Confronted dad on neglect that led to abuse

[idiotmagnet]

I’ll try to keep it short, but as with any longstanding toxic family situation, it’s a long story and a bit involved.
I’m in my 40s and have always had a difficult relationship with my dad. My parents haven’t had a happy marriage, there has always been tension, infidelity and coercive control. I’m an only child and my dad always prided himself on not letting fatherhood change his life in any way. Consequently i got very little love, attention or affection from him, and as he ruled the roost i feel i was neglected in the sense that i wasn’t encouraged to pursue my own interests if it involved lifts or any practical support etc, and as I entered my teen years i was left completely to my own devices, which meant that some pretty horrible things happened to me from early teens onwards.
When i had just turned 16 a 40 yr old man in a position of authority regularly abused me and my parents both knew. Nothing was ever said, and because of that i went along with it and also craved the attention that it brought. That period of my life has had a huge impact on me and meant that I became somehow recognisable to other predators and i was abused again by my boss at a restaurant job when i was 17, because my dad wouldn’t come to collect me so i had to rely on the boss to get me home. I was also abused by a teacher. I was off the rails and frequently awol and all my parents did was shame me and tell me off. There was never any attempt to find out what was really happening, although i did try to hint.
My mental health has been awful on and off but i have sought help each time and am on meds for panic attacks etc. My parents know about my poor mental health but it has never been mentioned. I have brought up my two children alone (I have had a tendency to seek out dysfunctional relationships with men), and the kids are great and seem free of much of the effects of the toxicity, although they certainly notice it and need to talk it through.
My dad has bullied all of us in different ways, and we are all on eggshells around him.
Anyway, he and i had a falling out over text earlier today because he’d been mean to one of my kids. I ended up spilling out how i felt about the neglect and how i was abused on his watch and he said he didn’t know what i was talking about despite me knowing full well he knows because we have discussed it very briefly in the past, and he would answer the door to this man when he picked me up.
I have been suffering especially bad mental health and nightmares since my daughter reached the age i was when it happened, and it feels like a daily torture. I think about it every day and feel so angry that it was allowed to happen.
My dad hasn’t responded to my last text about the abuse. He’s just ignored it. I feel so lost. How can a parent receive a text from their child about sexual abuse and just not say anything???

you need to cut off from him for your mental wellbeing.

I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you.

Your dad is a gutless abusive bully . He's ignored your text because you called him out on his behaviour, and he knows you're right.

deathbollywood is right. Cut him off from you and your children

@deathbollywood

you need to cut off from him for your mental wellbeing.

I have thought of this for a while and have reduced contact to the bare minimum. Tbh it would greatly improve my mental health to reduce it further, but it would break my mum's heart because she won't do anything separately from him and he controls her. When she comes to my house she is on edge and keeps checking the time, and he will call to see where she is. Cutting him off would be a massive step. But whenever i'm in the same room as him i feel uncomfortable and threatened and on edge. I can't explain it because he's an old man now. But he still has such a hold over us all. I suppose I thought that spilling it on text would elicit at least half an apology. And now I feel stupid.

He has shown you how unimportant you are to him @idiotmagnet. Again.

@HisSplendidSilentSun

I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you.

Your dad is a gutless abusive bully . He's ignored your text because you called him out on his behaviour, and he knows you're right.

deathbollywood is right. Cut him off from you and your children

It's easier to reduce contact now as my kids are older. I used to rely on them for some childcare outside crèche/school hours but used to pay them to do it so it's not like I took them for granted. My mum was pretty good with them but he would yell at them and then my mum would cry. This is what the kids have told me years later. If I confront him about anything he either denies it or says he doesn't remember or that I purposely view everything in the worst possible way. When i tried to bring up the abuse years and years ago he just said that i was 16 at the time, so that was that. At that time of that confrontation i was much younger and thought he must be right, that i was 16 so why was I making a fuss. But then my dd got to 16 and it broke me.

Treat him with the contempt with which he treats you. Don't ever contact him again. If he phones your mother whilst she's at yours, just laugh out loud at how pathetic he is so that he can hear you. Start enjoying the time with your mum. Offer her to live with you if you can. Ban him from your house and from contacting you and your children. He has a psychological hold over you but that can be broken. See him for the pathetic creature that he is. Hold him in contempt, not fear. Your fear is a gift to him. Do not feed it to him any longer. Your best revenge is to enjoy your life, your children, your mum...and to just ignore the little shit.

