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Original poster

Should I end the relationship?

30 replies

MaiZee · 23/09/2021 11:47

My partner and I have been together 9 years. We are engaged. I'm 29 and he is 31 now.

I have recently had an operation and he was supportive only at times. I had to rely on my Mum to pick up bits I needed (that he had forgotten for me) and collect me from hospital. When he was home for the first few days he was good, getting me pain relief however it clearly miffed him that he had to do things for me and was very much "you'll be ok now" and asked me "can you do this and that for me", when I'm not supposed to. Last night he told me that he's worried about when I'm pregnant because he will have my moaning for 9 months when he's had this after my operation for a week. That really hurt me. I've been in a lot of pain and haven't moaned to him. My pain has been obvious but I haven't moaned about it or played on it. He now says it was a joke but I know it wasn't. He hasn't said a word to me since despite seeing me upset.

I feel that he is emotionally unavailable with me (not just at this time, but always). We've been together since I was 20 and I think he has grown in some ways in that time but not emotionally. I think that's a natural development in a relationship. He's not affectionate towards me and we haven't been intimate for months.

I have discussed all of these things with him many times and he always says he will make effort but in reality, doesn't. He is a lazy person and that floods into our relationship.

I'm 29 and I feel I don't want him to waste my time. I want to be with someone who adores me and is there for me every step of the way in life. I don't know how we can have a future "in sickness and in health" now that I feel I can't express myself to him and I can't rely on him at those times. The whole thing has just hit me like a tonne of bricks, it sounds silly but everything he does/doesn't do for me flashed before my eyes and I thought, I deserve better.

Do you have any advice please?

OP posts:
spagbog5 · 23/09/2021 11:49

Leave and find someone that wants an equal, loving ,caring relationship with you - it's what you deserve and what you definitely aren't getting from him.
This will only get worse once you are married.

Sparklfairy · 23/09/2021 11:51

Hes not a good or kind man. God forbid you became long term sick or disabled, I can guarantee he would leave you.

You deserve someone who adores you and looks after you.

Out of interest, what is he like when he's ill?

Regularsizedrudy · 23/09/2021 11:52

Yeah do not marry this man

hamstersarse · 23/09/2021 11:53

It sounds like you have grown apart

Our 20's are the biggest decade of growth - we start to establish what is important to us and become our own person. I wouldn't feel resentful that he is not the one for you - it is just the way things are. He might be a perfect partner for someone else, just not you.

Listen to that 'tonne of bricks' hitting you with absolute respect. You already know inside that this is not for you now, nobody's fault necessarily, just move on and try and keep your dignity in the meantime. If you stay the tonne of bricks will multiply and fester and start to ruin your life

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 23/09/2021 11:54

My STBXH is like this.

When I was 8 months pregnant, I had severe SPD. I needed help getting up from the settee one day, as I was in awful pain. He huffed and said "Well what would you do if you were a single parent?"

That told me everything. It upsets me 8 years later.

sunnyzweibrucken · 23/09/2021 11:54

He sounds like my ex. I was very ill a couple of times when we were together and it was like pulling teeth to get him to make me toast. Usually after asking him multiple times I would have to make it myself while running a high fever. He wasn’t very affectionate either unless I initiated it or he wanted to have sex. It made me feel very unloved and resentful.

You are young, there are better , more loving men out there , you need to leave him and find one of those men.

jillandhersprite · 23/09/2021 11:55

short answer - yes i think you should end it.

SpeedRunParent · 23/09/2021 11:55

Yes you should. You don't have much of a relationship if you aren't intimate, he shows little affection and you certainly can't rely on him in times of difficulty.
Get rid. You're still young.
You are worth so much more.
All the best.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 23/09/2021 11:55

I wouldn't invest in this man. You're still young, and we're ALL too young to settle for self-absorbed arseholes.

Motnight · 23/09/2021 11:55

He has told you who he is, believe him.

SpeedRunParent · 23/09/2021 11:59

@Motnight

He has told you who he is, believe him.
Well put.
TiredButDancing · 23/09/2021 12:03

Yes, you should leave. If things are this bad BEFORE the wedding and children, it will only get worse.

MartyHart · 23/09/2021 12:05

I have recently been very ill and my husband had to help me with more or less everything. I could go to the toilet but couldn't wash or walk around without help.

I was like this for a few weeks (all better now). We also have two kids and he did everything without complaining and told me to stop being silly as I kept apologising.
Your partner sounds like a lazy arse and you definitely do deserve better.

