Different sex drives

[annmarie3]

Does anyone have this problem ? My husband has a lower sex drive than me , I trust him completely he's not cheating or anything he just doesn't want it as often as me and I understand that ; but it gets very upsetting to initiate sex all the time and get shot down , and I don't just want sex for satisfaction it helps me feel close to him so I feel like I'm missing out on some intimacy and when he says he's tired or not in the mood I feel like it's because I'm fat or unattractive. It makes me feel really bad about myself even when he assures me he does find me attractive he's just tired . He does work really long hours & is good to me & my son but I just wish he wanted it more often .

Nobody has insulted you. You been given lots of excellent advice. The fact that you don’t like said advice doesn’t make it insulting.

@Buggritbuggrit because I don't know hot to explain what I mean and as far as it goes for being embarrassed , it's like if someone's not in the mood I don't want to ask them to do something like that for me when they're not feeling up to doing anything like that

I'm just gonna try talking to him again and I've read through your comments thanks for your advise guys

People have addressed the ‘not letting you work’ aspect. We’ve also addressed that an offer of non-penetrative sex is still an offer of sex (and he is up for it, you’re the one refusing, by your account), and asked why that embarrasses you/why you don’t consider that sex.

None of that is insulting. What do you feel you’re having difficulty explaining?

and as far as it goes for being embarrassed , it's like if someone's not in the mood I don't want to ask them to do something like that for me when they're not feeling up to doing anything like that

Actually I do see what you’re getting at more now. It doesn’t feel great to feel like you’re putting someone out or pressuring them. Maybe you could talk and get his more enthusiastic consent to do something very small first with no obligation for it to go all the way but to see if he gets into the mood once things are rolling. Not the easiest conversation to have but if you can at least find out if he’s “game” to experiment, it will really open some doors.

@BrendaBubbles

It sounds very odd that you're too embarrassed to let your partner be involved in what is basically foreplay. And you never know, doing that bit might get him in the mood for full sex.

This. He may have what is called a responsive desire than a spontaneous one. So just getting started will get his engine revving if you will. Once he actually has an erection it is going to take over his normal brain surely.

I think this is an excellent post, If you can get over the embarrassment of him “helping you out “, you might find a genuine improvement in your sex life

@Buggritbuggrit he doesn't want to me work is what I meant I've even offered to do some stuff from home which I wouldn't mind doing and he just thinks I don't have to and you can always be doing with extra money so idk why not & with the helping me out situation I've tried it a few times it's awkward and I can't have that good of a time because I'm under pressure to get it done quickly & the 2 or 3 times it's let to something more I feel like I've tricked him into doing it

[quote annmarie3]@Buggritbuggrit he doesn't want to me work is what I meant I've even offered to do some stuff from home which I wouldn't mind doing and he just thinks I don't have to and you can always be doing with extra money so idk why not & with the helping me out situation I've tried it a few times it's awkward and I can't have that good of a time because I'm under pressure to get it done quickly & the 2 or 3 times it's let to something more I feel like I've tricked him into doing it [/quote]
I don’t want to sound mean here, but it less about the actual physical act of intercourse and more to do with you wanting your partner to actually want you and him initiate sex rather than you having to “ask”, in a roundabout manner

the 2 or 3 times it's let to something more I feel like I've tricked him into doing it

I understood what you meant. I get that he doesn’t want you to work. My point (and everyone else’s) point is that it’s not his decision. He doesn’t get to decide that for you. Do YOU want to work? If so, do so. You’re an individual adult with agency. He doesn’t have the authority to ‘not let’ you.

As to the sex point, I’m not sure I have much left to say. I’m sorry.