Is this a bit weird - DH behaviour

[fortysomethingandtired]

Long story short - a long time friend of my eldest daughter is changing her surname by deedpoll. It's for professional reasons - I thought it a bit odd as her original name is 100% fine. Her family are completely okay with this. She is early 20's. My husband as taken huge umbrage at this - how awful it is, how if our eldest daughter did this he would expect me to "back him up". This was a month or so ago. Tonight for absolutely no reason out if the blue he starts going on about it again. Asking if he thinks our daughter will do this ( I can think of no reason this even a minute possibility - it is in his head). Again how he would expect me to back him up (not sure what this would mean - being angry? Disowning her?). I said I would find it very strange but ultimately as an adult it really wouldn't be my business. He has got in such a huff about this imaginary situation he is sleeping downstairs!! They haven't always had the easiest relationship but this is ridiculous! He can be a bit controlling at times and over the last few years a real sexist attitude as been shown ( he did not have it when he was younger but is turning into his dad). I find his behaviour about this really weird - not sure what to do or say to him.....

Did he expect you to change your surname when you got married?

Very odd. If it were put of character, then I would want to have a chat and understand his upset, but in all honesty it sounds Luka manifestation of existing issues. He needs to get the fuck over himself and up to speed with the times.

He's sleeping in another room, on the basis that:

You didn't agree that you would "back him" up if the occasion ever arose that your adult daughter wanted to change her own surname, when the reality is, your adult daughter has never mentioned the desire to change her surname.

Does he often sleep in a different room if you have different opinions on imaginary scenarios??

WFT so your dh is sulking and sleeping in the spare room over something your dd HASN'T done!

He is not only being ridiculous but its not even based in any logic. I mean I currently hold my Exdh last name as it was better for DC during the divorce process in terms of not having too much change and Exdh is absolutely fine with it. DP and I are likely to get married next year so I will take his name (actually that's also for professional reasons ) . I mean most women through their life have several names and having considered just sticking with my maiden name both times getting married I was no more enamoured to hold my fathers name than my husbands.

I haven't used my "fathers" name for 15 years , it hasn't apparently caused my father to lose any status or manliness. Apparently our blood line continues so it doesn't in fact seem to have decimated anything. Frankly I am a Welsh family who married an Englishman so if anyone is going to winge about name changes it would have been my father.

I'm more impressed the friend is changing it away from the fathers surname. Wish I'd thought if that in my early twenties.

This is an extension/ escalation of his controlling personality. Ignore the rants but you do need to ask yourself if the person he is now, the person you’d want to be with in 5, 10 ….. years.

Does he think that women should take their husband's surname upon marriage?

Is it just a clash of his misogynistic beliefs then? - thinking women need to take the husbands surname but realising that this also means his DD would be by that rationale, taking her husbands name and retiring her Dad's surname.

He's being a bit of a twat tbh. Let him wallow in the spare room and invite him to fuck off entirely if he doesn't cop on.

Is the real issue how he would expect me to back him up - that he doesn't like you implicitly criticising his view by disagreeing with him?

You should take his concerns seriously even if they seem stupid to you. He has a right to feel hurt at the thought of it, and you and your daughter have a right to think it’s fine. All of you are valid in your opinions.

What is worse for him though is that A) he feels hurt by the thought of it happening to him and B) he feels he is being attacked for feeling this way.

Try to understand and validate his feelings of hurt, whilst also gently being clear that young women have a right to make this decision.

@noirchatsdeux

I remember my mother having a right go at me when I got engaged to my first husband, saying my father was 'very upset' that then fiance 'hadn't asked him for permission'...

I told her in no uncertain terms that it was not 1887 but 1987, I was over 18, not my father's property, and they only person who had to give 'permission' was me...

Ugh. Your daughter could decide to change her name to Fanny Sexbomb Marmalade Hot Cross Bun the 4th by deed poll and it would be NONE of your husband's business.

Hate these sexist pigs.

@noirchatsdeux Fanny Sexbomb Marmalade Hot Cross Bun is definitely going to be my new alter ego!!!

Talk to him and find out why it irritates him so much.

It is very odd though.

@ArranMumma

You should take his concerns seriously even if they seem stupid to you. He has a right to feel hurt at the thought of it, and you and your daughter have a right to think it’s fine. All of you are valid in your opinions.

What is worse for him though is that A) he feels hurt by the thought of it happening to him and B) he feels he is being attacked for feeling this way.

Try to understand and validate his feelings of hurt, whilst also gently being clear that young women have a right to make this decision.

Ah the poor diddums. Must be so hurtful not to be able to control all the women in his life, not even in his imagination.

Just ignore him and enjoy sleeping in the bed on your own.

He is making a problem where there is none. He has created a whole scenario in his head that has not happened and ended up working himself up for no reason.

Let him throw his tantrum and you sleep in the middle of the bed.

This>>>>>>

"If you changed to his name on getting married, tell him that, now that you've realised he has such strong views about women changing their names from their father's names, you're reverting back to your birth surname"

@ArranMumma

You should take his concerns seriously even if they seem stupid to you. He has a right to feel hurt at the thought of it, and you and your daughter have a right to think it’s fine. All of you are valid in your opinions.

What is worse for him though is that A) he feels hurt by the thought of it happening to him and B) he feels he is being attacked for feeling this way.

Try to understand and validate his feelings of hurt, whilst also gently being clear that young women have a right to make this decision.

This is a situation unrelated to both his wife and daughter, and he's worked himself up to the point that he's sleeping downstairs. He's acting like an absolute prick. He doesn't need either his wife or his daughter pandering to his ridiculous behaviour and reinforcing the idea thats he's right to behave like this over a hypothetical issue that's unlikely to ever happen.

Totally weird and over the top 'reaction' to the news that his daughters friend is changing her surname !

What the hell is he trying to achieve by saying that you'd 'better have his back' if his child ever 'decides' to do the same ?

I'd be telling him straight that your children are no longer 'children', and whatever they choose to do or not do as adults is up to them, not him !

What a weird little man you married.