Should I end the relationship?

[MaiZee]

My partner and I have been together 9 years. We are engaged. I'm 29 and he is 31 now.

I have recently had an operation and he was supportive only at times. I had to rely on my Mum to pick up bits I needed (that he had forgotten for me) and collect me from hospital. When he was home for the first few days he was good, getting me pain relief however it clearly miffed him that he had to do things for me and was very much "you'll be ok now" and asked me "can you do this and that for me", when I'm not supposed to. Last night he told me that he's worried about when I'm pregnant because he will have my moaning for 9 months when he's had this after my operation for a week. That really hurt me. I've been in a lot of pain and haven't moaned to him. My pain has been obvious but I haven't moaned about it or played on it. He now says it was a joke but I know it wasn't. He hasn't said a word to me since despite seeing me upset.

I feel that he is emotionally unavailable with me (not just at this time, but always). We've been together since I was 20 and I think he has grown in some ways in that time but not emotionally. I think that's a natural development in a relationship. He's not affectionate towards me and we haven't been intimate for months.

I have discussed all of these things with him many times and he always says he will make effort but in reality, doesn't. He is a lazy person and that floods into our relationship.

I'm 29 and I feel I don't want him to waste my time. I want to be with someone who adores me and is there for me every step of the way in life. I don't know how we can have a future "in sickness and in health" now that I feel I can't express myself to him and I can't rely on him at those times. The whole thing has just hit me like a tonne of bricks, it sounds silly but everything he does/doesn't do for me flashed before my eyes and I thought, I deserve better.

Do you have any advice please?

"My other worry is my friends are his friends and vice versa. We have set ourselves up in life and I would lose all of that with him. I find that difficult"

That will be tough but spending the next 40-50 years with an uncaring partner (or even just the wrong partner) would be infinitely harder. Your friends don't necessarily have to take sides - no doubt you'll be able to preserve at least some of the friendships. But even if you have to rebuild from scratch - that would still be better than spending a lifetime with the wrong person. And much better to make the break now than after you're married and/or have had children.

If you've bought a place together, then perhaps that will need to be sold (if neither of you can buy each other out). It's a hassle but I know plenty of people who have gone through it because they know that spending a lifetime in a relationship with the wrong person would be a source of perpetual misery and the people I know were in relationships with kind, lovable people but it was still wrong.

This man sounds selfish and rather mean - as a PP said: only interested in what he can get out of the relationship with you.

Furthermore, the pain, chaos and issues caused by splitting up with be temporary - they will pass, you will rebuild your life and you will rebuild it free to be with someone who treats you well.

You've given this relationship your 20s. Sounds like it's time to spend some time alone and in time find a relationship with someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated. Your future self will thank you.

"but why do you love him? He doesn't treat you very well so what's to love about him?"

This, too. You might find it interesting to read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Society sells women a real line about love and what it is. Longing, attraction, desire are not love. In any case, healthy people love themselves too and that's what's telling you that you can do better. It's great that you have such a healthy instinct around this.

I'm having a shit time with my DH. Your thread has reminded me about when I got rushed to hospital after we had our first DC, clearly really sick and he sat ignoring me and looking at his phone. Not in the least bit concerned, although the doctors bloody were!

Leave him and find someone amazing. Don't waste your youth on someone who is horrible to you and then ignores you.

The details make it more certain, but to be honest, anyone who is having to post on a forum to find out if they should stay with their partner shouldn't stay with their partner.

This kind of post doesn't arise if a relationship is healthy. You don't want to be with him in 20 years 'Because Mumsnet said.'

They're not your friends if they drop you because you left a poor relationship.