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Original poster

Do I change my life?!

28 replies

Wilkie1983 · 24/09/2021 09:37

I’ll try and keep this as short and to the point as possible!

2 x DCs now both at uni, single parent (divorced) in a relationship for almost 2 years with someone who lives around 40 miles away. Healthy, happy relationship, committed, he has 2 x primary age DC and a career which keeps him local.
These are my thoughts right now….I’m effectively free of responsibility, I have a job that can transfer round the country although looking for something else more involved which will pay better and really test my mind, no commitments to the area where I live, no discussions about me moving in with my partner (should there be after almost 2 years?) I’m thinking off relocating to a completely new place….really upping sticks and changing everything. I know my DC would support this, I have no idea how my partner would feel or whether the relationship would continue (briefly mentioned moving further down south once and he was supportive?! 🤯) I think what I’m asking is you would make the move?! Would you turn everything on its head for a brand new start?! God knows I deserve a new beginning!

OP posts:
altmember · 24/09/2021 09:43

If you mean relocating to somewhere further away from your partner than you currently are, then it's hardly a positive sign for the relationship.

Marineboy67 · 24/09/2021 09:46

One life make the most of every day!

girlmom21 · 24/09/2021 09:48

It sounds to me like the new beginning is really important to you so go for it. Your partner either supports you or he doesn't but he won't be able to move away any time soon.

Bookaholic73 · 24/09/2021 09:48

Absolutely yes! Life is too short to stay in 1 place for a partner who has no inclination to move in together.
Plus, his kids are younger & more of a tie for him.

Go, love, experience more of life!

Bookaholic73 · 24/09/2021 09:48

Move, not love. But actually, love too!

userrname · 24/09/2021 09:52

It sounds like you’re ready to put yourself first. Do it!

Original poster
Wilkie1983 · 24/09/2021 09:54

A new beginning is massively important for me, if I’m being completely honest a new beginning would ideally involve my partner and that whole situation…I’m afraid to fully bring this up as petrified of him saying it’s not what he wants. I’m also aware that my new found freedom is only weeks old and I need to settle into it for a month or two to really feel what I want. I think if I decide to go for it and really start again without any resistance from him then the relationship could not be sustained?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wilkie1983 · 24/09/2021 09:56

Ps….really appreciate you all taking time to respond….MN really is fab for getting all that is whirling around in your head out! 😘

OP posts:
samwitwicky · 24/09/2021 10:01

@Wilkie1983

A new beginning is massively important for me, if I’m being completely honest a new beginning would ideally involve my partner and that whole situation…I’m afraid to fully bring this up as petrified of him saying it’s not what he wants. I’m also aware that my new found freedom is only weeks old and I need to settle into it for a month or two to really feel what I want. I think if I decide to go for it and really start again without any resistance from him then the relationship could not be sustained?

You sound like you are being sensible. You know that to make a decision you need to take some real time to consider everything that is involved.

If your partner decides that your relationship wouldn't be sustainable if you moved away, how would you feel? Would you still want to move?

Original poster
Wilkie1983 · 24/09/2021 10:21

I think if he decided it wasn’t sustainable or didn’t consider the option of us living together that would make me even more inclined to move away as honestly, I’d be devastated. The crux is that I want to build a new beginning with him, I think (again not confirmed as no conversation 🙄) that he is waiting to see where my job search goes and he is also I line for a promotion so waiting to see the outcome of that. What concerns me is that I am applying for jobs within my local area as well as around the country…he has never said ‘would that not tie you to your city for XYZ?’
I think I need to bite the bullet and say, this is what I am thinking, do you feel like we are going in the direction of living together because if you cannot see if in the next year or so I am going to have to start thinking solely about me?

OP posts:
escapisum101 · 24/09/2021 10:27

Obviously his first priority will be his 2 young children which will ultimately guide his decision on things.

Have you met/had a relationship with his children OP?