I accesssed trauma counselling and ut changed my perspective so much. I was like you in wanting a response or acknowledgement from my dad. And constantly asking myself why.

Yet he was never going to give it or able to be the dad I needed. We are now low contact and he doesnt understand and will slag me off to anyone. But I know.

Im so sorry about your past. It's al so so wrong. As my daughter goes thdu each age I was I am getging3flashbacks, especially as I realize how young she is and how I would protect her (my dad same abojt lifts and childrdn not changing his life.) You have done so well with your children. I hope so much for better things for you xx

Psychological hold is such an appropiate term. I wss still trying yo run decisions by my dad and all sorts and now I have no idea why. But for some reason even into my 30s he had a hold on me. I couldn't see it, just wanted a scrap of affection.

What happened to you was not your fault in any way, this is all in the adults who abused your trust and let you down abjectly. I would also include your mother as a further person who let you down as a child along with your own children who also got shouted at by her brute of a husband. Your dad has not changed either since that time.

Your mother knew about you being abused too and she is still with her abuser of a husband. She has continued to put their relationship first, certainly above you, and she has also thrown you under the bus. She on some level still gets what she wants out
She may further choose to never leave him out of fear of the unknown, money or a combination of other reasons known to her. Do you know anything about her own childhood, that often gives clues.

NAPAC are also well worth contacting here. Abuse thrives on secrecy too, keep rebuilding your life without them in it.

Was your dm really any better?
Sorry op but YOU need to come first...
Go lc if you can't dump the pair of them.

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Was your dm really any better? Sorry op but YOU need to come first... Go lc if you can't dump the pair of them.

A few of you have questioned my mother in all of this and it's something I've thought a lot about. I think I probably view her as less to blame because she's always been bullied by my dad too, but then again there is a lot of enabling and co-dependence stuff going on. She is very timid and unconfident, and just wants to pretend everything is ok all the time. Neither of them know how to be parents and neither can give me what I need, but my mum at least tries and does stuff for me in the only way she knows how. She is happy to help out with the kids etc whereas my dad resents it. I suppose I see her as a victim too. Someone suggested I have her live with me - I offered her this years and years ago. I have been frustrated my whole life as to why she stays, but have had to accept now that it's her choice and that I can't be responsible for her choices. She is isolated and has few friends. It's very sad.

It is sad about your mum, and not something you can change. But she didn’t protect you from your horrible excuse of a father.

He won’t change. Can I ask, what are you hoping for from him? Some kind of acknowledgment of how neglectful and inadequate he was? You have confronted him with the results of that, but I doubt you will ever receive any kind of closure. Perhaps it is just better to draw a line and be done with him.

She was responsible in that she didn't protect you.
So sorry for that op...

@AttilaTheMeerkat

What happened to you was not your fault in any way, this is all in the adults who abused your trust and let you down abjectly. I would also include your mother as a further person who let you down as a child along with your own children who also got shouted at by her brute of a husband. Your dad has not changed either since that time.

Your mother knew about you being abused too and she is still with her abuser of a husband. She has continued to put their relationship first, certainly above you, and she has also thrown you under the bus. She on some level still gets what she wants out
She may further choose to never leave him out of fear of the unknown, money or a combination of other reasons known to her. Do you know anything about her own childhood, that often gives clues.

NAPAC are also well worth contacting here. Abuse thrives on secrecy too, keep rebuilding your life without them in it.

I have just searched NAPAC - thank you for the suggestion. It's taken me years to see the abuse for what it was - because I was 16. Stuff did happen to me before then but nothing my parents knew about. I think I craved attention and affection so much that I was easy pickings for predators. They definitely knew about the one guy because he would call the house and turn up; I hinted about my teacher but my dad told me not to be silly, like I had a crush - which i did, and it was exploited; and with the restaurant guy, well, where the hell did they think I was until 5am?? It took my daughter reaching 16 for me to realise that girls of that age are still massively vulnerable and had the stuff that happened to me happened to her then, it would have ruined her life. As soon as I viewed it through the prism of my own child I could see it clearly. I was having lunch with my daughter once and the abuser walked into the cafe. I have seen him around a few times and have been able to deal with it, but having him in close proximity to my daughter brought out a massive reaction in me. I just had to get us both out of there. She couldn't understand what was going on and I didn't tell her, I just said I was ill. I will contact NAPAC.

