My partner of 10 years is never affectionate

[Macey1988]

So long story short, me and my partner have been together for 10 years and have 3 children together. Although we have a lot going on in our lives at the moment (child terminally ill, family members ill) my partner has not been the affectionate man I once knew for many years. I would say our communication is good and I have sat down countless times and explained that my feelings are hurt, as I’m the one that always reaches out for him, even little things like simple touch while watching tv. I feel like my partner only strokes my hair or even touches me in any sort of way when he’s trying to initiate sex. I love him but I’m not prepared to spend my life begging for affection. I don’t know what else to do, as I feel like a broken record. My partner always responds saying he will be more affectionate, but fast forward years and he still never is.

You have to work out if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, then you have your answer and you need to question why you're still trying to make him change when he obviously isn't motivated enough to do it.

I get it completely. I was married to a man for ten years who wasn't. It was sad, I felt empty and needy and unloved. The marriage ended (also due to his infidelity). It was amazing how he could be the old affectionate man with someone else.

If it doesn't warrant ending the relationship could you try marriage counselling? Date nights? Is he one to give massages? Take it in turns? Sounds like he's forgotten how- but only you both will know whether he's actually able to reignite it again.

He hasn’t married you after 10 years

That should tell you something

He’s not really the type to give massages, I mean he will for max about 3 minutes if I ask. Although he is a great dad. We do have good times together and always had a similar sense of humour, although I do feel it’s always me trying to get him to grow as a person and not the other way round. We haven’t married as marriage isn’t something we were really bothered about. Although we decided to get married when our son was diagnosed but then canceled due to COVID and tbh I don’t feel we both have the desire for marriage.

I’m sorry, fat fingers hit post to soon and I am aware that is dickish and horrible and I am sorry because that is a vile notification to read

What I should have added

“But, I don’t know your relationship. Have you wanted to do this? After all you have been through as a couple? I am so sorry for your child. I know a lot of say it is not for them but it sounds the romance is lacking in other ways.

What happens if you initiate cuddles and it doesn’t lead to sex?

It’s also really difficult as we can’t get a night away together as we cannot be away from our son because the nature of his condition. I know he’s depressed as he’s on anti-depressants, although I do feel it’s not too relevant as he was in affectionate before our lives have turned upside down.

Some people just aren't as touchy feely as others. My bf is like that, he likes physical contact but rarely initiates it. However, he shows care and love in lots of other ways which is his way of showing affection and care.

@Suprima haha don’t worry! Thank you, if I initiate cuddles then he will cuddle me, but it’s always me initiating. He will initiate sex (well used too) last couple months he hasn’t been. I have brought up to him so many times that I feel hurt as he will have sex with me but never cuddle, or reach out for my hand, or kiss me. I also feel when we do have sex he is completely unconnected. I just feel unloved and unattractive and undesirable. I love him but I do sit and think wow what if I was with someone who put the arms around me without asking. Is it really too much to ask for

@OrlandointheWilderness yeah he does say he loves me, but nothing about his actions makes me feel like he does. We have been together since we were 18 and he was very affectionate in the beginning that’s why I fell in love with him.

I’m so sorry about dc being terminally ill and another family member ill too. You must really need a cuddle right now.

Sometimes men aren’t good at emotion or expressing how they are feeling at the best of times. Sometimes such horrendous situations isolate them even more as they struggle to process their feelings. If he is on the spectrum he may not get that you like something he doesn’t think much about. Or understand it.

You’ve had the convo before. Nothing changes. I think it’s unlikely to in the future so you have to accept that you may have to do the asking. Or call it a day. But you’ve got so much going on just now it’s probably not the time for that.

