I'm really broken and lonely right now (TW DV)

[feelingreallysadrightnow]

I'm alone in bed, crying and all I want in the world is my husband to come and hold me.

But earlier this week he attacked me, I have bruises the shape of his hands and fingers, he repeatedly banged my head over and over holding it by the hair, smacked me in my face while calling me a bitch.

The first time in a long time it had been physical but it was coming to a head as I wouldn't let him be in the house around kids as he was increasing in emotional abuse and controlling behaviour.

We were seperated but supposedly working on our relationship. I left after he threatened to kill me about two years ago. But my stupid jealous
reaction to him having an affair in this separate period and then covid fears drew us back together. At that point I thought he really was changing, seeking support etc.

Been together almost twenty years since I was a teen. Can't imagine a life without him. Trying so hard not to screw this up again as kids are damaged enough already.

Well done for your strength so far! 🤗

Sounds like you've got a bit of support to help keep you on the detox straight & narrow, at least until you can do it yourself. If it helps, though, think of him as something (food analogy) not just nastily fattening, but really not all that tasty to begin with. Or (drug analogy) annoyingly hard to do, makes you stupid, and overly expensive. Or similar concepts, whatever works for you. Picture him like he's your own personal boggart after the Riddikulus curse, with, I dunno, a string vest and trakkies or whatever you find repulsive. Just stay strong - "fake it til you make it" sort of thing. Hugs.

Kids totally oblivious of last incident.

^^they probably know more then you think op. I grew up in a very dysfunctional and violent household. No contact with one parent and very low contact with other as an adult. As a child they get no say what they're exposed to. But they'll grow up into adults and have memories.

Have you been in touch with Women's Aid? Start speaking to them, access some courses to help you build some resilience and understand why you aren't don't feel able to leave.

There's been a brilliant post recently from someone who actually lost custody of her DC for 5 years due to DV and her inability to distance herself / see through her partner. She has some great insights and recommends comms one of the agencies and courses that helped her gain back her DC.

@inmyslippers

Kids totally oblivious of last incident.

^^they probably know more then you think op. I grew up in a very dysfunctional and violent household. No contact with one parent and very low contact with other as an adult. As a child they get no say what they're exposed to. But they'll grow up into adults and have memories.

Exactly this.

I was just the same. Grew up with DV and did a good job of pretending I didn't know. I did, I heard everything and saw quite a bit. Even though I am 50 now, I still remember the absolute fear I felt back then, trying to shove myself into the gap between the wall and bed so I would disappear.

I also went no contact and very low contact with my parents (divorced by then) after my DC were born. It really affected me at that point in my life - having my own child brought all kinds of feelings to the surface, how could they not protect me as their child?

There are no raised voices or violence in my house - ever.

Please think about the long term impact on your DC.

You can do this.

Couples counselling is never appropriate in cases of DV. However, individual counselling sounds like it may suit you. I understand that your emotions haven't caught up with rational thought. If it was that easy, no one would ever stay with an abuser. And yet they do. Emotions are powerful things. As someone above mentioned, its trauma bonding. It's common and does not mean you're a weak person, but it's likely to need some professional help to unpick.

As someone else also pointed out, it also gets easier the longer you're apart. I read so.e research which suggests it takes about 3 months just to let the effects ot constant cortisol flooding recede, after which you become more capable of making good longer-term decisions rather than only able to think of immediate ones ( which often focus on keeping you safe and so see many women going back as they see this safer than antagonising their abuser through leaving). The decision to leave will feel easier to believe in if you can stick to it. One day at a time.

You are probably someone who puts your own needs bottom of the pile, so try to reframe this as your DCs needs v your abuser's needs rather than you leaving v staying. Modeling that you don't tolerate violence and abuse from a partner is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

Regardless of police involvement, please make sure you seek all the professional support you can. The freedom programme particularly is a good place to start and where you'll find lots of non-judgmental support.

Good luck.

Children were at another location and it didn't occur in my home, so they definitely not aware. He doesn't live with me and injuries were well hidden.

They were aware of previous incident which was why we split.

I will try counselling again. He was a male counsellor, very nice but focus was wrong in hindsight. Think I might go in with suggested line about codependency and see if that helps

I wrote about this on another thread recently. My DHs father has only recently been served with a protection order following decades of abuse on DH’s mother, physically for the earlier years but now more coercive control type behaviour and psychological and emotional abuse. The trigger for the order was that he attempted to lock DHs sister into a room and then later pulled a machete on DH when he confronted him. So now my FIL is mid seventies and he is still causing absolute mayhem in MILs life and obviously his 3 kids lives. MIL is a lovely woman but she absolutely minimises and denies the abusive behaviour but add to that she manipulates her kids to stay in FILs life when at this stage they just want a relationship with her and because of that she enables his abuse.

These issues don’t go away with these men. DHs family are still dealing with the behaviour from a man in his seventies. You don’t deserve a life like that. You absolutely don’t.

Read about trauma bonding OP.

broxtowewomensproject.org.uk/trauma-bonding/

@feelingreallysadrightnow

Children were at another location and it didn't occur in my home, so they definitely not aware. He doesn't live with me and injuries were well hidden.

They were aware of previous incident which was why we split.

They won't always be in another house though OP. Next time, or the time after, or the time after that they will be there.

Plus it isn't just the violent episode itself that is upsetting, it's the toxic, stress laden atmosphere in the house and the awareness that something just isn't quite right with Mum.