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Original poster

How to tell your 4 year old daddy is moving out?

31 replies

Mummyofboys0104 · 21/09/2021 22:48

Hi all,

Just wondered how you told your children that their daddy is moving out & they will be staying with him on weekends?

My sons are 4 years and 1 years nearly 2 and are used to seeing daddy every single day and night. My 4 year old always asks when he is coming home from work and if he is not home by a certain time he asks me where daddy is?

The hardest part of this breakup is knowing my children are going to miss being with their dad every day. They will be spending every other weekend with him once he leaves.

How do you tell and prepare your child.

He is moving out middle of October.

Any suggestions welcomed. X

OP posts:
AMALT · 21/09/2021 22:51

Why is he only seeing them every other weekend?

TaraR2020 · 21/09/2021 22:55

My parents told me together, that he wasn't going to be living with us anymore but I would still see him lots and talk on the phone.

They reassured me they both loved me and thankfully, I have a dad who was always very present in my life in spite of his split with my mum.

Good luck, op. Children are resilient, there might be a few tears but they'll be ok

Original poster
Mummyofboys0104 · 21/09/2021 23:01

@AMALT

Why is he only seeing them every other weekend?
He will be seeing them more than that of a week day but they will only be staying over every other weekend at his new home. Hopefully be more but we haven't got that far yet.

Just worried about how the kids will be with their dad not living with us anymore.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 21/09/2021 23:03

You haven't said why you are going to be responsible for 2 tiny children 24 hours a day whilst he us only going to be seeing his children once a fortnight?

Original poster
Mummyofboys0104 · 21/09/2021 23:03

@TaraR2020

My parents told me together, that he wasn't going to be living with us anymore but I would still see him lots and talk on the phone.

They reassured me they both loved me and thankfully, I have a dad who was always very present in my life in spite of his split with my mum.

Good luck, op. Children are resilient, there might be a few tears but they'll be ok

Thank you - I will sit him down this week and try and explain - I just wonder how much he will understand with only being 4 but they will get used to the routine soon enough.
OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 21/09/2021 23:09

If it helps, op, I was about the same age as your son, maybe a bit older. Just keep it simple and straightforward.

Looking back, I do think it was important that they told me together. Imagine being told it when your dad isn't there to reassure you of his love, I think that would be much more upsetting and would trigger insecurity.

Original poster
Mummyofboys0104 · 21/09/2021 23:22

Yes definitely - I will sit him down this week with us both and explain everything as best we can and make it as happy as possible for him and make out like its going to be fun staying in Daddy's new house. Its just heartbreaking because they are both so young.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 21/09/2021 23:23

I know, op, but they will be ok,honestly Flowers

LadyGAgain · 22/09/2021 00:12

Are YOU ok OP with this change? They will take their lead from you. If you're ok (that doesn't mean ur not sad) and believe in the split then they will adapt fairly quickly. Be honest and if the 2 of you can present a United front it will massively help. My sister and I knew mh dad didn't want the split and the feelings of guilt and feeling sorry for him tore us apart as young kids.

MyDcAreMarvel · 22/09/2021 00:15

@Mummyofboys0104 He is moving out middle of October. is this not an abusive relationship you are ending then? Why is your partner leaving you?

bathmatandbin · 22/09/2021 00:19

Be honest but age appropriate, tell them that you both love them and that you are doing it because you believe that happy parents make happy kids. You will be happier living this way and as a result they will be too....xx

Getbehindme · 22/09/2021 06:43

Mine were a bit older, but we sat them down together, explained how sometimes couples still love each other as friends and the love that you need in a relationship wasn't there any more. We discussed friends in a similar situation so they knew the weren't alone in this. We assured them of plans, but only told them the next step when we're one step ahead.

So if you know he's leaving in mid- Oct. Perhaps leave that part until next week, so let them deal with the initial bit of news, and that Daddy's looking for a new place? That worked for us but we had a longer lead time but it seemed to help to have the steps solidified. And big up the new place, like it's some kind of wonderland! Encourage him to let them choose some bedding and new things for their room etc.

However, key thing is to present a united front no matter what's happened. Assure them that both parent is accessible any time they like, and through words and actions. Be excited about the new place with them, but not to the point where they then can't say they're sad.

I have a great book about growing up and relationships so we look at that now and again to see how different family set ups can be.

Mintyt · 22/09/2021 06:55

I was 3 my brother 5 and I cannot remember being told, my dad came over on Saturday to look after us as my mum worked then he went!