Well it wasnt just him was it ? your mother colluded with it as well and didnt intervene to stop any of it so how do you feel about her ?.
Personally I would not want either one around my children to bully them and would consider whether it would be better to cut contact altogether.
They are in unlikely to admit to their guilt or apologise which is really what you need to move forward.
Well done on raising your own children so much better . Wishing you all the best for the future x

Both your parents failed you abjectly and their relationship is a dance of toxic codependency and abuse. She made a choice here and she chose him. Their further neglect of you also played a role in you being further abused by other adults who also abused their position of responsibility.

Your mother failed to protect you and in turn her grandchildren from her husband. She still likely wants to pretend that all is ok all the time, that way she does not have to account for her choices made of her own free will. She is very much culpable here in my view because she has also enabled him and continues to do so. I assume she has not apologised to you nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

You can only help your own self and talking to other organisations like NAPAC could help you. You rightly surmise you are not responsible for her choices and that it’s her choice. I would seriously consider keeping well away from both parents here.

@PileOfBooks

I accesssed trauma counselling and ut changed my perspective so much. I was like you in wanting a response or acknowledgement from my dad. And constantly asking myself why.

Yet he was never going to give it or able to be the dad I needed. We are now low contact and he doesnt understand and will slag me off to anyone. But I know.

Im so sorry about your past. It's al so so wrong. As my daughter goes thdu each age I was I am getging3flashbacks, especially as I realize how young she is and how I would protect her (my dad same abojt lifts and childrdn not changing his life.) You have done so well with your children. I hope so much for better things for you xx

Good for you for accessing the help you need. My dad slags me off already by telling people that I only come to them for lifts for the kids and have no time for them otherwise. But he never calls to see us and expects a royal visit. My son plays sports which I always go to watch, and he has never come to see him play. I hold down three jobs and my children are busy with their lives so we don't have much free time, and when we do, unsurprisingly we don't want to spend it at their house! Even the smell of their house makes me massively anxious. I have been getting flashbacks and nightmares too - they started when my dd hit the ages I was. It's horrible isn't it. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad.

@flapjackfairy

Well it wasnt just him was it ? your mother colluded with it as well and didnt intervene to stop any of it so how do you feel about her ?. Personally I would not want either one around my children to bully them and would consider whether it would be better to cut contact altogether. They are in unlikely to admit to their guilt or apologise which is really what you need to move forward. Well done on raising your own children so much better . Wishing you all the best for the future x

Yes she was culpable. The closest I've got to an apology from her is her admitting that they're "not natural parents". Whenever i bring stuff up she just starts crying, which i think is partly a genuine response but also manipulation, because when she cries i stop talking about it. When push comes to shove, as it has a few times, she has sided with him. She is obsessed with him but seems to hate him too. It's weird. My extended family have commented that they felt sorry for me as a child because i had no siblings and my parents were obsessed with each other. It's really weird. I see no love between them but they are also tightly bonded.

So your dad also treated your children the same way when they were younger, and he has upset them again today. Texting him is going to do no good. You're giving him opportunities to treat your children how he treated you. You're enabling him too, tbh. It's not really your fault, any more than its your mum's fault that she's been abused by him but you need to keep your children well away from him.

@SummerWhisper

Treat him with the contempt with which he treats you. Don't ever contact him again. If he phones your mother whilst she's at yours, just laugh out loud at how pathetic he is so that he can hear you. Start enjoying the time with your mum. Offer her to live with you if you can. Ban him from your house and from contacting you and your children. He has a psychological hold over you but that can be broken. See him for the pathetic creature that he is. Hold him in contempt, not fear. Your fear is a gift to him. Do not feed it to him any longer. Your best revenge is to enjoy your life, your children, your mum...and to just ignore the little shit.

