Husband doesn't love me anymore

[Solosthere]

Sorry in advance for a long one..
Some background - we've been together 11 years, I have a 12 year old son from previous relationship and we have a 4 year old daughter together.
My husband has depression due to losing his dream job 4 years ago and things haven't been the same since. He's been through counselling and has recently started antidepressants (although he didn't want to) due to feeling suicidal and that he never feels happy.
We have very low contact with my mother as she has always had a problem with my husband and has constantly put him down and upset the family in generally being very toxic. I'm only in contact with her to let the children see their grandparents a few times a month. They love their grandparents.
About a year ago we had a big discussion about us and what was going on as we hadn't been speaking much or being intimate for a long while and my husband said that he wasn't in love with me but that he wanted to try make it work.
We've been going on dates and communicating lots better and have had a nice year I would say.
In July however my husband got drunk and called me from a friend's house and basically told me that he didn't love me still. I was devastated and upset, the next day he didn't remember the conversation apologised and then said he felt so embarrassed he didn't want to talk about it.
Since then, there has been a girl from his new work that seems to be popping up a lot on his social media, he takes her home from work sometimes and to the pub etc
And she sent him an expensive gift to our home when he was poorly.
I noticed she had blocked me on social media last week and brought it up with my husband to see if he knew why and said I had a gut feeling that they were getting close. I snooped on his phone a few years ago and saw he had told a different woman from work that she was beautiful. He was angry with me for going on his phone and nothing got resolved.
He lost it with me and said he goes out to provide for our family and nothing he does is good enough and that he can't believe I don't trust him. He said that he doesn't think we're compatible anymore as I have trust issues and he doesn't think we will work out long term.
We've now gone a week without speaking much. Last night he told me that if I want to even try and make things work I've got to cut my mum completely out of our children's lives as she's toxic and to prove that I'm supporting him. I just don't think that's fair to the kids, I've already lost my own relationship with my mum by supporting him and not putting up with how she's treated him and just don't think it's fair to cut the kids off like that from their grandad who they adore too.
I'm just so lost with what to even think or say. I've suggested counselling for my trust issues and our marriage issues but he isn't interested.
I want to make things work long term, I know he's not going to feel sad and depressed forever and I love him as a person underneath all that, he's a kind person and funny.
I just don't feel like he likes me as a person and doesn't love me anymore.

I’m going to be blunt. I say this because my experience was very similar. If this woman and your husband are saying they are friends, it means that they are involved but haven’t got physical yet. What you are describing is an emotional affair. It’s textbook, his shifting blame to you and using your mum as an excuse for his behaviour is his mind coming up with reasons to justify what he’s doing.
Right now your mind is trying to rationalise what’s happening by questioning whether your actions have led to his behaviour.. they haven’t.
Now you have two options, try and make the marry work or separate.

Maze76 is spot on

It happened to me

Trust me there is something on with this girl

Run for the hills

He's told you twice he doesn't love you, why are you still hanging on?
Your Mum is right about him, and he's clearly seeing someone else. You don't have trust issues, he is not trustworthy.

My boyfriend of fifteen years (we've got three kids) is still very clearly in love with his affair partner, but to be fair to the poor sod, he's doing everything, word and deed, to conceal it because he's doing his best to make it work. It's not going to, but at least he's not ringing me up drunk to tell me he doesn't love me, ffs. He doesn't love you. You should leave. And I'd re-examine why you've fallen out with your mum, frankly.

He's told me tonight that he wants to seperate as he can't believe I've made him feel this bad and forced him into this decision. I'm devastated.

Oh for gods sake @Solosthere! It’s bollocks. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve put up with his shit for years. You have not forced him into anything.
Please don’t feel bad or like you’ve ruined things. This is all his fault.

Well it looks like your mother spotted the red flags and you didn't.

He's trying to turn it onto you, but it's him. He's the problem, not your mother, not you, him.

So he's getting out before you get proof of his affair, while he can still claim that it is your fault.

It's a shame you didn't get any evidence, as that makes things a lot clearer. But at least, if he really does leave, it means you won't spend as long in limbo, with him continuing to gaslight you worse and worse until you fall apart. I know that doesn't feel reassuring, but the limbo is nasty.

He may find that when he goes to his new gf with the good news that he has left, she is not as delighted as expected, or not as willing to put him up for free, or just gets fed up with him when she has to spend more time with him. If he comes running back saying that he has changed his mind and it was all a mistake, this may be what has happened.

My exh wasn't having an emotional affair, they were sleeping with each other at the stage when he claimed they were just friends. Watch out for STDs. Also keep an eye out on your finances to check he doesn't transfer any large amounts of money out of your account.

Do you have any support from friends or family?

I think some of us are forgetting in our tone that OP is devastated. And probably reeling and scared. And has come here for support.

Even though we are all supporting...a gentler tone might really help.

OP...of course you are devastated. You loved him. Years of your life. Kids. So much to think about.

Please keep reaching out and if this thread becomes unproductive, start a new one.

