Overwhelmed by partner’s habits

[JackieWeaversExitButton]

I’ll preface this by saying I have never had a relationship last beyond two years. I’m 31 with no DC (I don’t want them) and I’m trying to work out whether my relationship issues are down to my attitude or the relationship itself.

DP is 6 years older and we’ve been together 18 months. We had an incredible first year being bubbled up together and doing fun things. We do have separate houses and split our time between them, my family got to know him and think he is fab. Ultimately he’s brought a lot of happiness into my life. He listens, understands, is caring, we have chemistry, adventures etc.

At the same time…

DP has Peter Pan syndrome. He doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life/career and in response to my recent promotion responded with something along the lines of ‘well, you working away isn’t great for me!’ Not the ideal reaction but he did rescue it with a bunch of flowers later that week…

He works away half the time and when he’s back I’m noticing that some of his habits drive me nuts. His family are very close and demanding in terms of his time, often calling or expecting us for dinner multiple times a week. This is foreign to me; I see my parents maybe twice a week tops. He finds it hard to say no to any social invitations and can be irresponsible. We went for a walk the other night but he’d lost my car key and we’d spent 30 minutes looking for it. Ditto large sums of cash - he manages to lose things like this a lot. Never mind the key bowl i bought!

I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s walked in on one of my work calls (I wfh 9-5) or left my car (that we share, he doesn’t have his own!) full of crumbs and wrappers. He’s so keen to please people that I often feel second fiddle to just about everything else, despite him telling me that he’d rather be with me and have less demands on his time.

After a week of him spending every evening with his family this week (due to a special occasion so totally understood) I’ve just got this heavy and sad feeling this week that things are not meant to be.

I do tend to cut and run from lots of things when they feel hard in terms of jobs, relationships. I oscillate between thinking I’m doing the right thing and thinking I’m giving up too easily and not ‘sticking it out’ I’m not immune to my faults and I know that relationships involve compromise. I just feel my heart sinking when he does something that grinds my gears and I can’t help him be a grown up! Nor can I help him find the motivation to complete all the things he said he’d do but hasn’t because he’s overstretched himself (DIY, sorting a pension, fixing up his house etc). He’s had a property for seven years that he would love for me to spend more time in, but it’s a lad pad needing a tonne of work. I just feel it will never be completed.

DP is kind and reliable with a huge heart. I don’t want to be with anyone else and have no interest in dating but I’m struggling. My new job is making me see this set-up through a new lens. I know he can take feedback graciously (and does!) but I’m tired of being ratty and annoyed by his faults and I’m wondering: is this part and parcel of a relationship having ups and downs, or have we reached the end of the road?

Without having a relationship past the two-year mark I’d appreciate some wisdom. It doesn’t help that I feel so guilty for having these doubts and I feel he deserves better.

He's talking the solid relationship talk but he's walking the piss-take walk.

Find a grown-up next time.

@Crikeyalmighty that’s a refreshing viewpoint. I legitimately wonder whether I’m too independent for a LTR in the conventional sense. I have my own home, a decent salary, solid friendships. I don’t crave the 2.4 kids model.

I really respectfully disagree.

"Together" doesn't "often" mean dull.

Together means someone who is competent, independent, cogent, assertive.

I am very "together", and it meant I travelled extensively, took every career opportunity that arose, lived life to its very fullest, made a great choice in a partner, and continued to explore every opportunity that we were offered on multiple continents before having a family.
Like lots of my friends.
Nothing dull about being independent.

Feckless types that need mummying and guidance are for women who are seriously lacking in their own psychology IMO.

Women may want to have a child but certainly shouldn't want to marry one.

Something obviously attracted you to him, but I don't think that's enough here. Usually, when people are happy with their partners, it's because their pros outweigh any cons.

Looks into the trait 'conscientiousness' in the Big Five Personality Model.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscientiousness
www.simplypsychology.org/big-five-personality.html
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/conscientiousness#understanding-conscientiousness

When there's too much of a gap between people in relationships in this domain, the more conscientious person sees their partner as flaky, incompetent, disorganised, unreliable, lazy and impulsive (loss of respect).

On the other hand, the person who's less conscientious will see their partner as perfectionist, boring, inflexible and too routine driven, unforgiving and even harsh (they feel judged and put down a lot).

For some people, forgetting something every now and again or losing something is no big deal. It's very annoying for them, but they get over it. However, for some people, this is a totally alien thing and they just can't understand how people misplace items.

It's lovely that he has such a close family, but I can see why a lot of women would find that set-up claustrophobic and really tiring if they're inviting you over a lot. I'm not sure if he's carved a big enough space in his time or life for a partner, and I'm not sure if his family have considered that either.

