Different sex drives

[annmarie3]

Does anyone have this problem ? My husband has a lower sex drive than me , I trust him completely he's not cheating or anything he just doesn't want it as often as me and I understand that ; but it gets very upsetting to initiate sex all the time and get shot down , and I don't just want sex for satisfaction it helps me feel close to him so I feel like I'm missing out on some intimacy and when he says he's tired or not in the mood I feel like it's because I'm fat or unattractive. It makes me feel really bad about myself even when he assures me he does find me attractive he's just tired . He does work really long hours & is good to me & my son but I just wish he wanted it more often .

Is there other things you can do to help you feel more connected?

For example, go to bed together and just cuddle (perhaps naked or almost naked, I find skin on skin contact really helpful for intimacy). But with no expectation of sex. Even just 5/10 minutes before going to sleep is lovely and so relaxing that I usually sleep incredibly well afterwards.

Also, can you look at improving how you feel about yourself? I think it's probably not doing your self esteem any good to equate him not wanting sex with how attractive you feel. Why do you not feel attractive? Can you do more things that make you feel that you are? Just for you, not to attract him

@Shurl we do cuddle and he does make me feel loved in loads of other ways it just hits my self esteem to be told no & I do get Sunbeds false eyelashes nails & hair but it doesn't help

Tbh, I don't see the relationship between having a sunbed or false eyelashes and more sex. I mean this kindly, but I think you probably need to work on your self esteem

I too have this problem in our relationship. In my case, I am the man and my other half never initiates intimacy, and hasn't done so in probably around 5 years!! Whenever I raise the issue and explain how I am finding this upsetting, my partner either blames me for not making her feel special or says it's normal for women not to want sex and that none of her friends want sex either. In our case, we have very busy lives, careers, young kids etc so understand intimacy is not always priority number 1, but I can empathize entirely with the negative impact on self-esteem and frustration you're feeling.

There are many ways in which one partner can be satisfied without the other becoming aroused. I want my DW to be satisfied and she wants the same for me. That is how partnership should work, and of course there will be times when one partner has sex to satisfy the other rather than because they need it themselves. Persistent refusal is corrosive and undermining to your DPs self confidence - sex is the glue in a relationship, the lack of it tends to magnify other problems. It's hard to be angry with your DP when you are cuddling up in the afterglow.

I was in your husband’s place about 5 years ago, with someone who wanted more sex then me, and it was difficult as times as she would use the “you don’t fancy me anymore “ lines just because I wasn’t in the mood for intercourse at that moment, I think you find other was to enjoy closeness, not just sex

I don't just want sex for satisfaction it helps me feel close to him so I feel like I'm missing out on some intimacy and when he says he's tired or not in the mood I feel like it's because I'm fat or unattractive

No delicate way to say this, so I'll just come out with it. You need to crack one off on your own occasionally. Take the pressure off him . Have some 'me time ' as Nessa would say on Gavin and Stacey.

sex is the glue in a relationship
Only in happy relationship, or else is becomes the wedge that drives people apart

@JustAnother0ldMan yeah I say things like that to him sometimes , I don't want to make him feel bad but it's always the same like tonight for example we haven't done it in like two weeks I asked he said he was too tired so I tried to take the advise to cuddle instead but he always falls asleep within literally 2 minutes 🤷🏼‍♀️

@cestunestilo I appreciate the advise but I don't think so 🤣 and I try not to put pressure on him I don't even have a high sex drive myself I just think his is really low

@pezpez im sorry that's been going on , I don't know about you but I'm not really comfortable discussing this with anyone irl . So you bottle it up and everything else is great but I think it just eats at you , most times you know before you ask you're going to be shot down . I'm not even like a sexual deviant or anything 🤣 I waited for marriage I don't think I even have a particularly high sex drive if I'm honest . I forgot to mention in the post that were only 22 , I don't know how it's going to go when we're actually old 🤣. I get he's tired when he comes back from work he works very hard to keep the lifestyle we have and is a good dad & husband but I'm sick of it . He will always offer to 'help me out ' but I'm too embarrassed & don't want to . We used to do it every second day but the more weight he puts on the less he wants sex tbh . As far as it goes with women it's always an emotional thing she'll actually be upset about something else , all my friends are like that it's usually because their fella didn't bring out the rubbish or something , a lot of my friends use sex as a currency and I think it's super weird . Just having sex with your own husband just to get him to buy you something is something that you wouldn't believe happens but it does . I also don't see how someone can go 5 years without initiating once , that kind of selfish , I know you shouldn't have sex if you if you don't want to but jeez try something , there's loads of ways to spice things up I know because I've done most of them 🤣 you could go to an adult store together or try something new or just even get back to basics . I'm going to try to actually go on dates again and do things we used to enjoy that makes me regain connection to him without sex so you could try that but if you're like me you're probably sick of trying and putting yourself out there to get the same responses 🥲

Ok, happy to be corrected if I have assumed wrong . As I understand it; you are both early twenties. You have one child, you haven't mentioned your work? So maybe you are full time mum?
You mention he's tired all the time due to working and being a good dad . You also say the fatter he gets the less he wants intimacy.