People reading this truly believe, despite the pain right now, that you will be better off without him. He sounds horrible. But it's not that simple for you.

Take care.

Personally I'd rather not discuss exactly how devastated OP is this late at night, as it brings back too many bad memories. All I have to offer right now is some practical advice on how to possibly stop him fucking her up even further.

@ravenmum

Doesn't sound like you have trust issues; sounds more like he has fidelity issues. What was it your mum didn't like about him?

Yeah was going to say same thing.

It's not trust issues to suspect something is going on when there are obvious signs that's just normal.

Him wanting to separate is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is the one at fault and twisting the situation to put the blame on you. He tells you he does not love you, has text a girl inappropriately in the past, has started a new female friendship and is giving her lifts, going drinking with her, she has given him an expensive gift and she has blocked you on social media..... married men should not behave like this and any wife or partner would think something inappropriate is going on. And now that you have challenged him (possibly caught him out) he wants to separate because ... how dare you question his vey suspicious behaviour and relationship with a colleague! He knows what he is doing is wrong but is not willing to accept the reality of his mistreatment of you and your family so is twisting the truth to lie all fault with you. He knows he is in the wrong. Please don't blame yourself, you sound like a lovely supportive wife and unfortunately for whatever reason your husband has taken you and your lovely family for granted. I am so sorry that you are really hurt, it will take some time to get over what he has done to you and your family, but life does go on, it will be tough at the start but in a years time you will look objectively back on how you have been treated by this man and will realise you are better off without such a mean man in your life. Take care of yourself, get support from family and friends and I hope you find happiness and peace soon .

Sorry to say this but please prepare yourself that he’s involved with someone else. My exh acted this way just before he left me. I was convinced that he’d have a change of heart and that there wasn’t someone else but he didn’t and there was. A very tough 2 years followed but all is well now. I read everything I could get my hands on to understand why it had happened. Learned about cognitive dissonance. I forgave him. We get along great now, he is still with the woman I’m convinced he left me for (he’ll never admit an overlap) and I’ve started a new relationship but it was a very tough couple of years after he left. He will blame-shift to justify his decision so don’t believe a word he says to you, this isn’t your fault.

OP, he has form for both inappropriate relationships with women and manipulating you. When you discovered that he was calling the first OW beautiful, he deflected the focus to your ‘snooping’ instead of accepting responsibility for his breach of trust. He was never remorseful and never suffered any consequences.

Now, in the space of a year, he has told you twice that he doesn’t love you, most likely to create distance and justify his wrongdoing. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that after his July announcement, the second OW’s presence in his life escalated: more alone time, pub nights, nice gifts featuring her name, and increased SM presence. They’ve been building intimacy. If everything was innocent, she wouldn’t have blocked you.

I see now that he wants to separate. This is not your fault, so don’t tolerate his manipulative blame shifting. He is cheating and things have ramped up with OW. I really am sorry.

For gods sake this isn't working is it?
If your honest what would you tell your friend to do if she said all this???

Have some respect for yourself and leave before it gets any worse

So sorry OP. He’s having an affair. This might be the best thing that ever happened to you. If someone doesn’t want you then it’s time to let them go. Don’t beg him to come back. Stay strong. You deserve better than this

@Solosthere

He's told me tonight that he wants to seperate as he can't believe I've made him feel this bad and forced him into this decision. I'm devastated.

For Christ sake women, find your backbone. This man is a professional victim, constantly manipulating you with his Poor Me routine, whilst he fucks off to the pub with this woman leaving you to look after the kids.

Where’s your anger over how you’ve been treated in all this?

*woman

Sorry, that actually came out sounding much harsher than I meant it to.

OP, seek out help wherever you can find it. I was there 3 years ago. It is extremely painful. I never found my anger (counsellor couldn’t understand it. I think I just tried to educate myself and understand rather than get angry which only lead to deterioration in my relationship with my ex and my priority has always been our children so I didn’t want that). You have to just go through this in your own way and just keep going but you will heal eventually.

My life is good again now only 3 years on. I work harder at work and at home but life is good and I never thought I’d say that 3 years ago. It shattered me.

There are some very good online resources and books that helped me enormously, particularly Vikki Starks ‘Runaway Husbands.’ Vikki is a counsellor whose husband left her suddenly. There’s a Facebook group also full of women who understand this very unique experience. Reading ‘The Script’ also helped me understand that my exes behaviour was textbook midlife crisis/affair and that I wasn’t alone.

I know the shock, fear and pain, OP. Many days I spent curled up in tears but you will, I promise you, you will rise and you will heal in time.

Do not believe a word he says right now. He will make this your fault to make what he’s done sit well with him (cognitive dissonance). You will find that people don’t really understand it unless they’ve experienced it. Sending you a big hug. Really big.

www.runawayhusbands.com/

whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.com/2013/07/mlc-script-reasons-for-leaving-and.html?m=1

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

He's gaslighting you. He's either having an affair or wanting an affair and your mother is 100% onto him. Google The Script and it'll be like wool falling from your eyes.