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Original poster

We like each other but it’s complicated

40 replies

MamaOl93 · 25/09/2021 14:50

A few months ago I liked a guy, we went on two dates and decided it wasn’t gonna go anywhere but we stayed as friends, and are really good friends.

He then introduced me to his other friends, and one of them has become a really good friend of mine now also, but whenever we’re alone we always end up kissing and have admitted we like each other, but we always say “it’s never gonna happen again” or “we can’t do this because you/I liked him first” so it’s not appropriate

So we like each other and like I said above, can’t ignore our feelings when we’re together on our own and have admitted there’s feelings and chemistry there.

But we feel we can’t do anything else or take it any further because of our mutual friend (who introduced me to him) because I had feelings for him first/would be inappropriate etc.
We haven’t told our friend any of what’s happened as we dread the outcome.

But I can’t stop thinking about him and feel torn?
Ultimately my friendship with the first guy is more important but does that mean I’m not allowed to date anyone else again? That’s how its making me feel 😕

OP posts:
Thehop · 25/09/2021 14:52

I honestly would talk to original friend. Tell him you’d like to go out on a date with friend he introduced you to.

Pinkbonbon · 25/09/2021 14:59

Seriously op?

You said it yourself, you weren't ever into the first guy. Also, if he is your friend, he will be happy for you both.

Truthfully, are YOU really worried about telling him? Or is HE? Because it sounds to me like he may creating this imaginary drama on order to keep you a secret.

Either because he thrives on drama. Or because he actually, isn't that into you and just doesn't want you to know that (so he can get a leg over. Or perhaos just an ego massage).

Tell your friend. Ì'd bet my ass that if you do though, Mr snoggy will suddenly and inexplicably lose interest.

Pinkbonbon · 25/09/2021 15:04

Also, be aware the 'friend' that likes people his friend likes/has dated. Its common for narcissists to try and 'steal' their friends' love interest. Because they treat that friend as their competitors.

Not saying that's what's going on here. But just be aware that it happens. Keep am eye out for warning signs of npd. Eg: love bombing, 'I've never met anyone like you before', 'all my exs are crazy' ect...

Maybe Google: spotting a narcissist when dating.

Dery · 25/09/2021 15:05

Actually, I think it's really odd and a bit worrying that - on the basis of two dates with Guy 1 and a decision that it wasn't going to go anywhere - you and Guy 2 regard yourselves as unable to date. That's actually acting as if you somehow belong to Guy 1. You don't belong to Guy 1 and you can do what you like. It's also incredibly patronising towards Guy 1. The suggestion that he's somehow emotionally so fragile that he can't stand the thought of someone he went out with twice dating another man - even if it is a mutual friend. In his shoes, I would feel insulted (in fact, I had a similar thing happen and I did feel insulted).

Perhaps you're all very young but it sounds completely crazy to me that you and Guy 2 are resisting what sounds very promising because of some imagined slight to Guy 1.

I could understand it better if you and Guy 1 had been an item for many years and you had ended the relationship and absolutely broken his heart. Even then you would be free to date whoever you like but I can see why it might seem more trouble than it's worth to try something with Guy 2 unless the feelings between you and Guy 2 were overwhelming (and perhaps they are).

But honestly - why are you even imagining it's a problem after 2 dates with Guy 1? I think you and Guy 2 need to recalibrate your thinking. This sounds like a very promising beginning - don't waste it - just crack on!

Dery · 25/09/2021 15:06

PS - in short - it's not at all complicated.

Pinkbonbon · 25/09/2021 15:08

Brilliant point from pp there too. You went on two dates with guy 1. You aren't his frigging property! And it is really patronising of guy 2 if he is suggesting that you keep this a secret.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2021 15:08

I fail to see the problem here. You dated the first guy twice. Two times. Not even remotely a relationship there. You're not in high school, fgs, you don't need his permission.

squee123 · 25/09/2021 15:10

You're overthinking this. You went on two dates and mutually agreed it wasn't going anywhere. Just ask him if it bothers you that much

Jolene93 · 25/09/2021 15:11

It’s both of us deciding to keep it a secret because we both don’t want to lose Guy 1’s friendship/worried about what he’d say

TheGrumpyGoat · 25/09/2021 15:12

This is a little bit insane. You went on 2 dates with the first bloke, it wasn’t even a relationship. Why on earth are there any issues with you dating the second guy? Do you really think bloke 1 is so emotionally fragile that he won’t be able to deal with a friend of his dating another friend of his?
How old are you all?