Flamingo49 · 22/09/2021 06:58

Before we told our kids we bought the book Two Homes and read it with them as one of their bedtime books. Then a few weeks later we had the conversation with them, and they themselves referred back to the book a couple of times. It was really helpful and they still read it now

Mintyt · 22/09/2021 06:59

It's the involvement in their everyday lives, and seeing loving and supporting them, that's important rather than living in the same house for me

TickledOnion · 22/09/2021 07:00

We told 4yo DD together. We just said that daddy was going to live in a different house and that she would still see him lots. She would have a bedroom in 2 houses and a bed and toys. (I think this was her main concern). She had a friend with separated parents so we could say that it was just like her friend’s family. It was a lot more upsetting for me than it was for her. Kids seem to take things in their stride as long as you make it clear and simple to understand.

Glitterazzi · 22/09/2021 07:03

Lot's of good advice here. My added advice is that you put your own personal feelings aside and do not bad mouth the other parent ever in front of the children. Always reassure them that the other partner loves them so much.

Good luck OP.

Jemra · 22/09/2021 07:03

^^
*Today 00:19bathmatandbin

Be honest but age appropriate, tell them that you both love them and that you are doing it because you believe that happy parents make happy kids. You will be happier living this way and as a result they will be too....xx*

I really, really disagree with this. The kids should never be told anything that might make them feel the split is being done for them or about them in any way. Children will naturally blame themselves and this would only encourage it. Then if they see mum or dad feeling sad in the future they might feel responsible because this has been done to make them happy.

Original poster
Mummyofboys0104 · 22/09/2021 07:04

@Zerrin13

You haven't said why you are going to be responsible for 2 tiny children 24 hours a day whilst he us only going to be seeing his children once a fortnight?
He will see them more than that - take them out of a week day after work etc for tea, park etc But he works early so he wouldn't be able to have the stay over of a week day taking them to school and nursery etc. They will be actually qsleeping over at his new place every other weekend.
OP posts:
WagathaChippy · 22/09/2021 07:07

Don't tell him yet. I think middle of October is too long away for a 4 year old.

ANameChangeAgain · 22/09/2021 07:08

I agree, keep it simple and make it clear. Perhaps a family planner marked with daddy days and mummy days would help. We are all together, but if mine had wobbles about anything, to keep them talking we would use flashcards on the way home from school. It would be fun stuff mixed with "what made you happy" and "what didn't you like".
(Also tushing at his every other weekend, by the way).

Getbehindme · 22/09/2021 07:09

@Jemra I get what you're saying, I think the essence is correct there in terms of happiness being important, but it has to be carefully framed.

My older daughter I think feels responsible if I'm visibly stressed. Not for the break up but for supporting me now we are apart. I think kids need to know you're not indestructible, but it's a fine balance and this is something I'm starting to realise with her. She's adopted a bit of a co-parent role with me regarding her little sister for instance.

Original poster
Mummyofboys0104 · 22/09/2021 07:11

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@Mummyofboys0104* He is moving out middle of October.* is this not an abusive relationship you are ending then? Why is your partner leaving you?[/quote]
I don't want to be with him anymore. I am the one who has been strong and said we have to split up. We have been together 7 years and to be honest we haven't been in a very good loved up relationship for about 2/3 years all his fault but i don't want to go into detail just if he treated me better I wouldn't be making the decision I am making. We care for each other and I know when he goes I will be so sad because routine and the familiarity will be gone. But i know me and my kids will be happier in the long run if we spilt up.

OP posts:
Getbehindme · 22/09/2021 07:12

Also, tell the school/nursery. They've been amazing and looked out for my kids.

CallMeRisley · 22/09/2021 07:26

My DD was 3yo when me and ex split up. Although I still miss the lovely house we owned together, we sold the house and both moved on to new places which was good for the transition in felling DD as it wasn’t like one parent was “leaving” and one person “staying”.
We made it sound really exciting to her- “We’re getting TWO new houses! Wow, how fun! Mummy will be at one house and Daddy will be at the other house! You will have two bedrooms, wow!” We referred to each other as friends. “Mummy and daddy are friends, and daddy wants to live in X place and Mummy wants to live in X place. We both love you soooo much”. A United front. We also had the story book “My Two Homes: Living with Mum, Living with Dad” but I didn’t labour the point saying oooh that’s like you, I just had it within her normal rotation of bedtime stories to show representation.
She’s now 7 and I’m soooo glad we did it before she was really too aware of what was happening or was old enough to feel any guilt, worry or negativity.

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