Page 2 | WWYD - Estranged from family, but BIL about to die - Do I contact Sister?

thecranberries · 2021-09-22T14:31:39+00:00

What would you do? I'm estranged from birth family - host of reasons, mainly cultural, but I'm chilled about it. Just found out BIL is about to die (Covid, ventilator). Should I contact sister and give my condolences even though I don't particularly like her because of things she's said and done, and her forcing the estrangement from rest of family, or do I recognise that it's sad, and leave it at that? I have no emotional connection, or positive memories of the family. What's the 'protocol' / expectations around death? Never experienced one before.

SunbathingDragon · 22/09/2021 17:31

No. As PP say, you are no contact.

simitra · 22/09/2021 17:43

I would follow the advice of other posters and do nothing at this stage. Send a briefly worded sympathy card after the relative has passed.

I was NC with my mother at the time of her passing. I was away working in Europe at that time (no smart phones then thank heavens) and my family had no way to contact me. I returned to find that my BIL had sent the police to my flat when they were unable to contact me by phone. The officer had left a note for me to contact my family. I left it several more days before I did. No one had any way of knowing exactly when I returned. They didnt even know who my employer was. By the time I did contact them the funeral had taken place and all the family drama with it.

Sometimes it is best to be "away" and out of communication on these traumatic occasions. Ive escaped a number of family arguments by being "away in Europe".

girlmom21 · 22/09/2021 17:50

I wouldn't contact her. Any way you look at it it'd be selfish on your part and won't be helpful or reassuring for her.

WingingItEveryDay7 · 22/09/2021 18:02

How did you find out he has covid and is on a ventilator? I think it depends on this.

My mum was NC with her dad for years and was tracked down by family to be told he was seriously ill. She did speak to him before he died but didn't attend his funeral.

My point is, if you've found out via family then they obviously want you to know, and a card or something may be appreciated. If you've found out via word of mouth then I would agree with PP and not do or send anything until he has passed away x

Snickers94 · 22/09/2021 18:50

I think it depends on if you'd also be okay with the idea of being in contact with them again. Say your sister didn't react badly, and wanted to put the past behind her and make amends, would you be happy to do that? If not, I don't see the point in making contact.

This isn't the same situation but a friend I had a bad fall out with connected with me when she heard my dad passed away and at the time I just didn't care about any bad blood and we stayed in touch after that.

Original poster

thecranberries · 22/09/2021 19:12

@HollowTalk

Will she know you're aware of his illness?

My brother sent brief text. We've had no mutual communication for years, but out of the blue, he sent this. Makes me think, do the estranged family want me to know? If so, should I just ignore 'what one does when someone dies' protocol? As I said, never dealt with a death before.

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Vickles20 · 22/09/2021 19:16

Sorry for being slow… is NC no contact?

Original poster

thecranberries · 22/09/2021 19:17

@FWBNC

I think it depends who is NC with who & why really. No one here can answer what you should/shouldn't do.

If you are the one that made the decision to no NC then I'd say, do what feels the least wrong to you, but if they chose to go NC then I wouldn't contact them.

How do you feel about your BIL?

Meh...re BIL. Sister chose him. They chose to be NC, as I said because I made 'culturally' different choices than they did, hence our difference in many areas of our lives.
My current thinking is that if estranged family actively ask me to do something - ie attend funeral, then I will consider, but huge emotional sore will be opened. But if they ask, then a polite appearance may be ok. But if there is no 'invitation', then I think I'll leave it as they obviously want it that way. Thank you for helping me consider options.

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Sicario · 22/09/2021 19:21

I would say no, do not contact. Going no contact is really hard - not just on you, but also on the people you detach from. I am NC with my birth family so I understand where you are coming from.

It's hard, but no - do not contact. No good will come of it.

Original poster

thecranberries · 22/09/2021 19:22

@Snickers94

I think it depends on if you'd also be okay with the idea of being in contact with them again. Say your sister didn't react badly, and wanted to put the past behind her and make amends, would you be happy to do that? If not, I don't see the point in making contact.

This isn't the same situation but a friend I had a bad fall out with connected with me when she heard my dad passed away and at the time I just didn't care about any bad blood and we stayed in touch after that.

Yeah, I get that. If sister 'invited' me to funeral, then maybe I'd consider it and maybe it might be a time for not caring about bad blood - but I'd only do that for my DD's sake, as DD's feels - at times - like she's missed out re this. Honestly, for me, I haven't got time for the emotional rollercoaster that could erupt. Just wanted to know if there was an 'expected' way to behave, and if so what it would be. But it seems most have come down on the side of leaving it. Thanks for advice.

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Original poster

thecranberries · 22/09/2021 19:24

@WingingItEveryDay7

How did you find out he has covid and is on a ventilator? I think it depends on this.