Original poster
Wilkie1983 · 24/09/2021 10:33

Oh yes we’ve both been around each other’s children for the past 5-6 months. Fantastic relationships all round leading to spending birthdays etc with each other. Families and friends involved, it really is an inclusive and committed relationship…just both skirting around the BIG questions 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
WhatTodoALL · 24/09/2021 10:40

You can move of course but he will stay with his kids. I can't imagine my current partner telling me to move with him 100 miles from my children.
I was on the other side of this conversation. My boyfriend wanted to move far from me and visit me once every 2 weeks for 3 days and continue the relationship (it was loooong time ago). I said that it will mean the end of us as I am not up for a long-distance relationship.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 24/09/2021 10:46

Are you sure it's the right thing for your DC? My parents moved location while I was at uni and frankly I was devastated, and felt so lost when uni ended. To be honest it led to some bad decisions on my part.

Maskless · 24/09/2021 10:57

It's impossible to advise you without understanding why you want to move even further away from your fellah.

It is because you want to live in a specific town, and unfortunately it's further way from him?

It is because you want to see less of him, or dump him?

girlmom21 · 24/09/2021 11:10

@Maskless

It's impossible to advise you without understanding why you want to move even further away from your fellah.

It is because you want to live in a specific town, and unfortunately it's further way from him?

It is because you want to see less of him, or dump him?

She explains everything in her OP and subsequent updates. She answers every single one of your questions. There are 16 posts on this thread including yours. It wouldn't be hard to read it.
LadyJaye · 24/09/2021 11:39

If your work is flexible with regard to location (I assume 'have laptop, can work'), can you travel for a few months? It may either relieve your itchy feet a wee bit (at least temporarily, or give you a whole new perspective and allow to refocus.

Pegsonstrings · 24/09/2021 12:48

Yes do it. Life is so short so live it

QuentinBunbury · 24/09/2021 12:51

I think you need to put cards on table with DP and see where you stand before you can properly decide

SoloISland · 24/09/2021 12:54

Wait a while to let it all settle? This is too important to rush into.

CousinKrispy · 24/09/2021 12:57

You sound like you're proceeding sensibly. Relationships are important, but so are other aspects of your life, and you're not a bad person to take advantage of your freedom in this way. You're presumably not suggesting that you go work on the other side of the world!

Maybe see how the job hunt proceeds. Good luck!

Frostine · 24/09/2021 13:00

Ask yourself these questions :
When I wake up in the mornings ( day off / weekends ) have I got it in myself to go out and entertain myself and enjoy my own company.
Am I a joiner in / happy to make the first move into finding friendship ?
Am I running away from something ? ( depression, unresolved issues etc ) They follow you wherever you go.
Am I thinking / doing this to push my partner into action ? ( Committing / moving in / marriage )

Annasgirl · 24/09/2021 13:06

OP, I know you say you are getting along fabulously with his DC, and that is wonderful. But you are at a completely different life stage and you are just getting ‘you’ back after years as a single mum. There is a huge opportunity for you. Do you really want to give that up to move in with a man and become a step mum to 2 primary school DC?

I’m just putting it out there, women usually become the default carers in these situations, to the detriment of their own lives. I certainly don’t think I would do it (I’m way at the other end of this with 2 teens and one primary age, so I don’t know that I can advise but a new start sounds amazing).

Good luck.

HarrisonStickle · 24/09/2021 13:11

I would be cautious about the relationship if this were me. If he gets a local job which is a good career move where would that leave you?

My inclination would be to think about and do what I want first if I were now in the position of being commitment free.

Work out what you want, talk to him about it. If it's not what he wants then I'd advise you to carry on with what you want, otherwise you'll end up resentful.

ScumbagDave · 24/09/2021 13:17

Being live in step mum to primary aged children is not a decision to be taken lightly at all. Would I do it? Personally, no! And definitely not if your dp is a bit lukewarm about it.

Move where you want. Make the career move that benefits you and enjoy your life. Do you really want to be live in step mum to primary age kids? Do you know their mum? You might end up having to deal with a potentially nasty ex! Have a look at the stepparenting boards on here