How about some quick ways to spot a frenemy?

[Pinkbonbon]

Thought it would be useful to do some quick tips for spotting a narcissistic 'friend' fast. So we can spot these bastards coming a mile off and run.

I'll start:

1. Turns everything into a competition (even YOUR hobbies) God forbid you buy a boat. She'll buy a cruise ship.

1. Bragging, boasting and exaggeration of achievements. You know that cruise ship she bought? Yeah well, its actually a dingy.

1. Flirts with or beelines for anyone they know you fancy (crush, night out, partner ect) You mention a hottie at the other side of the bar? Well guess what? It's your turn to get the drinks in! But she won't be there when you turn around. Gee, wherever could she have gone?

1. Constantly needs favors (especially so, if he knows you are really busy with something important like moving house or exam revision for the next day). But looks at you as if you are a malfunctioning robot if you ask for do much as a hug on a hard day.

Tis a pickle pickle

Constantly needing things then magically disappears when you need any kind of support

Agree with all yours, Pink

Talks to you and shows an interest in your in group situations but when the group breaks into smaller chats will ignore you.

Despite the above, are very 'caring' if they sense a chink in your armour or vulnerability in order to get you to open up to them - leverage.

Asks too many questions/makes impertinent remarks about your personal life!

Here is a typical example.

A colleage much younger than myself constantly telling me about her pet lovebirds. She then asks if I have any pets and I tell her no because I rent and would need LL's permission.

"Dont you think that if you had a pet it would give you something to think about other than yourself and make you less selfish?"

Well it would be very selfish and thoughtless of me to:-

leave a poor animal alone for 8 hours a day when I was out at work

disregard my lease and risk being evicted for going against it

buy an animal on the quiet when I knew my LL had negative feelings about pets that might damage the property

etc.

All over you when your life isn't going well, agog for the gory details, but very lukewarm when you have anything positive to share.
Subtly puts you down under cover of unwanted sympathy/praise 'i don't know how you stand that job, I don't have it in me to slog like that' 'Your DP is so lucky to have someone as tolerant as you. Mine gets nowhere near such an easy life with me'

competitive over children and their achievements

Pretends to be empathic about what they see as your weakness but really wants to watch you cry and will do what they can, oh so kindly, to make it happen.

@5128gap

All over you when your life isn't going well, agog for the gory details, but very lukewarm when you have anything positive to share. Subtly puts you down under cover of unwanted sympathy/praise 'i don't know how you stand that job, I don't have it in me to slog like that' 'Your DP is so lucky to have someone as tolerant as you. Mine gets nowhere near such an easy life with me'

Totally agree with the first part of this!

Not necessarily your quotes though. For example if I thought my friends husband was a dick to her, I might say something like that that quote because I want her to realise other people wouldn't tolerate it do she doesn't have to. The work comment...hmm..again that could just be 'you deserve better'.

I guess it depends on the person it's coming from though. I'm sure fake friends would say shit like that in conjunction with many other subtle jibes abs put downs with 'it'll bring her down' in mind.

And depends on your circumstances. When in the context of a job you love and a relationship you're very happy in...

Beware the victim who has had wrong done to them by so many people. Even worse, just one person.

@5128gap

And depends on your circumstances. When in the context of a job you love and a relationship you're very happy in...

Ooh yeah thats a good point!

If you want to spot them and run, all you have to do is start running when they make you feel negative. No checklist required.

@Orgasmagorical

Beware the victim who has had wrong done to them by so many people. Even worse, just one person.

Yes agreed. Always the victim

If you've had a good day, they've had the worst day ever and you have to comfort them.
If you've had the worst day ever, they've had an even worse day and you have to comfort them.

@TheFoundations

If you want to spot them and run, all you have to do is start running when they make you feel negative. No checklist required.

This is so true. Unfortunately it took me too long to learn this lesson.

My very wise and good friend always says that usually you don’t see who your real friends are in hard times because lots of people can easily fake sympathy, act like they care whilst looking for info about you that they can use for gossiping or be there for you just to feel better about themselves as good samaritans.

She said look who’s genuinely happy for you when you get something they want but don’t have / can’t get.

I think she has a point there.

