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Original poster

Stating the obvious or something else?

29 replies

barnett1 · 21/09/2021 13:01

DP has always said things that I find a little odd but I'm starting to wonder if there is another reason he says these things.

DP will hand me the remote and say 'Do you want to put something on TV'. So I do. He'll then say 'So that's what we're going to watch then, is it?'.

DP will walk in to the kitchen whilst I'm cooking dinner and say 'So that's what we're having for dinner then, is it?'.

There are plenty more examples like the above. I know it looks silly written down. I used to just think he was pointing out the obvious, but it's nearly all the time now and I actually feel like I am having to defend my decisions / what I'm doing if that makes sense? Maybe I'm just being sensitive.

OP posts:
middlingmess · 21/09/2021 13:03

Sounds like he's just making conversation? Otherwise it might feel like you guys don't have much communication?
Sounds normal to me, but when you don't like someone anything they do can get on your nerves. I hated everything my exh did!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 21/09/2021 13:04

Particularly in your first example, it seems like he is setting you up for a confrontation? Implying that he doesn't mind what he watches, then almost accusing you of making a decision for him. Hmm That's a mind game IMHO.

TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 13:05

Maybe I'm just being sensitive

You're allowed to be. What would he say if you explained to him how you feel about this?

layladomino · 21/09/2021 13:22

In the second scenario I'd be tempted to say something very different to what I was cooking. Then when he says 'That isn't chicken it's omelette?' ask him why he had to ask if he already knew.

It really depends on if you think he's doing it for an arguement, just to make conversation or if it's a habit. If he's just trying to make conversation or it's become a habit, then maybe explain to him that you know he doesn't mean it to be, but it's really irritating when he asks you to explain something he already knows.

If he's doing it in a challenging way, in an effort to start an arguement, then that's a different matter. How do you feel your communication is generally as a couple? Is he loving? Do you feel happy?

Prettybubblesintheair · 21/09/2021 13:26

What happens when you say “yes this is dinner/what I fancy watching”? Does he moan or try to start an argument? If he just replies “okie dokie” or whatever then I think he’s just trying to start a conversation. My dh would do the similar by asking me what I’m watching or cooking, he can see for himself but it’s an invitation to talk about it.

Joystir59 · 21/09/2021 13:39

He sounds incredibly passive aggressive. He needs to start taking the initiative in choices you make on TV and food. You need to call him out on this ineffective annoying way of communicating with you.

OuiOuiBonjour · 21/09/2021 13:53

Do you actively involve him in deciding what to watch or eat? The TV one seems like a miscommunication... He suggests YOU look for something YOU might want to watch, then says "is this what WE are watching?". I'd reply, "I thought you were suggesting I put on something I fancied watching. I would like to watch this. Would you like to go do something for a bit or watch something different on your phone/ipad and then we can find something together later on?" (I know, it's tedious!)

The food thing. I feel the only circumstances I would ever say this would be if I was never given a choice of what I was eating by a partner to took control of cooking and shopping. I have been in relationships were I had no say or choice in the past and I probably let the odd passive aggressive comment like this our when I felt the other person always called the shots over what WE did, rather than recognising we both were individuals and that it wasn't fair for one person to always have to compromise.

So to the food thing I'd reply, "Yes, this is what I made for us to eat. Do you not fancy it? There's eggs/bread/cheese/leftovers/ready meal in freezer if you want to help yourself to something different."

Only you know the dynamic. Is there an issue around the "we" of the relationship? Could he feel a bit stifled? Or is the the other way round? Is he quite controlling but is trying to make you feel like you have choices or responsibility for certain areas but in the same breath is undermining them?

OuiOuiBonjour · 21/09/2021 13:57

The food thing. I feel the only circumstances I would ever say this would be if I was never given a choice of what I was eating by a partner WHO took control of cooking and shopping. I have been in relationships WHERE I had no say or choice in the past and I probably let the odd passive aggressive comment like this OUT when I felt the other person always called the shots over what we did, rather than recognising we both were individuals and that it wasn't fair for one person to always have to compromise

sorry so many typos!

Original poster
barnett1 · 21/09/2021 14:07

@OuiOuiBonjour Is he quite controlling but is trying to make you feel like you have choices or responsibility for certain areas but in the same breath is undermining them?
What you've said here is actually how I'm feeling. It comes across as fairly passive aggressive with the way he says it. He actually makes most of the decisions within our relationship. Not all, but most.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 21/09/2021 14:10

What tone does he use?
I’d probably say something like, “well you choose then!” 😁

OuiOuiBonjour · 21/09/2021 14:14

[quote barnett1]**@OuiOuiBonjour* Is he quite controlling but is trying to make you feel like you have choices or responsibility for certain areas but in the same breath is undermining them?*
What you've said here is actually how I'm feeling. It comes across as fairly passive aggressive with the way he says it. He actually makes most of the decisions within our relationship. Not all, but most. [/quote]
So he offers you a tiny choice (the TV) or comes into one of the only areas where you do make most of the choices or have responsibility and makes it into a much bigger deal than it is and a problem for him...