Then there was the sun beds and false bits ( again an assumption but guessing they cost quite a bit?)

So, as I see it if you cut the spending on stuff that isn't making a difference, ie sunbeds and false stuff, maybe he can cut his hours so he's not so knackered?

Maybe you could take your wee one out in the buggy and do some walking or even start running together ?

Get fitter and spend time as a family .

By getting fitter and firmer ( and it's much easier in your twenties than forties ) you might find it kick starts the sex bit too .

Even if it doesn't, you are both getting back to a healthier way of life, which is much better than just letting yourselves gain weight and lose interest in each other (in my honest opinion).

Unfortunately you can’t really make people want sex more often than they do.
If you are only 22 that’s really really young, as a PP suggests maybe getting him to lose some weight might help get his mojo back.(what kind of work does he do)
The other thing would be try to avoid the “you don’t fancy me any more”, comments that’s just guilt tripping and could start an argument
Good luck

@pezpez
That all sounds pretty rubbish, have you thought about separating, sounds like it’s not working for you
🍻

I do get Sunbeds false eyelashes nails & hair but it doesn't help

Does your husband go for women who have fake eyelashes and who are tanned? I assume he is but maybe he would prefer you as you are naturally?

Still, I don't think that's the main issue here. Is it possible for him to cut down on his hours or even change jobs?

He will always offer to 'help me out ' but I'm too embarrassed & don't want to

So he actually is initiating sexual activity and you are turning him down. Bit of a drip feed

@corblimeygov if was here or not he'd be doing the same work he's worked at the same job since he was 17 and he won't let me work . It's not a question of longer hours it's his and his dads business . I am very active I'm always on the go I actually run myself down and some days forget completely to eat until he comes back and I'm cooking his food . So there's no money trouble or anything so me putting some effort into making myself look better is no problem he can afford it otherwise I wouldn't . Even on holiday he's the same when he doesn't have to work for the first 3 days usually of a holiday he sleeps constantly I've asked him to go to the doctors he won't . He won't go on a diet he breathes very heavily and he's asthmatic & I would be good moral support for him because I try to watch my weight especially after the baby . So you've assumed mostly wrong tbh and I don't think going for a walk is going to sort it out I've tried mostly anything I can think of

@BrendaBubbles what is a drip feed ? Yeah if I ask if he wants to do it he will say I don't want to because I'm tired but I'll help you out if you want & I'm too embarrassed

@EarthSight I don't really know what he's type is he never had another girlfriend I never had another boyfriend first everything that kind of thing for both of us , but when you think it's because you might look rough especially with a young baby you would want to be looking well. & I like looking well myself

You man sounds depressed, trapped at work and not a happy man. Hope you both find happiness.

It sounds very odd that you're too embarrassed to let your partner be involved in what is basically foreplay. And you never know, doing that bit might get him in the mood for full sex.

I’m sorry, he won’t “let” you work?! What the actual fuck? Is he your partner or your owner?

OP, do you only consider penetrative sex to be sex, then? If so, may I ask why? What you refer to as him ‘helping you out’ - that’s all sex. There are any number of sexual acts and PiV isn’t required for sex to have taken place. It might be helpful to reframe your attitudes towards this. Particularly if, as previously stated, your chief aim is to achieve closeness with your partner.

Also, this is your husband and the father of your child. I don’t think you should be embarrassed. What are you embarrassed about, exactly?

Finally, he doesn’t get to ‘not let’ you work. Nobody gets to make that choice for you. If you’re happy being a SAHM, that’s fine. If not, you’re 22 years old and have circa 60 years of life ahead of you that you have the option of filling with lots of things other than husband, child and ‘looking well’.

It sounds very odd that you're too embarrassed to let your partner be involved in what is basically foreplay. And you never know, doing that bit might get him in the mood for full sex.

This. He may have what is called a responsive desire than a spontaneous one. So just getting started will get his engine revving if you will. Once he actually has an erection it is going to take over his normal brain surely.

This has just made me feel worse I was looking for advise or someone going through something similar and all I got was insulted 😂