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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't love me anymore

45 replies

Solosthere · 22/09/2021 14:48

Sorry in advance for a long one..
Some background - we've been together 11 years, I have a 12 year old son from previous relationship and we have a 4 year old daughter together.
My husband has depression due to losing his dream job 4 years ago and things haven't been the same since. He's been through counselling and has recently started antidepressants (although he didn't want to) due to feeling suicidal and that he never feels happy.
We have very low contact with my mother as she has always had a problem with my husband and has constantly put him down and upset the family in generally being very toxic. I'm only in contact with her to let the children see their grandparents a few times a month. They love their grandparents.
About a year ago we had a big discussion about us and what was going on as we hadn't been speaking much or being intimate for a long while and my husband said that he wasn't in love with me but that he wanted to try make it work.
We've been going on dates and communicating lots better and have had a nice year I would say.
In July however my husband got drunk and called me from a friend's house and basically told me that he didn't love me still. I was devastated and upset, the next day he didn't remember the conversation apologised and then said he felt so embarrassed he didn't want to talk about it.
Since then, there has been a girl from his new work that seems to be popping up a lot on his social media, he takes her home from work sometimes and to the pub etc
And she sent him an expensive gift to our home when he was poorly.
I noticed she had blocked me on social media last week and brought it up with my husband to see if he knew why and said I had a gut feeling that they were getting close. I snooped on his phone a few years ago and saw he had told a different woman from work that she was beautiful. He was angry with me for going on his phone and nothing got resolved.
He lost it with me and said he goes out to provide for our family and nothing he does is good enough and that he can't believe I don't trust him. He said that he doesn't think we're compatible anymore as I have trust issues and he doesn't think we will work out long term.
We've now gone a week without speaking much. Last night he told me that if I want to even try and make things work I've got to cut my mum completely out of our children's lives as she's toxic and to prove that I'm supporting him. I just don't think that's fair to the kids, I've already lost my own relationship with my mum by supporting him and not putting up with how she's treated him and just don't think it's fair to cut the kids off like that from their grandad who they adore too.
I'm just so lost with what to even think or say. I've suggested counselling for my trust issues and our marriage issues but he isn't interested.
I want to make things work long term, I know he's not going to feel sad and depressed forever and I love him as a person underneath all that, he's a kind person and funny.
I just don't feel like he likes me as a person and doesn't love me anymore.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 22/09/2021 14:53

I think thats a long post to say he doesnt love me, doesnt treat me well and i feel sad and crap about that but i want to make it work.

He's emotionally checked out and it seems likely he's interested in someone else

I wish i could give you a replay you want but you end to end this and move on. you are in a loveless situation and you deserve better.

AmIteallythatstupid · 22/09/2021 14:57

I was blocked once by a girl at my husbands work. He was completely bemused , couldn't offer up any explanation, then eventually made out i was being 'difficult and untrusting' i backed down and let it go but i made it very clear to him that i found the whole situation fishy. Turns out eightly so, as 2 years later i found out they had had a ONS just previous to me being blocked. Men are very good at giving a hurt performance to cover there tracks xx

girlmom21 · 22/09/2021 14:58

He's telling you to cut off your mom as a power play because he feels like he holds the cards right now.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/09/2021 15:19

Maybe your mum has been right about him?!

Whatever, you aren't happy, he doesn't love you and is trying to cut you off from your family.

Take the matter out of his hands. You can't want to share your life with a man who has told you he doesn't live you, can you? So make your own life, sod him and his contrariness.

EKGEMS · 22/09/2021 15:35

@Solosthere Your husband has made it very clear you and the children aren't his first priority it's all about him. Wouldn't shock me at all that part of his devastation over losing his "dream" job is he lost contact with a female coworker there much like the one he's obviously involved with currently. Hell would freeze over before I tolerated my husband to accept a expensive present from a female colleague. Find your anger ad self worth-get therapy and get to a divorce attorney-you and the children deserve much better than that pig

ravenmum · 22/09/2021 15:50

Doesn't sound like you have trust issues; sounds more like he has fidelity issues.
What was it your mum didn't like about him?