Ugh, not nice at all. He's playing games isn't he?

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2021 14:14

Sounds like he wants you to second guess your own decisions.

Also, 'passive aggressive' has no place in a relationship.

Has he form for things like sulking or gaslighting too?

Original poster
barnett1 · 21/09/2021 14:23

@Pinkbonbon He has been known to sulk, yes.

OP posts:
OuiOuiBonjour · 21/09/2021 14:24

How long have you been together?

Original poster
barnett1 · 21/09/2021 14:29

@OuiOuiBonjour 4 years. Lived together for just over a year.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 14:29

[quote barnett1]**@OuiOuiBonjour* Is he quite controlling but is trying to make you feel like you have choices or responsibility for certain areas but in the same breath is undermining them?*
What you've said here is actually how I'm feeling. It comes across as fairly passive aggressive with the way he says it. He actually makes most of the decisions within our relationship. Not all, but most. [/quote]
I'd be absolutely straight up with him.

  • So that's what we're going to watch then, is it?
  • Are you trying to tell me that you'd prefer to watch something else?

The best way to deal with PA behaviour is without noticing the 'A' bit, so that you're not intimidated by it, and can meet it head on.

At the moment, the aggressive part is silencing you. End that.

CrumpetsForAll · 21/09/2021 14:44

Is he welsh? ExH used to put ‘is it?’ on the end of sentences as a regional thing- I used to affectionately respond ‘it is’. (That’s not why he’s an ex!)

CrumpetsForAll · 21/09/2021 14:47

He’d do it more in a checking plans way though- ‘so tomorrow we’re meeting them at 4 and dropping the kids at your mums and then doing dinner, is it?’ Or maybe directions- ‘it’s straight past the school and in the right by the pub, is it?’

ravenmum · 21/09/2021 14:51

Sounds passive aggressive to me, too, and I second asking him directly what he wants to say. (But I bet he answers in a way that suggests you are being nasty by suggesting he might be criticising you.)

Original poster
barnett1 · 21/09/2021 14:56

@CrumpetsForAll No he's not Welsh Smile

OP posts:
OuiOuiBonjour · 21/09/2021 15:02

[quote barnett1]@OuiOuiBonjour 4 years. Lived together for just over a year. [/quote]
Is it escalating? I don't know your age/circumstances etc but if marriage or kids has been suggested with him, I'd honestly get out while you can. Ime, this sort of behaviour always escalated when they felt they'd "got you cornered".

And it's such a cliche on MN but The Freedom Programme is really helpful for identifying patterns of dominating behaviour. I think he's already gaslighting you with the TV thing.

CrumpetsForAll · 21/09/2021 15:03

@barnett1 an absentminded ‘it is’ isn’t that bad a response to this guy either now I think about it!

Original poster
barnett1 · 21/09/2021 15:58

@OuiOuiBonjour Using the TV example again, I feel like I'm going crazy when he says it! He asks me to put something on then when I do makes it clear that what I've chose isn't ok, but won't actually say that.

OP posts:
OuiOuiBonjour · 21/09/2021 16:07

[quote barnett1]@OuiOuiBonjour Using the TV example again, I feel like I'm going crazy when he says it! He asks me to put something on then when I do makes it clear that what I've chose isn't ok, but won't actually say that. [/quote]
That's pretty much textbook gaslighting and why I suggested the Freedom Programme. I really struggled to know what it was that made me feel so "off" and like it was me that was crazy. It is a systematic pattern of behaviour dominators use. It undermines your own reasoning and sense of judgement.

I know it sounds naff but have you watched any of Married at First Sight UK? There's a man on it called Franky who does this sort of thing alot. He negs, gaslights, undermines. His "wife" has just cottoned on to exactly what he is doing. It's interesting to watch unfold and I can certainly see previous relationships of mine in the dynamic.

He is fucking with your head a bit. That's why you feel so off about it.

PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside · 21/09/2021 16:37

How annoying, OP.

He's also demanding of your time for a response by making you justify yourself.

Very nasty trait, actually.

I used to have a boyfriend who would say 'really?) in a sneery voice to examples like yours. Commanding an explanation. Horrible.

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