Sorry for what you’re going through

@Elieza thank you! I think that’s why I am so confused as I feel like now isn’t the right time to even be bringing up these issues, but at the same time because of our life I do feel it’s making me think of do I just need to accept that my partner will not be affectionate without me asking repeatedly every day for a cuddle. He is a good man and has been going to counselling for past few weeks, but I’m just not sure if it will be enough for me for the future. It hurts as I love him with all my heart but I do know I won’t be happy if he can never change. Thank you all for all your very kind advice

Sorry to hear about your son

All the best op

I'm so sorry about your son. That is incredibly hard.
And of course you need to be held and wanted.
My STBExH is like this. For twenty years I put up with never being touched, held. I was pretty much celibate in addition. He never initiated sex. I felt needy and sad constantly and ugly. Then eventually I realised I couldn't spend my life feeling ugly. I thought 'maybe it isn't me?'
I'm now with someone else for the last 3 years and he holds my hand, little things like putting his arm on my back when he says good morning rather than being two metres away at all time. If I wake up during the night his arms are around me or mine round him.
It feels natural and easy and I love him for it. And it has enabled me to grow as a person.
Don't accept less. As you know, life is short and can be hard. You deserve more.

This is a personal preference and only you know if it's a real breaker for you. I'm not big on touchy feely, if I'm watching TV I don't want someone's hand on my leg/feet in my lap/arm around my shoulders, if I'm trying to sleep I servicemen don't want someone breathing in my ear, making me hot, waking me up. DH and I did used to hold hands when we were out but that became less when a pram came into the mix. I just can't stand being touched all the time, massages, pedicures etc are my worst nightmare, I also really hate going to the hairdresser and they give you a head massage, just cut my hair stop rubbing my scalp. It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, I do very much. Luckily he doesn't mind and I make sure to give him a kiss before work every day and before bed every night so he's not completely starved of affection outside of sex, in on with that but would also be ok without.

@Sampafie excuse me, because I have a child that’s dying means I don’t receive any affection for the past 6 years. What I have been through in life and going through puts everything into perspective that life is to short to spend being miserable. You sound like an arsehole

Too*

Also, I know life is complicated and cuddling is probably the last thing on my partners mind. Although I go out my way to ensure my partner feels loved because I want to and because life is hard. I wouldn’t want him going through a hard time and for me to be so distant, I ensure he knows I’m there for him and always go out my way to cuddle / touch him.

@KingdomScrolls yeah I completely understand that some people don’t desire affection, I do feel my partner is like this. I do go gutted as for the first maybe 4 years of our relationship he was very loving and affectionate. I’m not overly needy, a cuddle throughout the day without asking for one or me giving him one, would make me feel like he actually wants one. It’s so complicated as life is so difficult and obviously depression probably has a part in it. I think I feel more hurt as I have repeated myself for years even before life was difficult and still it never changes. I wouldn’t not want to be with him, but if I never get any affection then I will feel invisible forever. Thank you for everyone’s nice kind words, I appreciate the advice

Wow. Coming through with the insults already. Does that conform with MN guidelines?

I'm so sorry you're in this position. You need to feel valued and wanted and loved. I get that. And it's soul destroying to feel you're always the one making the effort.

You've put your feelings down very clearly here, and I imagine you're been just as clear with your DP. Does he realise he risks losing you? Can he explain why he only seems to touch you when he wants sex? Does he understand that's unfair of him?

I'm so sorry about your child's diagnosis OP, what a terrible hand your family has been dealt 💐. You sound lovely and both of you are clearly excellent parents, but struggling. You, perfectly naturally, need loving support in a way that suits you, but your DH is currently not able to give you that. You need some help as a couple.

Our eldest DC developed cancer at 7. We focused on supporting her and her sisters with all our might. We didn't think about each other or our relationship, there wasn't space. And when the crisis was over - 9 years later - there was nothing left of us 😢. I strongly feel that if we had had psychological support as individuals, as a couple and as a family, our relationship would have survived. So: are there such services on offer in your area? Can you demand them? Is that why he is having counselling? Could you have it together?

@Sampafie you were well out of order

@Sampafie Your initial comment was hideously insensitive as well as stupid and OP's assessment of you was correct.

OP it makes complete sense that you are craving physical affection & intimacy given what you're going through, my heart went out to you reading this post. If you have tried laying it all out for your husband and telling him just how much this is affecting you that must be even more upsetting for you.

@Sampafie what is wrong with you? This lady has a dying child and is desperate for love and affection from her partner who never ever touches her. It’s distressing. You are not helping. I think you’ve been incredibly cruel and you need to stop. I’m sorry OP. I’m really sorry for your terrible situation. Do you think joint counselling could help?