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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD - Estranged from family, but BIL about to die - Do I contact Sister?

45 replies

thecranberries · 22/09/2021 15:31

What would you do? I'm estranged from birth family - host of reasons, mainly cultural, but I'm chilled about it.

Just found out BIL is about to die (Covid, ventilator).

Should I contact sister and give my condolences even though I don't particularly like her because of things she's said and done, and her forcing the estrangement from rest of family, or do I recognise that it's sad, and leave it at that?

I have no emotional connection, or positive memories of the family. What's the 'protocol' / expectations around death? Never experienced one before.

OP posts:
EllieSattler · 22/09/2021 15:34

No, I don't think so. Going by your post she won't want your condolences and is likely to be upset/angered by them.

purplesequins · 22/09/2021 15:35

send a card after bil death.
she can then either discard it or not but might be comforted by the gesture.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 22/09/2021 15:35

Tough. Which would you look back and wish you had done/not done? As in will you regret more not getting in touch or getting in touch?

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 22/09/2021 15:36

I am NC with my family too.

In this situation I wouldn't contact my family.

It wouldn't make them feel better, in fact it may make them feel worse, and it definitely
wouldn't make me feel better so there would be no point.

Theunamedcat · 22/09/2021 15:36

Are you fond of him at all?

Personally I wouldn't if she has been bad to you in the past she might focus her grief onto causing an argument with you and make things worse (seen that happen before sadly)

Ask yourself realistically what has changed here

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 22/09/2021 15:37

Depends if you can do it without it coming across as disingenuous. So “so sorry to hear about John, keeping you all in my thoughts” would be standard for someone you have a relationship with but if you’re neither sorry nor thinking about them it may be better to say nothing, or hold off until after he’s passed and send a brief “sorry for your loss” message.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 22/09/2021 15:39

Imo it would be pretty selfish even inadvertently to give her something else to have to 'deal with'.... Presumably if she wanted your support she could contact you..

LookAtMoiPloise · 22/09/2021 15:41

I'm NC with several members of my family, and no, I wouldn't contact them if it were me.

heldinadream · 22/09/2021 15:42

I'm no contact with my birth family and have been for many, many years. There've been some deaths in that time. If they're brought to my attention by a family member (one has my email address and some seek me out on FB) I say something like 'I'm sorry to hear that' but I never go out of my way to send any condolences and I've never had the impression that they're expecting me to. Most of them seem quite unbothered by the lack of contact which is now well established.

billy1966 · 22/09/2021 16:08

@EllieSattler

No, I don't think so. Going by your post she won't want your condolences and is likely to be upset/angered by them.
This.

Don't do it.

PennyWus · 22/09/2021 16:19

No

GinIronic · 22/09/2021 16:22

No. You are NC for a reason.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 22/09/2021 16:36

In your situation, I wouldn’t. I am NC with certain family members and when one of them died, I didn’t send condolences or a card or anything. I did feel a little guilty about it, but I thought, would they do the same for me? And in this case, the answer was no.

BurntO · 22/09/2021 16:38

If you don’t care, don’t pretend you do.

HollowTalk · 22/09/2021 16:38

Will she know you're aware of his illness?

FWBNC · 22/09/2021 16:43

I think it depends who is NC with who & why really. No one here can answer what you should/shouldn't do.

If you are the one that made the decision to no NC then I'd say, do what feels the least wrong to you, but if they chose to go NC then I wouldn't contact them.

How do you feel about your BIL?

Floralnomad · 22/09/2021 16:45

Absolutely not , it would be completely out of order .

M0rT · 22/09/2021 16:47

I've seen previously very close family take their grief out on one another in situations like this so I wouldn't.

OfficerByrd · 22/09/2021 16:48

Noooooooo! Asking for trouble. It will (wrongly) look a bit ghoulish as if you want to be there for the macabre drama.

Send a card after the death.

Sorry about your bil. Even though you don't know or like him, that must be horrible news.

Justilou1 · 22/09/2021 16:49

You will be accused of being a vulture. Sorry.

sammylady37 · 22/09/2021 16:52

No, don’t get in touch.
Either they’ve gone NC with you, in which case they’ve made it clear they’re not interested in contact with you or you’ve chosen to go NC with them, in which case they’ve had to accept that and make their peace with it and the last thing they will need at a time like this is you appearing - it will look like you’re turning up at the end to assuage your conscience, or to make a point so that they couldn’t ever say ‘she didn’t even turn up when…’ etc. It’s unlikely to go down well.

DrWankincense · 22/09/2021 16:53

No.
I've thought about this a lot as I'm NC with some of my family.
It is just another source of stress and upset for someone, despite that you don't like them anyway, so what is the point?
The motivation?
I get that it's perhaps expected and you may feel damned if you do/don't sort of thing but to me it's a bit hypocritical iyswim?
Hope that makes sense.

ChargingBuck · 22/09/2021 17:23

No.

NC means NC.

It's not circumstantial - it means those people are permanently out of your life, & all comms from them cease forever. Death of a 3rd party, whether they were also NC with you or not, does not change that. It wont do any of you any good - leave it be.

Its reasonable for you to wonder though.
It's very hard to not think about those we are NC with 100% out of our minds. Death & its inevitable loss of choice over whether we might ever communicate with that person again is bound to re-kindle some of those thoughts.

But this is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't scenarios. So do what is easiest for you - stay NC.

It's hard though isn't it. I'm pretty sure an NC family member is going to pop up when an older, mutual relative dies. If I respond - opportunity for drama & recriminations. If I don't respond - opportunity for drama & recriminations by sucking other family members into it.
They'll be told how mean I am for ignoring the death. But if I don't ignore it, they tell everyone how mean I am for wanting to muscle in. So what the heck - I'll stay NC, & not have to deal with the bullshit!

EmeraldRaine · 22/09/2021 17:27

You're either NC or you're not.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2021 17:30

Absolutely not. I seriously doubt your sister wants to hear from you. You're NC for good reason, stay that way.