Has any SAHM decided to divorce/leave their husbands?

[JC2021]

Just wanted to know how you managed?

Mine and my DH relationship is going to pot - it's getting worse and I hate the atmosphere living with him is becoming a majorly negative experience. I went from happy positive and bright person to a dull, negative person / he has rubbed off on me over the years. I've lost much social life/ friends and have become a boring hermit much like him.. he is so defensive and barely enjoys spending time with me and DS.

I am seriously considering leaving him and have done for the past 2 years.

I suppose there's no good time to leave when you're a reliant dependent stay at home mother.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

It's very difficult even as a part time working mother, as I am. I'm still living with my husband as i can't afford to leave and he won't. He knows the marriage is over though. If I had a bit of money saved up I could try and rent somewhere, then claim benefits but right now I'm stuck as I don't have any money at all really. He's not on a massive wage but could afford to rent whereas I can't.
Have you told him you want to separate?

You can claim benefits as a single parent whilst both in the same house. You need to live separately - no shared cooking, shopping, laundry, finances.

It would also be expected that you have an engaged a solicitor/filed for a divorce on line or similar.

What about making a staggered plan. For example in 6 months aim to have a job, in a year, some savings, 18m ready to leave? Or maybe staying with family or similar. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Sounds like he makes you miserable! Xxx

I have no savings and no money of my own. He is a high earner.

I do need a plan, absolutely. Right now, my mind is a bit in overdrive on what steps I would need to take. I couldn't pay a lawyer without him knowing as we share a joint account and this is my only money.

Do you claim child benefit? If not do so as it protects your state pension and yes even if he has to pay tax on it.

First step would be to get your own personal bank account, ideally at a different bank. Then drop a bit of money into it over time, eg do you ever take a bit of cash out or get cash back at the supermarket? You could also have child benefit outside into there. That would allow you to build up a fund to pay a lawyer without him knowing.

Also take a look at the £10 a day threads in here to start earning a bit of extra money. What have you done for work in the past and could you take steps to get back into that?

Get some part time work?

Me

Sahm for 7 years

Although I was professionally qualified
So went straight back to work
And got good lawyer and secured a healthy financial settlement

Re the lawyer

My lawyer wrote to his and said that as I was a sahm, my husband would have to put a £5k retainer for my fees

If husband is a high earner OP might not receive child benefit.

I agree with the suggestion to get part time work and put the wages aside into a new separate account.

It's a difficult position to be in and I do empathise.

Of course she would receive child benefit if she’s the primary carer and divorced

I am part time, high earner but under the CB threshold of £50k

My ex is on £172k

I receive CB

@JC2021

I have no savings and no money of my own. He is a high earner.

I do need a plan, absolutely. Right now, my mind is a bit in overdrive on what steps I would need to take. I couldn't pay a lawyer without him knowing as we share a joint account and this is my only money.

Start by opening an account of your own. You can do it online, it might be easier to open an account with the bank you’re already with.

Some solicitors do a free first chat, mine did. Ring around and ask.

Do you have any money of your own that you can access? If not, this is not on. He’s controlling the finances? You can get a free half hour with a solicitor. Go get advice. Find out what your rights are. You’re entitled to more than you probably think you are. How much equity is in the house? How many other savings do you have? You’ll be entitled to 50% share of pension and any assets and maybe more

I have friends who have just divorced. Please don’t rush into part time work before you see a solicitor. This could negatively impact your financial settlement. Get advice before doing anything

My son has literally only just started nursery 3 mornings per week - I was doing administrative work. Ideally I would retrain in something to make an income.

I do have a separate account just nothing in it! Yes he does control the finances and no I wouldn't qualify for child benefit he earns £100k plus more once bonus and pension added in..

We have a joint account (his salary goes into separate one and he puts in a certain amount every month that we pay mortgage and live on)

He has savings, pension, small investments.

We both have lived in our joint family home for just over 2 years.

Realistically I can't get employment just yet as I have no other childcare and my son only attends 3 hour sessions.

So it sounds like speaking with a lawyer is the first step. I'll have to research as I know many are not interested if you don't work/can't pay upfront. I called around once before and they wouldn't entertain the initial chat without a job position/earnings..

You do qualify for Child Benefit he just needs to pay the tax on it. For pension reasons alone you need to claim it also it then becomes your gateway to benefits if you need them.

Is he paying into a private pension scheme whilst you look after the home and DC enabling him to earn £100k?

Get yourself a decent lawyer
Trust me op - you’re going to be fine

Try to keep it civil
Try not to get emotional
Suggest mediation (we saved a fortune)
Do not get a job until divorce is finalised
Seriously
This is very very important

The lawyer will ask you to give some thought as to expenditure. The level of detail is ridiculous! Think about haircut, after school activities when older, clothes, parties etc

No point saving
You both have to declare everything
I’d you think he will hide, start digging when he’s not in

Any lawyer not interested is not the right one

Divorce lawyers will be SO experienced with sahms and the financial difficulties

Like pp said, when you pay by card for shopping etc, get a bit of cashback and put it in your account. You need a bit of a safety net.

@RandomMess is correct, you need to claim CB and he then pays it back as tax. It means you keep your NI contributions too. Set it up ASAP and then you'll benefit before and after divorce.

I didn't realise I was entitled to anything to be honest - wish I had known I've done 3 years full reliance on husband and have (at times) been made to feel like a ponse.

Yes he does contribute to his private work pension and has a decent amount so he tells me.

The only thing I must admit is he has the potential to turn nasty when it comes to all this. He has money to pay someone great for advice, I don't want to be left high and dry but am also realistic. He is very good/clever with money and to be honest I'm not as clued up.

I can apply for the child benefits which I can see is only backdated for 3 months.
But it's a starting point I guess and then privately consult lawyer advice - followed by a divorce.

I feel for my son though and never envisaged this for us at all.

In terms of child benefit - I've just used the calculator and it looks like there would be no point in me claiming as we would have to pay the tax on entire child benefit back, leaving nothing?

I guess it's good for the credits alone.

The point is the CB would be yours in your account.

I didn't ask about his pension, I asked whether he was paying into a private pension for you whilst you were unable to pay into one as you aren't working.

So he isn't which means you absolutely need to claim CB to ensure you have NI contributions in your name.