dreams of the marriage you deserved. Just stay strong for your children

You can't imagine a life without him but there is one, a good one 🙂.

He's violent and an abuser. You don't want real him, that's why you split, you want "nice him" but that person doesn't exist. There are others out there who are good men though. By cutting loose this horror you're freeing up a vacancy in your life for one of these better ones.

You're hurting right now but you will get through it. You can't turn off your feelings like a tap. You had dreams and plans and you need to grieve those, it's a temporary process and your feelings of wanting him will fade in time. Ask for emotional support from the local DV service, you need a listening ear and to be around people who understand what you're going through. Turn to them, not to him. Ask your friends for a hug.

Have you reported the attack to the police? And told them about the emotional abuse? If you haven't, get a friend to take photos in case you decide to report it later. Get checked out by a doctor too, if you haven't already, to make sure you don't have any head injury that needs treating. Better safe than sorry. It's a terrible thing he's done.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He won't change, you know that in your heart. Focus on healing and rebuilding your life.

I'm so sorry your in this situation and understand that your feelings for him don't die because he's hurting you.
But by the sounds of things this could escalate and you could die because you love him.
Who would be there for your children? Him?
Please, equip yourself with knowledge access services again, get support,
record, photograph and if you want to and can, report him.
You already know how difficult it can be to break away but a future with no violence is worth fighting for.
It's not how many times we fall, it's how many times we get back up that counts.

You wouldn’t tolerate a total stranger beating and abusing you. Don’t tolerate the person whose meant to love and protect you doing it. You have to find the strength for your children alone if you can’t do it for yourself. Grieve the life you thought you’d have and focus on making your life better day by day, little by little, without him.

Op you are trauma bonded to this man. You have been tolerating this drama for so long that its all you know. Its like a drug that you don't even enjoy but are addicted to anyway. You can't imagine life without him in it. Sitting in bed crying and longing for this pig to come and embrace you lovingly is just a dream. Men like this don't behave like that. His main purpose in life is to punish you. He needs to punish you for all of those things you keep on doing wrong. You will never get it right. You will never have a good husband. Your husband despises you. Your husband despises woman.

You need to call the police. Can you search your own username and read what you wrote 12 years ago when your kids were 3 & 1. It will give you the strength to remember just how long you have been suffering and more importantly more long your children have been witnessing this abuse and for you to finally let go.

@Lullsby

You need to call the police. Can you search your own username and read what you wrote 12 years ago when your kids were 3 & 1. It will give you the strength to remember just how long you have been suffering and more importantly more long your children have been witnessing this abuse and for you to finally let go.

Exactly what this poster said. 2009 op. That's a huge amount of time. Please, do what this poster said.

Next time he may well kill you please report to the police and apply for a restraining order.

You poor poor thing.

Paraphrasing ChumpLady slightly here, but if a total stranger beat you up on the street, would you go to them for comfort? Aahh, but it's different, I hear you say. To which I reply: it's different because /you/ have made it so. You've talked yourself into making the intolerable tolerable.

If it sounds like I'm scolding you, well, yeah, a little, but the main takeaway is, /you/ can control You. If you've managed the mental and emotional gymnastics to make your relationship bearable, you can put your awesome powers to better use, for you and your children. It just needs a brain wobble, then a fair bit of practice, until you kick the addiction.

You're stronger than you think.

feelingreallysadrightnow

How are you today?

I hope you were able to sleep ok, x

Thanks for messages of support. I would prefer if people didn't mention or link to previous threads to try and keep this as anon as possible.

There seems to be a missing link in my head. I've read the books recommended on here. Looked at the freedom programme and just found it unrelatable. I did engage with the Lundy Bancroft book but maybe hoped that he would at least try like men in perpetrator perishes. I have multiple audio books see what you made me do /how to stop feeling like shit/treating sexual betrayal trauma etc etc. But still find it hard to break the cycle in my brain.

I still want him. I'm distracting myself keeping busy. Evening comes and I'm so lonely. I'm staying away from him but more because other people want me to, because it's the right thing to do not because I have any real desire too

I won't be involving the police, they were involved once in past and didn't find them supportive. My Dr had examined me, is monitoring head injury and was one who reported to ss.

I've told some friends and trying to get some kind of real life support system in place.

If you don't keep away you may have your DC removed.

The wanting him sounds like a co-dependency. You get an emotional high when he wants to be with you and chooses you.

Please ask for support from woman's aid.

The longer you stay away from any contact with him, the more your brain will adjust. I left my ex because it was the right thing to do, for myself, for my DC. I still loved him. Gradually over a year or so that faded and as time went on I could see him for what he really was more and more. Then I didn't love him any more. Your safety and DC safety is the most important thing so do what you know is right. See if you can get counselling through Women's Aid because you sound like you might need a therapist to help you untangle your thoughts.

Different scenario but I was like that with a serious illness, I read the self help book and couldn't relate because I kept thinking "that doesn't apply to me because..." It took a therapist to help me see that all my "because..." type reasons were wrong.

@Lullsby

You need to call the police. Can you search your own username and read what you wrote 12 years ago when your kids were 3 & 1. It will give you the strength to remember just how long you have been suffering and more importantly more long your children have been witnessing this abuse and for you to finally let go.

This. Your children have been witnessing this abuse for 12 whole years op. You need to stay strong and stay away from him for good.

Why do you still want him? This dude has been abusing you and your children for 12 years ffs. You need to stay strong and keep him gone.

I think that's the kind of attitude I got from police and others and why I ended up deeper in especially when covid lockdown hit. Me and him against the world.

It hasn't been like that for the whole time, been good and bad period and good times make it hard to believe the bad times really occurred. Kids totally oblivious of last incident.

Have googled codependency like someone suggested and there seems to be truth there.

I did previously seek out counselling but was only entitled to six sessions so didn't seem to really work on my understanding the issues. Counsellor recommended more communication with him and we role played things to say to him.

That counsellor sounds shit, focussed on getting you back together, as though they had no grasp of the problems or experience with abusive relationships. Yours isn't a communication problem it's an abuse problem, no amount of communication skills is ever going to fix abuse.

I suppose even if you only got 6 sessions again, you'd be coming at it from a different angle now you understand yourself that it's an abusive relationship and you need to stay away from him.

Maybe part of the problem last time was you telling the counsellor something like "he's lovely really, we're just struggling to get along at the moment but it's usually fine" and the counsellor believed you?

If you went in there saying "my partner is abusive to me and DC, he's physically attacked me and I need to stay away from him, but I'm struggling with feeling codependent", you might find the process more helpful.

Also there are many forms of therapy and perhaps counselling isn't the right type for this problem. I guess you won't know until you try.