How about some quick ways to spot a frenemy?

[Pinkbonbon]

Thought it would be useful to do some quick tips for spotting a narcissistic 'friend' fast. So we can spot these bastards coming a mile off and run.

I'll start:

1. Turns everything into a competition (even YOUR hobbies) God forbid you buy a boat. She'll buy a cruise ship.

1. Bragging, boasting and exaggeration of achievements. You know that cruise ship she bought? Yeah well, its actually a dingy.

1. Flirts with or beelines for anyone they know you fancy (crush, night out, partner ect) You mention a hottie at the other side of the bar? Well guess what? It's your turn to get the drinks in! But she won't be there when you turn around. Gee, wherever could she have gone?

1. Constantly needs favors (especially so, if he knows you are really busy with something important like moving house or exam revision for the next day). But looks at you as if you are a malfunctioning robot if you ask for do much as a hug on a hard day.

Glad to be of service @darklindor

Makes you fawn over their latest endeavour/purchase/idea etc for ages. Yet whenever you bring up any of the above they are either completely disinterested, pick flaws in it or are downright nasty.

I’m looking at you ex-frenemy.

oooh all of these are just hitting the nail on the head.

I have a close friend and slowly im beginning to see some red flags ( other friend in same group is seeing the same things thankfully )

suggests doing something....go for a drink, go on a weekend away.... but never follows through. Expects someone else to make the plans. I think its her way of "pretending" she wants to hang out with us but really doesn't want to. Rather be with her awful boyfriend who is another narcissist

Goes off grid when she gets back with said boyfriend and then comes crawling back when he dumps her again

I went through a traumatic Miscarriage recently and she came to visit. Didn't let me talk about it but wanted to tell me all about her "much worse" life. Justified herself doing this by saying it would distract me

I did end up calling her out on this . Going through the miscarriage made me more intolerant to peoples bullshit and narcissistic ways!!!!!

Oh i could go on and on..... glad to see other people have to deal with this and its not just me

@5128gap

All over you when your life isn't going well, agog for the gory details, but very lukewarm when you have anything positive to share. Subtly puts you down under cover of unwanted sympathy/praise 'i don't know how you stand that job, I don't have it in me to slog like that' 'Your DP is so lucky to have someone as tolerant as you. Mine gets nowhere near such an easy life with me'

These are spot on.

[quote Eve81]@5128gap

I was going to say the same as OP. I have used these exact phrase’s to a couple of my friends and it wasn’t because I was trying to put them down. Job one, they are literally getting taken advantage of so much but are in denial (I worked there and it sucked the life out of me). Second example, her husband really is an awful man and she lets him treat her and her children very poorly and just cannot see this. It’s frustrating.[/quote]
I'm sure it can be genuine at times as you say. But its a bit of a downer when you're sharing your happiness about your work and relationship to be basically told that your job's crap, your DP's a twat, and you're a mug for putting up with both of them.

I've had a couple of new 'friends' over the past few years that have turned out to be really unpleasant individuals. They shared common 'tactics' early in our 'friendship':

1 Moving too fast with personal revelations, inviting to lunch, etc, a bit like you hear abusive relationships start. Almost a love-bombing.

2 Slightly cagey when trying to pin them down on exactly when these lunches etc would be

3 Ignoring me in crowds, but overly-friendly texts etc.

4 Lots of tales of falling out with other people. It was always the other people's fault, of course

5 Smile that fades in an instant when they don't need to look interested.

6 Quick to pounce on bad things in my life, to add to their arsenal.

I no longer see either of these people. The first one blocked me on FB when I had the temerity to leave where we lived (was obvs no use to her any more). The second I just take a 'smile and wave' to any overtures to meet up.

I’ve just remembered something weird from years ago.

My best friend in sixth form.

There was a lad who fancied me. He told one person in confidence so obviously the entire school knew. I wasn’t interested (pretty sure I had a boyfriend then) and he knew and it wasn’t an issue. We were still friends.

For whatever reason best friend decided to flirt with him like mad. For weeks and weeks. I figured she liked him so backed right away. Eventually he asked her out. She said no. Apparently she wasn’t interested at all.

So why flirt like mad? It was like she couldn’t bear for it to be common knowledge that a lad (that she had no interest in whatsoever) liked me.

@Mumoftwoinprimary

I’ve just remembered something weird from years ago.

My best friend in sixth form.

There was a lad who fancied me. He told one person in confidence so obviously the entire school knew. I wasn’t interested (pretty sure I had a boyfriend then) and he knew and it wasn’t an issue. We were still friends.

For whatever reason best friend decided to flirt with him like mad. For weeks and weeks. I figured she liked him so backed right away. Eventually he asked her out. She said no. Apparently she wasn’t interested at all.

So why flirt like mad? It was like she couldn’t bear for it to be common knowledge that a lad (that she had no interest in whatsoever) liked me.

Yup that's standard narcissist behaviour right there. If you like anyone or they like you, they have to get straight in there abd try to 'win' the persons affections.

I confided in my uni friend that I'd become close to a lad lately who was friends with one of the boys in our student dorm. Not in a romantic way, we just had lots in common and he had been a real sound guy to talk to lately through a tough time I had been having. Two days later I come into our living room and do a double take -she is sat there on the sofa holding his hand! I mean, why didn't she mention liking him when we had that convo a few days back? ...oh yeah, because she didn't!

So I backed off from the friendship with him and was happy for her, if, a little confused. And the one day she goes 'you would tell me if you liked him though right!?' and I thought that was odd, because surely she would have asked that BEFORE dating him if she was worried for my feelings? Of course I realise now she was hoping I'd say yes, because she wanted me to be upset.

A few months later she dumped him and asked out another guy I had just had a date with, right infront of me. When I asked her why, she said she just needed a guy to talk with about her break up!

Absolutely nuts!

I have one of these currently.

I swear blind if I moved house/got married/was 9 months pregnant/shaved my head and tattooed my face she would be none the wiser.
Completely and utterly self-absorbed, to the point that we can spend a couple of hours together and she won't have paused for breath to let me say a sentence..but if she did, I rush through it in order not to interrupt her flow ( as I can see it mildly irritates her

Luckily, I only now bump into her once in a blue moon..and I blame myself for being such an excellent listener 😁

@Tiramiwho

Have you ever tried to persist with speaking about something completely different and something like this has happened:

Her (40 minutes into talking about how much she hates her job): 'you have no idea how awful it is

You: I bet! So I saw Tom from the bar the other day.

Her: just awful. How I cope I do not know.

You: He seems fine. His wedding is next week.

Her: I mean I must have just, enormous will power or something.

You: His fiancé seems nice, she has pink hair.

Her: They really should pay me more you know, I'm their best employee.

Annnnd you give up xD
I tried that once just to see what would happen and it just shows how completely unconcequential you are in their life. Just there to be a sounding board.

Ooh and omg yes, what you said about seeing it irritates her when you talk and 'interupt' her! Think that's a good way to spot some of them early on - when you feel yourself rushing to finish a sentence because you know she is waiting to talk again. Annnnnd she is not waiting patiently lol.