Bagelsandbrie · 22/09/2021 15:50

He’s been telling you he doesn’t love you for a long time now and you’re not listening. I’m sorry that’s really harsh but it’s the truth. He’s waiting for you to leave. You deserve better. Leave and don’t cut your Mum out.

Original poster
Solosthere · 22/09/2021 16:08

Thank you for your replies.
My mum didn't like him to start as we were very on and off in the beginning and she felt he was messing me around.
Over the years its just gone from bad to worse with her attacking his character saying that he needs to change in certain as he's too serious or that he should just get over the loss of his dream job and he happy with the life he has. He's retrained and has a great job now, just not what he wanted.
I wouldn't be completely close to my mum regardless of my husband unfortunately as she is very hurtful and attacks me too and then just wants things forgotten about the next day. It's a vicious cycle with her so had to step back to protect myself and my family, but then she is a lovely grandma and the kids love their grandad too.
I'm a SAHM for the past 3 years and feel like I've supported him with his depression up and down and have felt at times that I didn't love him very much either maybe but stuck around because I wanted to make the marriage work and the small moments of happiness we do get when things are good.
The expensive present was brushed off as a gift from the whole office but I'm dubious as I saw the invoice when it arrived with this particular girls name on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Solosthere · 22/09/2021 16:11

I know what you're saying about the telling me he doesn't love me for a while but I'm not listening... When I've brought that up this week that this is the reason I'm feeling like I'm not secure in our relationship and feeling uneasy about this other woman is because of the things he's said his answer is that his actions of going out to work every day and carrying on despite his mental health and he let me son have a cat even though he really didn't want any pets he said he did it because he loves us and his actions should have been enough proof that he loves me and our family and how could I question his character. That I'm just like my mum pulling him apart nothing is ever good enough.

OP posts:
SouthSideSally · 22/09/2021 16:16

Life is too short for this. How many times is he going to tell you he doesn't love you before you listen and do something about it. He sounds like he wants you to make the first move because that fits with his image of himself as a victim.

ravenmum · 22/09/2021 16:18

we were very on and off in the beginning and she felt he was messing me around
This still seems pretty accurate.

Does you husband want you to drop your mum now because he thinks she's encouraging you to criticise him?

PennyWus · 22/09/2021 16:19

The phrase 'flogging a dead horse' comes to mind. He sounds self-absorbed, unpleasant and possibly untrustworthy.

Would you be able to go back to work now your youngest is 4? It might do you good to establish some financial independence.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/09/2021 16:20

It is possible that, no matter how hard your mum is to live with, she was right about him being wrong for you.

A stopped clock and all that.

It sounds like a bloody hard place to be in, 💐

ravenmum · 22/09/2021 16:21

his actions should have been enough proof that he loves me and our family and how could I question his character
So he distracted you with some other unrelated point, then turned things around so that you are the bad person. Smooth strategy. Did he actually deny meeting this woman?

Original poster
Solosthere · 22/09/2021 16:26

I've been applying for jobs, I was in a temporary position for 6 months over the last winter so that was something.
He knows she's not actively criticising him now as he knows I don't have that relationship with her anymore where I would allow her to do that, I think cutting her off from kids now has more to do with he thinks she's a horrible person who gossips and says nasty things about people and he doesn't want the kids exposed to that. He also feels like she would love to stab him in the back any opportunity that she gets.
I know what you're all saying, my friend has said the same. I guess because he's been so low the last 2 months in particular and feeling suicidal going on these tablets maybe I'm just holding on to hope that he's not in his right mind and that maybe there is a way forward when he starts feeling more stable. I feel like it's my fault for accusing him of being close to someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Solosthere · 22/09/2021 16:27

He said the girl at work is a friend and that he's been so pulled apart by horrible people in this town that if he finds someone kind he doesn't care what gender they are he is going to be kind back to them and be their friend.
He says she must have blocked me because I've watched a story or something and she's found it weird that I've looked on her page.
I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 22/09/2021 16:37

The fact he's taking another woman to the pub...just that alone without any of the other stuff...would make me end it.