Yes, i am scared of him - despite knowing he's pathetic. It's such a confusing situation. I don't know why I give him so much space in my head, but I can't stop. I also play speeches in my head of what I would like to say to him and the details of what happened to me. Sometimes I think I'd feel better if I wrote a letter laying it all out. I doubt he'd respond - as I've just seen from the text - but maybe i'd feel better that i have at least told him? Sometimes i worry about him dying without knowing the full facts, and that i will have lost my opportunity.

@ChaToilLeam

It is sad about your mum, and not something you can change. But she didn’t protect you from your horrible excuse of a father.

He won’t change. Can I ask, what are you hoping for from him? Some kind of acknowledgment of how neglectful and inadequate he was? You have confronted him with the results of that, but I doubt you will ever receive any kind of closure. Perhaps it is just better to draw a line and be done with him.

Yes i think that's what i want. Just an apology, really. But I won't get it. I also want him to know what happened - the detail of it - and with the other men he doesn't know about. I wonder sometimes if I should just lay it all out in a letter, so i can stop playing speeches in my head about what i want to say to him?

Op I'm so sorry this happened to you. Counselling really helped me to see the abuse that I suffered from my father, my stepmother and my own mother.

The counselling helped break the bonds, see the abuse for what it was and I’m now no contact and low contact with my mother.

This is harsh (and I may be transferring) but did your Mother let the abuse happen from your father, so he was not focused on her. You became the scapegoat and she had an easier life for it. Also, she let the trauma happen and carry on, this made her feel better about herself. ie when an overweight parent over feeds their child.

The reason, I bring the above up, is that you don't own your mother anything. You cant protect her, she has made her choices.

Counselling also helped me grieve and accept that I’m not going to get the parents that I needed as a child.

And that there's no point in calling them out for it.

@EmeraldRaine

So your dad also treated your children the same way when they were younger, and he has upset them again today. Texting him is going to do no good. You're giving him opportunities to treat your children how he treated you. You're enabling him too, tbh. It's not really your fault, any more than its your mum's fault that she's been abused by him but you need to keep your children well away from him.

My issue is that as i have to work, sometimes the kids need a lift somewhere. I ask my mum, but guess what, it's my dad that comes - despite him doing nothing but complain. I suppose if he didn't come he wouldn't have anything to complain about and wouldn't get the opportunity to be a pain with my kids. It's not something that happens a lot because i have purposely taken jobs where i am available to take them so I don't need to ask my parents for anything. One of my children will soon be driving so there will no longer be any need for contact, and from then on I can't actually see that there'll be much contact at all, aside from my mum coming to see me if she wants to. My dad uses my kids to get at me. Pathetic stuff, like he'll tell them that he doesn't like my dog, because he knows I adore the dog. Just childish stuff like that. And complain about being "used" for lifts. It's all passive aggressive with the kids and thankfully a lot of it goes over their heads or they just eye roll. They just think he's ridiculous really. My dd will put him in his place sometimes and then he will say that she's just like her mother. He is also a misogynist.

@Gardenfish

Op I'm so sorry this happened to you. Counselling really helped me to see the abuse that I suffered from my father, my stepmother and my own mother.

The counselling helped break the bonds, see the abuse for what it was and I’m now no contact and low contact with my mother.

This is harsh (and I may be transferring) but did your Mother let the abuse happen from your father, so he was not focused on her. You became the scapegoat and she had an easier life for it. Also, she let the trauma happen and carry on, this made her feel better about herself. ie when an overweight parent over feeds their child.

The reason, I bring the above up, is that you don't own your mother anything. You cant protect her, she has made her choices.

I'm glad counselling has helped you - i think i need to do the same... You ask an interesting question. I think it's possible, in the sense that if she agreed with him then she was treated favourably by him. They were on the same team then and I was the bad one. They had lots of conflict because in my early childhood - first 10 years - my mum was unfaithful to my dad a lot (which i can understand because she craved attention she wasn't getting), but that shifted her attention away from me, to the extent that she would take me with her to see her boyfriend and I would sit downstairs while they went up. As a small child i had no idea what was going on, but when my father eventually found out i think he blamed us both. He threw my mum out for a while and it was just him and me, and he spent that time being vile about my mother, who i missed desperately and didn't know where she was.