He finds it hard to say no to any social invitations

There's a difference between niceness and being a coward. A LOT of woman mistake the two. Someone who's a coward simply wants to avoid as many emotionally difficult situations as possible. It comes from a selfish place. It's not the same thing as making the right, ethical decision, which may have a cost for them that they just don't want to pay (anxiety, reputation damage).

That's a deeply unattractive trait. Many people like that are weasels who'll never really have your back and will bend to the strongest wind simply because it's easier for then (doesn't seem to matter how that affects you). They can't bear having their reputation as a nice guy tarnished in front of multiple people.....so they choose you to be the one that goes without, that suffers.

I think you need to separate things into habits and personality. Because habits can be broken. But personality won't change. Eg if he has just got into a habit of seeing his family every night then that might change. If he sees his family every night because that's the type of relationship he has with them or there is some weird dynamic tlwhere he never says no to them, that won't change. Losing things is a habit, but not being organised to try and sort it out / replace stuff etc is a personality thing. If you dont like some fundamental parts of his personality then its doomed. If it's just habits you might be able to compromise.

For example my husband is really annoying in shops and restaurants, he takes ages to decide what he is having and dithers. It does my head in. But in general he is not a ditherer, he is actually the rest of the time a really decisive person and so I put up with it, whereas I dont think I could be with someone who didn't feel confident in their own decision making

I don’t disagree with you @billy1966- personally I like pretty ‘together’ people too , but I know plenty of women who don’t go for assertive, confident, independent ‘together’ partners as they are worried constantly about the fact they are so independent and don’t seem to really ‘need’ them- all I am saying is we have to be careful of what we personally consider ‘red flags’ aren’t necessarily traits that would be red flags for other people. I for instance don’t like heavy porn habits— clearly doesn’t bother some women in the slightest - is it a red flag? To me kind of yes, to others no. Personally I think it really depends what the OP is looking for or is it that the OP as I suggested really isn’t that bothered about a long term relationship, but feels she should be. If as she says she is very independent then in my view if she wants a relationship at all it’s better long term to be with someone who feels the same way about things .

@EarthSight

I love your reference to cowardice re easy-going and selfish, because that is EXACTLY how I view.

I believe that a supposed easy-going demeanour, is simply a cover for a selfish, I don't give a shit about anyone but myself personality, and I certainly will NEVER have your back.

Invariably in a long term relationship if this is challenged the person who asks for support is deemed the "problem".

Cowardice is deeply unattractive.

“ The real problem is, you've matured and he hasn't.”

This. You are responsible with a steadily job, house, mortgage etc, but dp hasn’t grown up. I’m guessing he keeps changing jobs as there’s always a better one around the corner, or the one he’s in isn’t right.

What would happen if he said no to a family meal? Multiple meals sounds draining. I used to visit in-laws once a week, at most, and they were nice in-laws.

The ‘Working away for me’ comment is a little red-flaggish. He doesn’t control you. It’s for you to decide your career, not him. Why doesn’t it work - because you’re not there to cook and clean, or because you have the car? If that’s the problem, he should buy a car!

I’m guessing he’s mid 30s. I don’t think he’s going to change now.

It would be a "no, Thank you" from me.

I was in a similar sounding relationship. I had my shit together (own place good job etc), he was sharing a bathroom with 4 other people, still got pocket money from grandma and was eyeing up a 3rd arts based post grad qualification to persue his dream of "saving animals".

I was asked by my mum what i imagined my life to be like 5 / 10 years down the road... the answer was pretty grim and a reality check.

I was scared to throw away another relationship (am i running away? Am i not trying enough/trying too hard? Am i unloveable?) but eventually left at 31

I was single for quite a while and then met my now DH who is an actual adult man who doesnt irritate me. He also has a very clingy family who he managed from day 1 because he prioritises our relationship

These comments are so enlightening, thank you x 100.

@Standrewsschool, I have to own the fact it’s actually me who’s more of a job hopper (not terribly atypical of my sector) as I do move on from roles that don’t challenge or make the best use of my skills. I have remained within my sector though and have never regretted a move - be it sideways or upwards (as my recent one is). What does that say about me!? I wonder if I have a tendency to not grow up in that regard.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower What you said about your ex partner’s set up and being scared and questioning yourself rings sooo true for me. I’m getting some serious clarity as my P fits that description quite neatly.

It would be a No from me too.

I agree with other the poster re hiding cowardice under "easy-going" and also fear of confrontation under "nice".

He spends way more time at/in contact with his family than is normal. Your max 2 x a week is spot on.

I totally disagree with the poster who said you're not suited to relationships over 2 years, ridiculous comment based on what we know about you.

Theres nothing in your post that indicates to me you gave unreasonable expectations of a relationship. It's entirely possible to gave a great relationship and also be quite independent.

This situation seems to be making you doubt yourself, but I think your gut is right, he's not right for you long term.