I really think you need to stop making excuses for him and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Just the drunken phone call is too much

He's behaving horribly then saying cos he pays the bills he's entitled to??

How nasty. You deserve better. He is showing you no respect.

ravenmum · 22/09/2021 16:49

It's the combination, OP: he's met up with her AND he told you he doesn't love you. The two are connected.

My exh was also miserable when he was pining over his affair partner and felt as if I was the one thing holding him back from having a great time with her.

ravenmum · 22/09/2021 16:52

he's been so pulled apart by horrible people in this town that he's going to the pub with another woman.

Sob story to make you the baddie if you stop him going.
My exh did this, too.

Google the signs of an affair and see how many boxes he ticks.

Original poster
Solosthere · 22/09/2021 16:56

Sorry.. For context he isn't just going just the two of them, there is a group of them that go every week on a Thursday and he happens to give this girl a lift.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 22/09/2021 17:04

Still highly suspicious. Confronting them with suspicions does nothing in any case, though. He's shown you that he'll just deny it and turn it back on you. You need to keep your thoughts on that to yourself unless it becomes more obvious or you have proof.

He's not interested in counselling; probably wants you to stay the baddy and knows it's pointless as he has some other future in mind.

You've stuck around when you weren't happy so far; what's your limit?

Mischance · 22/09/2021 17:20

People who are suffering from depression don't love themselves, let alone anyone else.

The real question is - do you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I was married to a depressed and anxious man, and sometimes he did or proposed strange things that were designed to make him feel better. Rational decisions went out of the window at times. I stuck by him; indeed supported him when he could no longer cope with work - we had to move house to release capital (disrupting all the children), and I had to increase my work hours.

It is your future and you have decisions to make. I made mine; and have only mild regrets, now that he has died. I managed to keep our home and family life intact and my dear children are now happy adults. The difference was that I think he did love me - he caused me lots of problems and challenges, but I think he was essentially loyal to me. I am not saying that he was not tempted elsewhere, but I think he knew I was a solid bet.

We were a sort of team - a bit lopsided at times - but a team nevertheless.

Living with someone who is depressed is not easy at all. You can only commit to this for your future if you are getting something out of it. And if your DC is gaining from it.

Treacletoots · 22/09/2021 18:22

Oh dear. You're so used to worrying about him that you're really struggling to see the wood for the trees OP.

He's into the girl at work. He's blaming you as the reason they're not together. He's using your toxic mother as a further reason to play the victim. I get you with your mother. I've been NC with mine for a decade, but this is a red herring.

He is currently playing the victim, next you'll get the script. Please please look up relationship 180 because the only way you will come through this positively is if you realise what he's up to and get one step ahead.

I'm sorry OP, but he doesn't like you, doesn't love you and doesn't respect you. Why do you want to be with this man? Turn the tables on him and tell him youve decided the relationship is no longer working for you and see how quickly he changes his tune. They always do when they realise they're no longer the ones calling the shots. Please for the love of God don't do the pick me dance .

Opentooffers · 22/09/2021 18:50

He's spouting some BS. If he were a single man, would he not still be working for a living? How are the basic routines of life proof of devotion?
He's said he doesn't love you more than once, and not coincidentally at times when his head is getting turned by someone else.
I'd end it on the basis that he has no loyalty, and because a relationship without trust, is quite a shit situation to live with. Trust is everything, but he alone has broken it, it's totally fair that you have ended up feeling insecure. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but on/off relationships are not likely to develop stable futures.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2021 18:54

Why do you want to make things work with a cheater? Seriously, why? He's playing you for an absolute fool, having an inappropriate relationship in front of your face, and then gaslighting you to make you believe that you are the cause of his every problem. He's been a shit husband for years, and you want more of this?

You should have listened to your mother. Your marriage is doomed.