My mum was NC with her dad for years and was tracked down by family to be told he was seriously ill. She did speak to him before he died but didn't attend his funeral.

My point is, if you've found out via family then they obviously want you to know, and a card or something may be appreciated. If you've found out via word of mouth then I would agree with PP and not do or send anything until he has passed away x

That's my 'dilemma' - estranged sibling sent text. And whilst thinking about this, I think your idea of sending a card may be the way to go. Don't want to do anything today as 'end of life' call came earlier this afternoon, so obviously estranged family are dealing with this now. Thanks for advice.

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Notaroadrunner · 22/09/2021 19:24

I'd stay NC. We are NC with a family member. They were told not to attend a funeral (not related to them) yet turned up. I was furious as it was all for show - they didn't even sympathise with anyone. If I heard they were ill I doubt Dh or I would turn up to see them. It would be hypocritical imo. If a person isn't worth making amends with while in the good of their health, what's the point when they or their family are dying? The reasons for going NC haven't changed and they aren't likely to have had a personality transplant in order to make them reasonable people.

Original poster

thecranberries · 22/09/2021 19:25

@simitra

I would follow the advice of other posters and do nothing at this stage. Send a briefly worded sympathy card after the relative has passed.

I was NC with my mother at the time of her passing. I was away working in Europe at that time (no smart phones then thank heavens) and my family had no way to contact me. I returned to find that my BIL had sent the police to my flat when they were unable to contact me by phone. The officer had left a note for me to contact my family. I left it several more days before I did. No one had any way of knowing exactly when I returned. They didnt even know who my employer was. By the time I did contact them the funeral had taken place and all the family drama with it.

Sometimes it is best to be "away" and out of communication on these traumatic occasions. Ive escaped a number of family arguments by being "away in Europe".

Thank you for advice - think this is the way I will handle it - if I find out about it. I've had a text saying 'end of life' so I presume it's happening / happened this afternoon.

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Chloemol · 22/09/2021 19:38

If she formally tells you, then a card etc

If she doesn’t then don’t do anything

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 22/09/2021 19:42

I'm NC with my sister. I would hate to get a card from her if my OH were dieing. It would feel disingenuous and just an extra pressure (I'd worry that she would then call me or something when I already have enough to deal with). The very fact that you're considering this suggests that you are less comfortable with the NC than you might think though?

BuffyTheBuffetSlayer · 22/09/2021 19:49

This happened twice in my family. 1st time my DM, who was NC with her family, received a call from her sibling advising her other sibling was in hospital near death. She went to the hospital and everyone made up. 2nd time, another massive sibling fallout (DM not involved), one sibling in hospice at end of life so the NC sibling was contacted, and again after they died. NC sibling chose to ignore which caused a lot of upset and sadness between the remaining brothers and sisters. But clearly my family are strange

Original poster

thecranberries · 22/09/2021 20:20

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

I'm NC with my sister. I would hate to get a card from her if my OH were dieing. It would feel disingenuous and just an extra pressure (I'd worry that she would then call me or something when I already have enough to deal with). The very fact that you're considering this suggests that you are less comfortable with the NC than you might think though?

Thanks for advice. Think I'm only concerned about NC because DD missed out on cousins/events/memories, but for me, I'm chilled about it.

Just heard from dear cousin that BIL died a little while ago. No contact from estranged family, so I presumed they still happy with NC situation. Which is fine by me. Sad when anyone dies from awful Covid.

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Original poster

thecranberries · 22/09/2021 20:24

@BuffyTheBuffetSlayer

This happened twice in my family. 1st time my DM, who was NC with her family, received a call from her sibling advising her other sibling was in hospital near death. She went to the hospital and everyone made up. 2nd time, another massive sibling fallout (DM not involved), one sibling in hospice at end of life so the NC sibling was contacted, and again after they died. NC sibling chose to ignore which caused a lot of upset and sadness between the remaining brothers and sisters. But clearly my family are strange

Thanks for sharing. Just goes to show how mad birth families are!

Can get very philosophical about such situations, but I'm choosing to not have any emotional strain at my door.

If they contact me, then I may feel differently, but as it stands now - dear cousin informed me BIL died a while ago - estranged family didn't inform me - so obviously have a lot to process.

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dogmandu · 22/09/2021 20:32

you sound like a nice person for even thinking about this. I would do it. Sometimes these gestures are what restores our faith in humanity.

Porcupineintherough · 23/09/2021 00:51

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Imo it would be pretty selfish even inadvertently to give her something else to have to 'deal with'.... Presumably if she wanted your support she could contact you..

^^This. NC isnt a game, you dont just get to swap in when you feel like it.