Please some advice thank you xx

[Halloweenlover02]

I’ll try to keep this short. I’m new here & this is my first post.. I’ve seen some great advice on topics similar to mine on Mumsnet so I’m hoping I’ll get some too.

Been with my partner ten years, we’ve got two lovely kids.. but cut a long story short, my boyfriends family have disliked me from the get go simply because they think I took him away.. my boyfriend who is my children’s dad I should add, has never ever once defended me he’s simply allowed them to slag me off for ten solid years. I’ve had to defend myself, this is gonna sound pathetic and I blame myself but not once in the ten years has he taken me on a date, not even to the pictures, I am not materialistic but a little cheap date would’ve been lovely. Not that I haven’t suggested in the past. Believe me I have. His words are “where’s the rulebook that says men should take their girls out?”.. that’s been his attitude for ten solid years..

I am the only one who drives so I take the kids too and from school, swimming lessons, gymnastics etc etc, he doesn’t work has zero motivation to find a job, in fact he’s barely showering nowadays. Just sits on his PS4 we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for nine months now.

I’ve rang the council unbeknownst to him to move away with my kids, now this is where it gets messy, he would genuinely kill me before he’d let me leave. I’d have to ring the police and I don’t want that around my kids, they are truly my life and soul, I’ve kept it sweet between us for them but I know in my heart I’ve gotta go, I’ve just got to leave with my kids. I won’t be stopping him seeing them I’m not that type of person. Can someone give me advice on if I’m doing the right thing leaving him without him knowing? And what are my rights?

Like I said I don’t want to take his kids away, I want him to have contact, but he’s vile with me not them, I can only imagine the scenes he’d cause if I rang the police to remove him. I’m only 30 and I just wanna be happy alone. I feel like an old woman. I see my friends in amazing relationships and I think, what did I do wrong? Is it me? He asked me to have an open relationship, but only I do that, not him. Safe to say that was when I knew I needed out. Obviously I said no and absolutely flipped my lid. There’s just no respect from him.

So sorry I said I’d make this short and I never but there’s so much I needed to add. I’d like to thank you for reading and I’m not perfect either but I’m a saint compared to him might I say.. thanks so much. Any advice would help please xxx

Can someone have the children while you remove your stuff?

And how did you get on with the council?

If they couldn't offer you something immediately are there any family members you could stay with.

What a vile specimen.

@Closetbeanmuncher my sister could but she lives two mins from me and I know that’s the first place he’d go.. not before he probably hurt me that is, I plan to leave one day when/if he’s out so I’m just hoping someone could give some advice on that, how I could do it all in one day or at least most of it in one day when I get a new place

Would he notice if you started packing some things and storing them somewhere? Is there a way you could get things out the house without him knowing?

It sounds like the safest option is to just not go home one day.

Sounds awful OP.

If you are able to find somewhere else, you could go to the new place and gradually get it ready until it’s ready for you to move. Gradually take bits over that are essential. Clothes etc.

Pick the kids up from school and don’t go back.

Please make sure you have someone with you initially though, or ask the Police to put a marker on your new address.

I would start packing stuff gradually and squirreling it away at your sister's. If he asks what your doing say your having a clear out.

Be very careful that he doesn't get wind of your leaving until you're ready to roll. Take all your important documents first.

@Closetbeanmuncher the council are great they’ve said send all
The details and I’ll go on the list, they are usually good with me as my son has a long terminal illness (won’t get into that) so I’ve asked to move closer to the hospital where it’s easier for me to drive too when needed..

There is but that’s means dragging the kids different places and he’d come looking for me there. I want to make a clean break I haven’t even told my family I just wanna do it without anyone who knows me, knowing if that makes sense x

It does definitely but it will be really tough logistically without telling anyone.

I'm sorry to hear about your son x

Thanks everyone for your advice. My sister said the exact same thing, just pretend you’re having a clear out. I think I may just do that from Monday whilst I have time when the kids are in school. Documents are first definitely, I appreciate everyone’s advice I really do x

Once you have a property you can start planning. You can go to it while your kids are in school and get it as ready as you can.

I guess the only other way is to put stuff in storage. Are you not planning to go until the house is ready then?

@Shellfishblastard yes definitely. I’m hoping I get one soon, he usually goes to golf twice a month from 8am till at least 5/6pm so I’ll plan the complete move around that. Anything that’s left will just have too be left unfortunately. I’ll move all the necessary things. X

Please speak to Women’s Aid for advice. It sounds like you’re in a very risky situation. Your safety (and your children’s) is a million times more important than any possessions. If you need to leave without your things and never go back, just do it. Clothes etc can be replaced, you can’t.

I don't have any advice but you are doing 100% the right thing. Your life will be so much better away from someone that is dragging you down. You can and will do this. What an inspiration. Good luck xx

@Closetbeanmuncher yeah I’ll have to wait because I don’t want to lumber my sister. I tried to leave him a few years ago and oh my god he hounded my sisters until I stupidly went back and ended up pregnant with my daughter. Of course she’s the only good thing from going back to him. So looks that way. Thanks for your advice xx

@Littleduck83 yeah that’s been a thought to be honest but I think am I wasting their time because he’s never physically hurt me, but mentally he’s the classic gas lighter and he’s never ever raised a hand to our kids xx

@IveNameChangedAgain2020 thank you so much. Honestly I needed to hear that. I’ve been doubting myself for ages but it’s gotta be done. Thank you xxxxx

Do you drive as you could book a van for the day and get it all sorted before he comes home. It will be a push time wise if stuff isn't already packed.

Make a list (locked on your phone) of priority items.

@Closetbeanmuncher yeah I drive. My sister said, her a van and when the kids are in school her and her boyfriend will help me move. She’s the only one I’ve told because she’s the only one I trust in my family. All the others are convinced the sun shines from his a.rse because I’ve covered his mental abuse so well. X

This was me 27 years ago
I left with 2 children , a very pregnant belly and a carrier bag
I had absolutely nothing but my children and my dignity
It was worth it
You can do this too

@notlongtillxmas how did you come out the other end? I feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel at the moment? So mentally and emotionally drained. I’m so glad you and your kids made it out though xx

I just want to say that you won't be wasting Women's Aid time, emotional abuse is still abuse, it doesn't matter if he hasn't hit you yet. They'll still listen and be able to support. Sending you so much support, you're doing the right thing.

You aren’t wasting women’s aid time please please call them for advice

I've had a great life with my children
We had very little money and I relied on benefit top ups till kids went to school
I was lonely , never dated , very cheap days out , holidays , bought clothes in charity shops
But ...
We laughed , we played , we drew , we swam danced cycled .. in peace ! With no bad atmosphere in the home , they never saw me in tears again, as hours increase and job opportunities improve , all got easier and better
Now I am mortgage free
They are educated - happy - in good relationships
We are close
And we never ever saw him again , perfect

Hi OP, please contact your local women's aid or domestic abuse organisation. Speak to someone there about your worries & plans, Perhaps they will help you. If you are concerned about him hurting you then the police may need to be involved.
Be prepared that it will be complex for a while as you settle into your new life- get as much help as you can to ease your journey. If he is a genuine risk then the children may not be able to see him unsupervised in future.
Your son will be known to the childrens' disability team- even if he doesn't have a named social worker. Get them on board for support too & advise the schools re: who is & isn't allowed to collect kids & for their emotional support. Good luck

I think you need professional help with this.

Women’s Aid
Police
Council
A solicitor for a non-molestation order

I’d consider moving into a women’s refuge a good distance away until you get organised and the legal protection you need.