I’ll preface this by saying I have never had a relationship last beyond two years. I’m 31 with no DC (I don’t want them) and I’m trying to work out whether my relationship issues are down to my attitude or the relationship itself.
DP is 6 years older and we’ve been together 18 months. We had an incredible first year being bubbled up together and doing fun things. We do have separate houses and split our time between them, my family got to know him and think he is fab. Ultimately he’s brought a lot of happiness into my life. He listens, understands, is caring, we have chemistry, adventures etc.
At the same time…
DP has Peter Pan syndrome. He doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life/career and in response to my recent promotion responded with something along the lines of ‘well, you working away isn’t great for me!’ Not the ideal reaction but he did rescue it with a bunch of flowers later that week…
He works away half the time and when he’s back I’m noticing that some of his habits drive me nuts. His family are very close and demanding in terms of his time, often calling or expecting us for dinner multiple times a week. This is foreign to me; I see my parents maybe twice a week tops. He finds it hard to say no to any social invitations and can be irresponsible. We went for a walk the other night but he’d lost my car key and we’d spent 30 minutes looking for it. Ditto large sums of cash - he manages to lose things like this a lot. Never mind the key bowl i bought!
I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s walked in on one of my work calls (I wfh 9-5) or left my car (that we share, he doesn’t have his own!) full of crumbs and wrappers. He’s so keen to please people that I often feel second fiddle to just about everything else, despite him telling me that he’d rather be with me and have less demands on his time.
After a week of him spending every evening with his family this week (due to a special occasion so totally understood) I’ve just got this heavy and sad feeling this week that things are not meant to be.
I do tend to cut and run from lots of things when they feel hard in terms of jobs, relationships. I oscillate between thinking I’m doing the right thing and thinking I’m giving up too easily and not ‘sticking it out’ I’m not immune to my faults and I know that relationships involve compromise. I just feel my heart sinking when he does something that grinds my gears and I can’t help him be a grown up! Nor can I help him find the motivation to complete all the things he said he’d do but hasn’t because he’s overstretched himself (DIY, sorting a pension, fixing up his house etc). He’s had a property for seven years that he would love for me to spend more time in, but it’s a lad pad needing a tonne of work. I just feel it will never be completed.
DP is kind and reliable with a huge heart. I don’t want to be with anyone else and have no interest in dating but I’m struggling. My new job is making me see this set-up through a new lens. I know he can take feedback graciously (and does!) but I’m tired of being ratty and annoyed by his faults and I’m wondering: is this part and parcel of a relationship having ups and downs, or have we reached the end of the road?
Without having a relationship past the two-year mark I’d appreciate some wisdom. It doesn’t help that I feel so guilty for having these doubts and I feel he deserves better.