My partner of 10 years is never affectionate

[Macey1988]

So long story short, me and my partner have been together for 10 years and have 3 children together. Although we have a lot going on in our lives at the moment (child terminally ill, family members ill) my partner has not been the affectionate man I once knew for many years. I would say our communication is good and I have sat down countless times and explained that my feelings are hurt, as I’m the one that always reaches out for him, even little things like simple touch while watching tv. I feel like my partner only strokes my hair or even touches me in any sort of way when he’s trying to initiate sex. I love him but I’m not prepared to spend my life begging for affection. I don’t know what else to do, as I feel like a broken record. My partner always responds saying he will be more affectionate, but fast forward years and he still never is.

Thank you everyone else for being so understanding. Looking at all the other posts @JustThisLastLittleBit] I am so sorry your family had to go through such a tough time also, Sending you big hugs, you sound like a lovely person. I said to my partner months ago about couples therapy and he did reply why would we go together, he just didn’t get it. I was pissed off and told him the way he dismisses everything makes it hard for me to cope, he apologised. I talked him in to getting therapy as he was very depressed and I couldn’t get him to open up much. I am worried if he doesn’t listen to me now, how will we be when our son dies, it makes me scared for the future. When I ask him why he never touches me or affectionate he just says he doesn’t know and he will “try” be more affectionate but that’s what I hear every time. I don’t want to be too harsh on him, as I don’t mean for him to sit cuddling me all day, although I feel without affection it’s more of a friendship rather than relationship.

Don’t know what happened to my comment there! Looking at @Sampafie other posts, they seem to be very negative on most peoples posts. Bad days when I have a dying child and can be a much better person than you. Must suck being mean to other people you don’t know. Cheer up

Op I'm so sorry to hear about your son. You all must be going through hell.

I'm similar to @KingdomScrolls (excellent Dead Pixels ref!) in that I'm not keen on being touched outside of sex. However, when I've been in relationships, I've made the effort to be more tactile with my partner because I'm aware that most people need that.

I do think if you've had this conversation with him repeatedly and nothing has changed, he may not have it in him to meet your needs, but perhaps when he's feeling a bit better from his counselling he might be more able to adapt?

It doesn't sound like he doesn't love you and I don't think it's unusual for people to be more physically affectionate in the early years of a relationship. Also you were 18 when you met so I'm assuming it was the first serious relationship for both of you, possibly the first sexual relationship as well? I remember at that age I was a lot more touchy-feely with my first proper boyfriend as I had about 5 years of teenage sexual frustration to get rid of!

Do you think joint counselling would be an option? It might help you find a compromise that works for both of you. Plus you could also explore how you can both support each other better at this very difficult time in your family. 💐

I would really push for couples therapy OP. To care for your sick child and for his poor siblings your partnership needs to continue to work, let alone for your own perfectly appropriate and very important needs. He may not understand the need for it but that shouldn't mean it doesn't happen: he can learn the value of it as part of the therapy.

Have you read up on the love languages stuff? That we show affection in dif ways eg acts of service? It might mean that he shows affection in other ways and that might make you feel a bit better. Time just the two of you is so key isn’t it. Sorry it’s so hard at the moment

I also think huge amounts of sadness/stress ( and I so feel for you both) can affect libido and affection. Some people become even more needing of touch and affection and that kind of reassurance and others seem to distance themselves, partly I think because their emotional side kind of shuts down . I have had some really sad things happen in life and I am not touchy/feely and I think at some point my brain decided to distance myself somewhat from people I am actually very close to , I don’t like hugs and yet I am actually a really warm Person - I just am not keen on physical affection— is your partner a warm person generally OP ??