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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to ask hubby for a date night before we have another baby?

36 replies

Lealea1991 · 21/09/2021 08:37

Basically we never go out on a date night anymore and haven't for months. The childcare isn't a problem to arrange, he just never seems interested in going out. Ive gave up the things I like doing on a date night because he doesn't like doing them so I said I'm happy to do what he wants, even if it's just going to the chippy or watching a film at home. I don't feel I'm being unreasonable to ask for a date night before I go through pregnancy and labour again. He keeps going on and on at me to have another, which I want another too, but I feel I deserve at least one evening to go out and do something fun. I'm desperate to do something romantic as we never go out anymore and he works alot. I'm so used to being without him at home alot now I've kind of forgotten alot of the feelings I had for him. I know it sounds awful but I am a stay at home parent and I'm better at bring without him now than with him. I dont know if anyone could understand what I'm saying? I don't know how else to explain it. There's nothing wrong with our marriage, I'm just used to being without him alot.

OP posts:
Zarene · 21/09/2021 08:39

Just one before you get pregnant!?? You’re not unreasonable at all! I thought you were going to say you were 39 weeks or something.

Point out to him that you’re far more likely to be in the mood to do the necessary to get pregnant if there has been a bit of romance first.

(Assuming that you do actually want another - you sound a bit ambivalent.)

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 21/09/2021 08:40

I think one night isn't enough tbh and really he needs to be putting some focus back onto your relationship. I think it's good to have a regular thing, once a month or so.

It's good to get away and just focus on your relationship without children being the forefront of your life and conversations as well.
Suggest a city break or something?

I think lockdowns have made quite a lot of people think that doing something is a big effort now when it's really not.

takeanotherchillpill · 21/09/2021 08:41

Do you think he might want you to have another child in order to keep you 'trapped' and occupied at home?

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 21/09/2021 08:41

I thought you were going to say you were 39 weeks or something.

So did I!!

OrangeTortoise · 21/09/2021 08:43

Of course YANBU and I can't believe you think you might be! One night out isn't much to ask!

On a more serious note, are you sure you should start TTC with this man? Your marriage doesn't sound great tbh.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 21/09/2021 08:43

And yeah I'd be wary about having another child with him.

They will grow up and fly the best and you will be stuck with someone that's not really interested in you.

I'd be having a Big Talk with him and then waiting to see if he changes his actions before deciding about a 2nd child.

JSL52 · 21/09/2021 08:48

Can't you just say 'I've got a babysitter on Friday so I've booked a table for dinner '?
He won't do it so if you want to go out you will have to arrange it.
Don't have another baby just because he wants one, how much help will you be getting with a new baby?

MrsRobbieHart · 21/09/2021 08:52

Don’t have a child with someone who has no interest in spending time with you. That’s insane. Find your self respect and a relationship that’s worth being in. Babies aren’t the be all and end all.

ravenmum · 21/09/2021 08:59

Would it maybe help if you stop calling it a date night and just refer to it as going out? Couples go out. If you were childless, you wouldn't be considering having a child with a man you didn't go out with, would you?

SummerintheCity2021 · 21/09/2021 10:29

Why does he want another child so much?

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2021 10:48

Why the heck would you have another baby with this guy? He doesn't even sound interested I the first one. Or you, for that matter. I agree with poster who suggested that he only wants you to have another one so that you feel too exhausted to leave when you realise what a shitty partner he is.

Akire · 21/09/2021 10:54

Do you ever not watch a film at home even? You mention it as date night, is he a gamer that’s at home but in another room and you don’t spent normal nights on sofa chatting and watching rubbish on Tv?

He sounds like he’s really bored with the relationship, why are you giving up stuff you like to do and he’s not doing or not doing anything in return?

StorageIngredients · 21/09/2021 10:56

You're married to him, mother tonhos child and planning another. It's not unreasonable to ask for anything at all. Literally, there shouldn't be anything you can't ask.

Obviously he's at liberty to say no, but his answer tells you what you need to know.

SheABitSpicyToday · 21/09/2021 10:56

We have a date night once a week!

Don’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t want to spend time with you. You’ll be even more lonely.

aSofaNearYou · 21/09/2021 10:59

I think YWBU to think one date night could fix your increasing disconnect! You both need to work on your relationship and do something about how distant you feel from him before considering having another child. Naturally that includes him putting the work in romantically.

Pinkbonbon · 21/09/2021 11:05

Agree with pp that said that another baby will make you feel more lonely in this 'relationship'.

I'd actually be very creeped out that he never wanted to spend time with me but wanted me to have another baby. You aren't his personal mini-me oven op.

Have him prove that he wants to spend more time with you and the child, consistently, for at least another year, ideally two, before even considering another kid.

GreyCarpet · 21/09/2021 11:09

I thinknid disagree with you that there is nothing wrong with your marriage.

Nothing wrong with it except that you prefer to he without him than with him.
Nothing wrong with it except that he won't have a date night with you.
Nothjgnqrongnwith it except that you have given up on asking him to do anything you want to do and would just be grateful for anything

Yep, nothing to see here!

I understand you want another child but is this really a relationship you want to bring another child into?

GreyCarpet · 21/09/2021 11:13

Tbh, I've just re read your post and the whole thing sounds miserable. You sound miserable Sad

Bbub · 21/09/2021 11:33

Raise your standards OP

layladomino · 21/09/2021 11:40

I don't think your title or question covers the real issue here...

He doesn't want to go out with you?
If you do go anywhere it has to be what he wants to do? You've given up asking to do things you'd like to do?
You don't see much of him? (so 99% of childcare will fall on you if you have another)
He 'goes on and on' at you to have another baby, but you feel you might be unreasonable asking him for a single date night? Can you see how mixed up that is? He pushes you to have a baby (where all the work will fall to you) but you're uncertain you're allowed to ask him for a single night out?

So much of what you've said suggests you shouldn't be having another baby with this man. He isn't showing any interest in you or care for your feelings.

A date night is the least of it. You should be saying 'I'm not happy. One thing I want to change is I want a regular date night, and we take it in turns to choose what we do / where we go. If you can't even agree to that, that tells me all I need to know about how important you think my feelings are, and I'll be re-evaluating if I want to stay with you because at the moment you don't show any signs of wanting to be with me.'

EarthSight · 21/09/2021 12:16

God. What a charmer eh?

What on earth happened here that you have been forced to accept so little? There doesn't seem to be compromise is there? What did you used to do before having kids? What did you have in common?

Have you emotionally separated or divorced him OP? Seems like there's a lot more to this situation than the one you've posted.

Don't have sex with him until things improve.

LastGirlSanding · 21/09/2021 12:19

Why would one date night make any difference in this situation? If he is not even willing to spend quality couple time with you in any sense (to the point you want to ‘trade’ one poxy date night for bringing another human being into the world) then is he really someone you should be having more children with? Or be with at all?

Womaninthistown · 21/09/2021 12:24

I think a regular date night rather than one OP! You’ve got to still be a couple not just parents.

Certainly not unreasonable. Actually it’s really lovely and he’s lucky to have you!

JovialNickname · 21/09/2021 12:24

You have all the leverage in this situation OP! Don't ask him, tell him that you are not going to TTC with a man that won't take you on one date. And stick to it.

As an aside it's really sad to see how many women on here set their bar so very very low. No you are not being unreasonable to want to be taken on one date by the man whose child you will be bearing, birthing and raising x

GoWalkabout · 21/09/2021 12:40

Do dance classes together. Yanbu at all.