From my personal experience:

• those who gossip about others. They’ll talk about you too behind your back.
• those who are clearly trying to use you for material benefits like giving them lifts, inviting them to your (second) home, borrowing your stuff etc, etc.
• those that criticize most or everything that you do, esspecially if it’s about raising children. Friends should respect your decisions even if they would do the opposite from what you decide to do.

Just my thoughts

It took me decades to twig that my best friend didn’t actually like me. She did indeed make a beeline for anyone I was interested in. At the time I wasn’t that bothered - plenty more fish in the sea - but looking back it was peculiar. Also if I expressed an interest in something, she would be rushing to do it first. In fact with hindsight I wish I’d said I had a yen to join the Foreign Legion as the moment I’d have mentioned it she’d have signed on the dotted line.

@5128gap

I was going to say the same as OP. I have used these exact phrase’s to a couple of my friends and it wasn’t because I was trying to put them down. Job one, they are literally getting taken advantage of so much but are in denial (I worked there and it sucked the life out of me). Second example, her husband really is an awful man and she lets him treat her and her children very poorly and just cannot see this. It’s frustrating.

@DottyHarmer

It took me decades to twig that my best friend didn’t actually like me. She did indeed make a beeline for anyone I was interested in. At the time I wasn’t that bothered - plenty more fish in the sea - but looking back it was peculiar. Also if I expressed an interest in something, she would be rushing to do it first. In fact with hindsight I wish I’d said I had a yen to join the Foreign Legion as the moment I’d have mentioned it she’d have signed on the dotted line.

Haha I had one like that. She did shit lots that constantly and it took me ages to cotton on

I mentioned considering getting a tattoo one day and she rushed out and got one. If I'd known what she was at the time, I would have told her I wanted it on my face xD

But that's a textbook narcissist for you. They don't have an actual personal so they steal bits and pieces of you.

*personality

@LaBellina

My very wise and good friend always says that usually you don’t see who your real friends are in hard times because lots of people can easily fake sympathy, act like they care whilst looking for info about you that they can use for gossiping or be there for you just to feel better about themselves as good samaritans.

She said look who’s genuinely happy for you when you get something they want but don’t have / can’t get.

I think she has a point there.

From my personal experience:

• those who gossip about others. They’ll talk about you too behind your back.
• those who are clearly trying to use you for material benefits like giving them lifts, inviting them to your (second) home, borrowing your stuff etc, etc.
• those that criticize most or everything that you do, esspecially if it’s about raising children. Friends should respect your decisions even if they would do the opposite from what you decide to do.

Just my thoughts

This!!!!!!!

LaBellina I have written down part of your post to relate to my DD.

It couldn't be more relevant. Thankyou.

Long term friend always turned up with her children and husband at lunchtime. They are hungry, I make fishfingers and chips whilst her husband sneers at my culinary choices whilst feeding his children.

Always buy her girls gifts, nothing major just some sweets, small toys etc. She always turns up empty handed to the extent my eldest dd points out friend has never even bought her a small bag of sweets when I end up cooking for them each time.

Only visits if there is nothing better on offer.

Only wants a positive phone call, becomes distant or disappears if you are in any kind of difficulty. When challenged says she thoughts you "needed space".

You find out she went on a date with your ex. Worse, she allowed her good friends ex husband to live with her for a while after they split and wondered why that friend was upset with her.

Fairweather friends, an old fashioned term but still stands true.

Got very friendly with a lady...
Very soon she was offering to do all sorts for me..if you ever need this or that ,just ask.
But she always seemed to offer things she knew I dint need help with IYSWIM.
But very quickly she became very needy,always needing a lift,help with this etc.
The constant hints for childcare got too much.
I now keep her at a very long arms length

@DottyHarmer

It took me decades to twig that my best friend didn’t actually like me. She did indeed make a beeline for anyone I was interested in. At the time I wasn’t that bothered - plenty more fish in the sea - but looking back it was peculiar. Also if I expressed an interest in something, she would be rushing to do it first. In fact with hindsight I wish I’d said I had a yen to join the Foreign Legion as the moment I’d have mentioned it she’d have signed on the dotted line.

It took me 30 years for the penny to drop — known since childhood — now I look back and can see the red flags as clear as day, one of the benefits of hindsight. I still can’t believe how incredibly blinkered and stupid I was. Finally came to a head when I bought a new house and she could barely conceal her hostility towards me over that, despite the fact she had beautiful house of her own.