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Original poster

Worth keeping the 'friend'?

36 replies

Slottedspoon12 · 23/09/2021 17:24

Long story cut short, I'm married to an ogler/sleaze. The things got so bad that I've told him I want to separate and eventually divorce. He's been in agony for the last 2 weeks or so, not sleeping, begging me to give him another chance, telling me it's all in my head etc. I haven't told anyone about this and we are behaving as if we are a happy family in front of others.

Last Sunday I invited a friend of mine who I met only a few months ago. Her DD is having playdates with our DD, usually in playgrounds, but she never met my husband. On Sunday she came over with her DD and DH. And the inevitable happened. My H was being quietly flirtatious with her whilst I was making food for everyone in the kitchen. I came back to the living room to witness her giving him flirtatious looks too, which made me realise he has absolutely no limits. He'd ogle anyone, anywhere. However I was surprised she responded!! And it carried on until they left. My heart sunk again, but I'm so used to it.

Question is, how am I supposed to meet this woman again? Would you keep the 'friendship'? The trust is completely broken, no respect from either of them towards their families. Would you still meet her for the sake of DD?

My marriage is an ordeal, I know. That's a separate story.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slottedspoon12 · 23/09/2021 17:26

What I'm trying to say is, we were still trying to work on our marriage and this other couple don't know what we are going through, we are supposed to be a happy family.

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 23/09/2021 17:29

Yeah, that isn’t someone you want to spend time with, even if your DH was Pope Francis.

OldEvilOwl · 23/09/2021 17:54

What were they actually doing/saying?

girlmom21 · 23/09/2021 18:00

I wouldn't want to continue a friendship with her even if I trusted him to the ends of the earth.

As it is, you might be working on your relationship but he clearly isn't.

seensome · 23/09/2021 18:04

I would drop them both, don't allow anyone to disrespect you like this.

happinessischocolate · 23/09/2021 18:07

Is meet her again, and as the kids are playing confide in her that you're kicking your husband out because hes a complete letch and has no standards at all. Say he'll flirt with anyone and the more unattractive they are the more he goes for them

😁

ClawedButler · 23/09/2021 18:13

You don't know why she was responding though. It could be that she fancies him like mad. Or that she felt "oh, this must be how they do things around here, must be harmless fun". Or that she felt creeped out and thought she had better go along with it in case he got nasty at some point.

Frankly I'd ditch him and keep her as a mate. She doesn't need to be your bestest pal, but there's no reason to not be friendly with her. It's not like she came on to him and he was trying to put her off because he's so committed to you.

altmember · 23/09/2021 18:20

She might have just been going along with it out of politeness? Doesn't sound like you know her all that well, maybe she's more outgoing/friendly than you realised? What was her husband doing at this point, did he seem shocked by it too?

Obviously you know your husband much better, and the change in character is more obvious. A bit insensitive, given the troubles you're having in your relationship. But then if he's like it with other women all the time then maybe that's just who he is as well? And then the issue might be that it's just you he doesn't flirt with you any more? I'm sure that happens a lot in marriages and long term relationships - familiarity breeds boredom.

lynntheyresexpeople · 23/09/2021 18:27

It honestly depends on what she's done in response - flirty glances to you may very well be completely innocent, and you're paranoid (understandably so) from years of your Husband being a creep.
A bit more context is needed before you condemn her completely.

Pinkbonbon · 23/09/2021 18:33

I'd distance myself from her. But slowly and maybe not before making clear what he is like. About the gaslighting behaviour though. I maybe wouldn't mention the ogling as if she is the narcissistic kind like him, she will take that as a green light to try her luck.

Often if we have a narc partner (npd) we pick similar friends. You need to phrase it as if you've decided you can do better than 'some loser that treats women shaudily'. If you paint him as desirable or yourself as desiring him at all, she will go after him.

Also, he is not having a hard time op. They are crocodile tears designed to con you. It's all fake bs.

notlongtillxmas · 23/09/2021 18:51

@happinessischocolate

Is meet her again, and as the kids are playing confide in her that you're kicking your husband out because hes a complete letch and has no standards at all. Say he'll flirt with anyone and the more unattractive they are the more he goes for them

😁

And he especially likes ones who smell a bit !
Original poster
Slottedspoon12 · 23/09/2021 19:52

And he especially likes ones who smell a bit !

Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
Slottedspoon12 · 23/09/2021 20:08

Also, he is not having a hard time op. They are crocodile tears designed to con you. It's all fake bs.

Yes, I know. We've been there before about 18 months ago and he hasn't stopped his behaviour. If anything, it got worse. I believe it's an addiction. It gives him a creepy satisfaction, especially when he gets some sort of positive feedback.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slottedspoon12 · 23/09/2021 20:13

Doesn't sound like you know her all that well, maybe she's more outgoing/friendly than you realised? What was her husband doing at this point, did he seem shocked by it too?

Well, her husband did all the talking. A bit of a geek, very nice man though and very friendly, talking a lot about his work but my H is not interested in chatting. I mean that in general. He'd rather creep around than talk about anything. When they left, H told me he switched off at some point, as he wasn't interested in what the guy was saying. But he is like that.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 23/09/2021 21:55

@Slottedspoon12

What I'm trying to say is, we were still trying to work on our marriage and this other couple don't know what we are going through, we are supposed to be a happy family.
Can you describe how your husband was flirting and how she was flirting back? Are you sure she wasn't just being friendly? Where was her DH whilst this was going on?
QueenBee52 · 24/09/2021 00:22

uuugghh they sound repulsive 🤢 pair of skanks

MsDogLady · 24/09/2021 05:50

…no respect from either of them towards their families.

OP, you know what you saw. Your H who has begged for another chance and your ‘friend’ who was a guest in your home carried on their flirty game during the entire visit. They made a mockery of you, her H, and the children.

It sounds like they both crave and lap up risky behavior and attention from the opposite sex.

H will never change his faithless, disloyal ways. As for this faux friend, I would give her a wide berth and cut out meeting her. You welcomed her and she treated you with utter disregard.

SunshineCake1 · 24/09/2021 07:14

I'd ditch the husband and the friend for sure and then take up with the nice man.

Honestly, this is not the best you can do.

coffeeisthebest · 24/09/2021 11:41

Trust your instincts and feelings. You are married to someone who has minimised them and you are having unfortunate responses on this thread that echo that. She was capable of shutting him down, she is an adult who is responsible for how she behaves. So respond accordingly. Look at the bare bones of it, you spent the evening with your husband who you are about to separate from and an acquaintance who were flirting with each other. Good luck to them. Get on with your life away from people who don't understand the concept of respect and boundaries.

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/09/2021 11:45

My ex-h was like this. It doesn't get better. He had zero respect for me and would openly flirt with people. He had loads and loads of affairs. I have found out since we divorced that he actually sexually assaulted one of my friends who was staying at our home overnight. People like this are predators. They are wired wrong.

Get rid of him and the "friend". You deserve better.

Original poster
Slottedspoon12 · 24/09/2021 11:48

Thank you for all your answers x

I've been reading them all but didn't get a chance to reply as DD is sick today and I didn't get any sleep last night either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slottedspoon12 · 25/09/2021 10:58

Can you describe how your husband was flirting and how she was flirting back? Are you sure she wasn't just being friendly?

What he usually does is: checks out the woman up and down until she notices then turns away, then starts again turning his head back giving a smile, several times, starts following the woman with his eyes around the room as in if she gets up and goes to the other side of the room he grins and follows her with his eyes. I mean it's so obvious. I think if anyone dated someone like that, they'd completely understand. I don't think he fancies most of the women, he just enjoys the game. Then if the woman responds in some way like smiling back, running her hand through her hair a bit too much or being overly friendly I guess that's giving him some sort of creepy satisfaction.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/09/2021 11:22

He sounds uttey repulsive.

Dump them both.

He must make your skin crawl.

Get out, he's slime.Flowers

QueenBee52 · 25/09/2021 12:47

@billy1966

He sounds uttey repulsive.

Dump them both.

He must make your skin crawl.

Get out, he's slime.Flowers

I agree... this is no way to live either OP

Wiredforsound · 25/09/2021 18:13

Good grief. He sounds like a 16 year old with the raging horn at the school ceilidh. It’s pathetic.

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