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Original poster

Is this a bit weird - DH behaviour

42 replies

fortysomethingandtired · 23/09/2021 22:59

Long story short - a long time friend of my eldest daughter is changing her surname by deedpoll. It's for professional reasons - I thought it a bit odd as her original name is 100% fine. Her family are completely okay with this. She is early 20's. My husband as taken huge umbrage at this - how awful it is, how if our eldest daughter did this he would expect me to "back him up". This was a month or so ago. Tonight for absolutely no reason out if the blue he starts going on about it again. Asking if he thinks our daughter will do this ( I can think of no reason this even a minute possibility - it is in his head). Again how he would expect me to back him up (not sure what this would mean - being angry? Disowning her?). I said I would find it very strange but ultimately as an adult it really wouldn't be my business. He has got in such a huff about this imaginary situation he is sleeping downstairs!! They haven't always had the easiest relationship but this is ridiculous! He can be a bit controlling at times and over the last few years a real sexist attitude as been shown ( he did not have it when he was younger but is turning into his dad). I find his behaviour about this really weird - not sure what to do or say to him.....

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/09/2021 23:17

What the hell has it got to do with him what this girl does with her name?

waybill · 23/09/2021 23:43

Ask him whether he thinks women should change their surname on marriage.

PersonaNonGarter · 23/09/2021 23:45

He’s going through some personal control issues. Obviously, he is being a dick and this adult woman is free to do what she wants.

What’s really going on is that he wants your reassurance that you will do what he wants and that you will help him coerce other women into doing what he wants.

BlueberrySugar · 23/09/2021 23:45

What a weirdo.

Why is he so bothered. Sexist pig.

noirchatsdeux · 23/09/2021 23:52

I remember my mother having a right go at me when I got engaged to my first husband, saying my father was 'very upset' that then fiance 'hadn't asked him for permission'...

I told her in no uncertain terms that it was not 1887 but 1987, I was over 18, not my father's property, and they only person who had to give 'permission' was me...

Ugh. Your daughter could decide to change her name to Fanny Sexbomb Marmalade Hot Cross Bun the 4th by deed poll and it would be NONE of your husband's business.

Hate these sexist pigs.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2021 23:55

Your husband is pathetic. Ick.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 24/09/2021 00:07

Ffs. His family name and therefore legacy (presumably this is what is at the root of it) is in imaginary jeopardy and now everyone must suffer while he has a hissy fit about it. I would lose all respect for him.

ImInStealthMode · 24/09/2021 00:16

It sounds enormously weird and controlling. Is he having difficulty with his daughter(s) growing up and being independent adults? It sounds like it needs addressing before they get to the stage of really leaving the nest.

QueenBee52 · 24/09/2021 00:18

Is your husband stuck in the 1800's 🤔

Justilou1 · 24/09/2021 00:20

I think you need to have a chat to your daughter about the issues with her Dad. Find out EXACTLY what’s been going on. His control/sexist behaviours are not okay and you don’t need to tolerate it for the sake of keeping the peace. You’re setting a bad example in doing so. He needs to get help or get out.

QueenBee52 · 24/09/2021 00:32

@Justilou1

I think you need to have a chat to your daughter about the issues with her Dad. Find out EXACTLY what’s been going on. His control/sexist behaviours are not okay and you don’t need to tolerate it for the sake of keeping the peace. You’re setting a bad example in doing so. He needs to get help or get out.

yes... it's pretty strange

Susannahmoody · 24/09/2021 00:33

Bit of an overreaction really from him

Pinkbonbon · 24/09/2021 00:48

Sounds like he was just looking for a reason to create an argument with you.

You say he has been controlling in the past as if its a fly away thing. And sexist too?! If you actually recognise that behaviour in someone, fucking run!

What are you hanging about with a nutter for?
Bolt for the hills!

Droite · 24/09/2021 01:18

If you changed to his name on getting married, tell him that, now that you've realised he has such strong views about women changing their names from their father's names, you're reverting back to your birth surname.

violetbunny · 24/09/2021 01:48

This is a huge red flag but sounds like it's the top of the iceberg for a bigger issue.
When you say he can be a bit controlling at times, what are some examples of this?

FiveGs · 24/09/2021 04:23

How strange.

AtticusHoysAnus · 24/09/2021 06:54

Totally bizarre.

Getting upset about the outcome of a hypothetical situation is a bit mental isn't it.

LizzieMacQueen · 24/09/2021 07:11

Agreed, sounds like he's focussing his energy/anger on this but there's something else going on.

Bit of a cliche but mid-life crisis ? Has he been looking at sports cars recently?

coffy11 · 24/09/2021 07:16

He think he owns her and if she changes her name she is no longer her property. Says a lot about him really.

Cyberworrier · 24/09/2021 07:25

I'd try to be interested rather than angry or worried- and try to find out why it the idea upsets him so much. Is he usually so apparently irrational and quick to get angry? Has your daughter recently moved away, could it be about that? I know your daughter may not change her name if she gets married, most of my friends haven't, but did you ask your husband if he would react this way then?
I know an actor who had to change her name as she had almost the same name as a much better known one, it would be professionally awkward. Would your husband understand rational reasons like that?

PersonaNonGarter · 24/09/2021 07:37

Why does DH need to understand though? He needs to learn the limits of his control, not be pacified and pandered to with reasons.

Cyberworrier · 24/09/2021 07:50

If my partner acted irrationally like this, I would want to understand where they were coming from and try to figure out what is going on. If the partner has a history of being controlling and this is part of that pattern, evidently that's a very different situation.

TwooThirty · 24/09/2021 08:30

This is so odd.

Kintsugi16 · 24/09/2021 08:35

@Cyberworrier

If my partner acted irrationally like this, I would want to understand where they were coming from and try to figure out what is going on. If the partner has a history of being controlling and this is part of that pattern, evidently that's a very different situation.
Completely agree.

Talk to him and try to understand.

TrueRefuge · 24/09/2021 08:45

My relationship with my dad (also prone to control, unreasonable expectations and rage) got worse as I got older and - gasp - developed a sense of self.

This is not a good sign from a personality perspective.

However, you know your husband and the fact he's brought it up so randomly and is so incensed he's sleeping on the sofa is very disconcerting. Could he be having a breakdown of some sort? Does this need medical attention? I'd be sitting him down and saying I've no idea where this has come from, nor the level of ire, and you're concerned for his welfare.

Either that, or as PPs have succinctly put it, he's a sexist pig.