Jolene93 · 25/09/2021 15:13

@TheGrumpyGoat we’re all in our late 20’s, and it’s not that we think of him as emotionally fragile at all. We just don’t want to lose him as a friend because we don’t think he’ll like it

TheGrumpyGoat · 25/09/2021 15:15

Why wouldn’t he like it? He doesn’t own either of you… you dated twice! Does he see you as his property because you went on 2 dates? 🤯

Jolene93 · 25/09/2021 15:18

@TheGrumpyGoat no not at all but me and guy 2 see it as inappropriate because I liked guy 1 first and now I like him 🙈🤣

Pinkbonbon · 25/09/2021 15:20

If he doesn't like it (or at least have the decency to pretend to) then you'll know he is a shit friend.

That being said, it seems like it's just a but of snogging. Hardly very newsworthy.

But if i were him I'd only be pissed off if I found out down the line you guys were dating and had somehow felt it necessary to keep it secret from me.

Macaroni46 · 25/09/2021 15:20

There really is no issue here. You thought you fancied guy 1 but turns out didn't. Now you like guy 2. Why should that upset guy 1??
Genuinely confused as to why there's a problem!

Pinkbonbon · 25/09/2021 15:23

[quote Jolene93]@TheGrumpyGoat no not at all but me and guy 2 see it as inappropriate because I liked guy 1 first and now I like him 🙈🤣[/quote]
But you didn't like him. You thought you did but then found out you were not compatable.

Sorry op but if you actually just said 'we had two dates and neither of us were feeling it' to guy 2, I'm sure he would be like 'oh is that all? Well its a non issue then!'. Unless he is a complete dick.

TheGrumpyGoat · 25/09/2021 15:23

Honestly I don’t mean to be rude but you sound like teenagers.
Do you see it as a problem, or do you think he will? Someone is making an issue out of nothing here and I can’t tell if it’s you or bloke 2.

Dery · 25/09/2021 15:23

"@TheGrumpyGoat we’re all in our late 20’s, and it’s not that we think of him as emotionally fragile at all. We just don’t want to lose him as a friend because we don’t think he’ll like it"

But you clearly do think of him as emotionally fragile because, really, why on earth wouldn't he like it? It was 2 dates. I'm sure you're fabulous, @MamaOl93 / @Jolene93, but you and Guy 1 both decided you weren't for each other. This is exactly what I meant when I said it's actually insulting to him (and rather arrogant of you) because the implication is - you're so special he won't be able to bear seeing you with someone else and also that he won't be able to find anyone else himself.

Honestly - this is just silly and rather unhealthy - it's like you and Guy 2 are determined to make a drama out of getting together instead of just cracking on. The friend may be looking for excuses to be able to just snog you but not commit to you. And that's fine if it suits you but it doesn't sound like it suits you.

SmileyClare · 25/09/2021 15:27

Firstly, you've only known these friends a couple of months? It's hardly like you were life long friends or in a long term relationship?

I can't help thinking you both like the drama of stolen kisses or something Confused This is like something from the agony aunt section of Jackie.

It's pretty insulting to friend 1 to keep this a secret isn't it? Although that said, nothing much has happened..

willrufford · 25/09/2021 15:58

All adults are you not? Will they not cope with the stress of it all?
So why make it a drama unless you like the dramatic?

user1481840227 · 25/09/2021 16:09

This isn't complicated at all.
Like others I'm surprised at your ages and thought you would be younger.

A huge amount of people end up together in similar circumstances, ending up with people in the same circle of friends...the first guy is not a significant ex so there's no big deal really.

Also what do you mean by Ultimately my friendship with the first guy is more important but does that mean I’m not allowed to date anyone else again?
Do you mean you don't think you can date ANYONE else in case you lose his friendship?

ladygracie · 25/09/2021 16:13

Is the issue that you only met because of guy 1? I can see how that could make it a bit awkward maybe. But you should definitely talk to him about it.

GreyCarpet · 25/09/2021 16:14

I can't see the problem either.

Younwjenton two dates, it wasn't going anywhere but you became good friends. You met one of his friends and there is potential.

Speak to this other an again amd tell him you're going to talk to two date man.

If I were in two date man's shoes, it wouldn't bother me at all and I'd just be pleased for you both.

ManifestingJoy · 25/09/2021 16:16

I think the second guy is using this as an excuse to be honest.

If he really likes you, the fact that you went on two dates with a friend of his wouldn't change anything.

Dozer · 25/09/2021 16:18

Unnecessary drama!