Cut him loose and find someone who loves you.

MartyHart · 23/09/2021 12:06

Ps be glad you found out before kids

PalacesOfMontezuma · 23/09/2021 12:06

The pregnancy comment is ringing serious alarm bells. Pregnancy is hard on the body, you likely will need assistance with some things and I can guarantee he will be just as huffy and unhelpful. He will also leave all the parenting to you. I would end it now as things will only get worse and it's harder to end it once you have children. You're still young and have plenty of time to meet someone who will treat you far better.

BubblesThaDragoon · 23/09/2021 12:22

I’m in a very similar relationship at the moment OP - watching with interest. I’m sick of having to do everything and knowing deep down I can’t rely on him is making me want to end it. The comment about having to rely on your mum rings so true to me! I can only imagine it’ll get worse with kids then I’ll be picking up after 3 instead of 2 🥲

EarthSight · 23/09/2021 12:27

Last night he told me that he's worried about when I'm pregnant because he will have my moaning for 9 months when he's had this after my operation for a week

Good. Fucking. Bye. Then.

I don't blame you for thinking of leaving him. He sounds selfish and lacking in empathy, the type that massively underestimate the toll pregnancy takes on women, (it's all natural, therefore you should shut up and deal with it, whilst still having a lovely smile on your face for him). It's the same type that will be sighing when they have to help you after you have a caesarian, the same type that will be impatiently looking at their watch as they count down the days when your vagina shop will be open again. With men like this, you will be seen as an inconvenience, but the relationships isn't about what he can do for you, it's about how much he can take. You will not be expected to have needs.

Where the tenderness here? The love?

Thank God you've noticed this now. You might have saved yourself years of hassle and heartache.

EarthSight · 23/09/2021 12:29

With men like this, you will be seen as an inconvenience,because the relationship isn't about what he can do for you, it's about how much he can take

EarthSight · 23/09/2021 12:30

@PalacesOfMontezuma

The pregnancy comment is ringing serious alarm bells. Pregnancy is hard on the body, you likely will need assistance with some things and I can guarantee he will be just as huffy and unhelpful. He will also leave all the parenting to you. I would end it now as things will only get worse and it's harder to end it once you have children. You're still young and have plenty of time to meet someone who will treat you far better.
@PalacesOfMontezuma

Yep, I agree that he will probably leave most of the parenting to you whilst he checks out and makes you feel like a failure for not coping with it all. Run for the hills!

Original poster
MaiZee · 23/09/2021 12:30

@BubblesThaDragoon my Mum and Dad are the only people I can 100% rely on. That's sad after such a long relationship isn't it. I feel exactly the same. I love him so much but I feel that the love I get in return isn't what I want, need or deserve.

OP posts:
JLQ1020 · 23/09/2021 12:31

I think you know by asking online what you should do. It doesn't sound like he would be a very good husband and cant imagine him helping with night feeds or anything

Original poster
MaiZee · 23/09/2021 12:31

My other worry is my friends are his friends and vice versa. We have set ourselves up in life and I would lose all of that with him. I find that difficult

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 23/09/2021 12:34

I think if you've got to the stage of having to ask us vipers you know the answer, MaiZee. The fact that he resents helping you when you most need it is very worrying for the present and for any future relationship you might have with him, which I would advise against.

I like that you've said "I feel I don't want him to waste my time", it shows that you're thinking of yourself, as you should, not fretting over things that aren't worth fretting over. I wish you a speedy recovery and much happiness Flowers

Kuachui · 23/09/2021 12:50

He thinks that's bad? Man he's in for a shock if he has kids. If he can't help you for a week he won't help you when you have kids running riot and screaming and demanding both of your attention.

SpaceOp · 23/09/2021 13:29

but why do you love him? He doesn't treat you very well so what's to love about him? I mean, I love Dh for things that are external like he makes me laugh etc, but a lot of why I love him because of the person he is - he is kind and caring, worries about the same things I do, looks after me and our DC etc. I could not love him if he didn't do those things.

Yes, if you split, you might lose some friends. But you'll keep some and he'll lose some. He clearly has no respect for you.

As my dad was caring for my mum after she was very sick, washing her, helping her to the toilet etc, I asked him if it was hard and he said, "she's been my wife for 30 years and put her body through the hell of childbirth four times so that we could have a family. What kind of a man would I be if I didn't care for her now while she needs it." That's what a man should be like.

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