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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I thought I'd found the perfect man, but ....

33 replies

Legallybleachblonde · 21/09/2021 08:04

.... he's beginning to irritate me. I have reconnected with an old flame and it felt amazing at first. We're both 51. He's just come out of a divorce and I've been divorced and on my own for nearly 5 years. If I had a tick sheet of all my requirements, he meets ever one but something feels off. It's very one-sided for starters - he works away a lot and misses me so much. Thing is, I don't miss him at all. I have DS6 and I'm so busy with him and after school clubs that I don't have time to miss him. Then there's the menopause. I'm on hrt but I still don't feel like me and my sex drive has diminished so not even that is helping to keep me interested. He's a lovely, kind man but I think he's too try hard and I'm finding it exhausting. I have been completely honest with him throughout and told him all this and he is very understanding but even that is starting to irritate me.

When my exH left me, I was bereft! I loved him so much and it took a few years to get over that and now my whole life has adapted to not having a man in it. I suppose i'm struggling to work out whether it's just that this man is not for me or whether any man would be right for me at the moment.

It's my birthday next week and he has all these things planned and he's more excited about it than me tbh. I am so tired most days and in the middle of supporting my best friend who has been left by her husband of 20 years and also my Dad as I lost my Mum in January.

Even typing this all down I feel I know what I need to do but I'm worried I could end up throwing away a future with a kind and loving man. I'm not sure I'm even capable of loving someone like I did my son's Dad.

Any thoughts on what I should do or has anyone else ever felt like this? I am so confused.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 21/09/2021 08:09

It isn’t fair to keep him hanging on while you work things out.

You should finish with him, it doesn’t around like you’re over your exH Flowers

LizzieSiddal · 21/09/2021 08:09

*sound like

daytripper28 · 21/09/2021 08:14

Dump him (kindly of course!)

You don't have to have a man/partner in order to live a fulfilled life. Just sayin'

Saladovercrispsanyday · 21/09/2021 08:15

You’re trying to convince yourself he’s great

When you just don’t fancy him op

Simple as that

millypeggyandpandora · 21/09/2021 08:42

OP, I am in a very similar position to you, but 2 years further on.
I was broken hearted when my husband had an affair and do I divorced him. Instead of giving myself a peaceful couple of years to grieve and recover I met an gentle, kind man on OLD and started another relationship!
I now realise my mistake and want to end the relationship but feel so bad about hurting this lovely man.
Please end this relationship now OP so you can both move on swiftly and thoroughly xxx

LastGirlSanding · 21/09/2021 09:01

What is it about him that is exhausting? Is he quite high needs in terms of contact etc? If relationships require a lot of energy - either because they are negative (so you need to spend energy dealing with the negatives) or because they are ‘positive’ - in that you feel you are constantly having your attention and time pulled towards someone, the net result can be the same which is they feel overwhelming. It’s just harder to spot when someone is overly nice to you because you feel like you should appreciate it and not resent how much time and energy they are drawing from you. But, that can also be a negative as it means your boundaries are being encroached upon.

TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 09:07

I'm worried I could end up throwing away a future with a kind and loving man

And, indeed, you probably will be. But surely 'kind and loving' isn't you're entire list of requirements? It's not enough, is it? You want 'Kind, loving, and makes me happy', don't you? What's the point of kind and loving if it feels 'off'? Loads of people are kind and loving; do you think you're compatible with all of them?

Seaoftroubles · 21/09/2021 09:18

Let him go O. P. If you feel like this now then things are unlikely to get better. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life and haven't really got time for him, to me he sounds quite needy which is unappealing and draining. Also don't underestimate the toll that bereavement can take on you, especially if you are supporting your Dad. Best too end it now and concentrate on your needs, not his.

altmember · 21/09/2021 09:51

I disagree with the PPs. You've spent five years forging an independent life (with a young child too). You've just got used to that and now going back to being in a full on relationship is bound to be a bit daunting. You may also be being wary of being hurt again.

I also think that as people get older and wiser/more experienced they don't fall in love quite as hard and fast as a young heart. We tend to be a bit more reserved and let our feelings develop slower. So just because you don't feel as strong right now as you did about your previous husband, it doesn't mean you won't in a few years time. Also, you probably spent your marriage feeling that your husband was 'the one', so this new bloke can't also be the one. It can take a bit of sub conscious adjustment to come to terms with that.

Sounds like your looking at the long term aspirations of a relationship. Bear in mind that it doesn't have to be as full on and intense as your marriage - you don't have to live together or 'take on' step parent roles for each others kids etc.

Tell him that you're feeling a bit smothered and need to keep your own space/independence. Hopefully he'll be able to accept that and back off a bit.

Sometimes I dispair at the advice on this board - people post a little snippets about their relationship, and so often the responses of 'dump him/get rid/you need to end it' come rolling in.

It sounds like this bloke is being the perfect gent, totally besotted with the OP, and hasn't done anything wrong, just been a bit over enthusiastic. If the situation was reversed and the op was saying they were putting in more effort than their partner, who didn't seem all that bothered, there would be many replies telling her he's not that into you, you should end it.

rjacksmiss · 21/09/2021 09:53

@altmember spot on!

Pemmican · 21/09/2021 09:54

It sounds like this bloke is being the perfect gent, totally besotted with the OP, and hasn't done anything wrong, just been a bit over enthusiastic

So what? Nobody owes anyone a relationship. This damaging lie that a besotted man trumps an ambivalent woman is everywhere...

Clymene · 21/09/2021 09:56

@Pemmican

It sounds like this bloke is being the perfect gent, totally besotted with the OP, and hasn't done anything wrong, just been a bit over enthusiastic

So what? Nobody owes anyone a relationship. This damaging lie that a besotted man trumps an ambivalent woman is everywhere...

Yes!
TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 09:58

It sounds like this bloke is being the perfect gent, totally besotted with the OP, and hasn't done anything wrong, just been a bit over enthusiastic. If the situation was reversed and the op was saying they were putting in more effort than their partner, who didn't seem all that bothered, there would be many replies telling her he's not that into you, you should end it

It's not about what anybody has done wrong. OP isn't happy. You're suggesting she stays in a relationship that doesn't float her boat, and waiting for something to change. And you're criticising other people's advice.

Despair all you like, but advising somebody to stay in a relationship that bores and irritates them, and changing themselves to try to fit it, is terrible advice.

Steeple · 21/09/2021 09:59

@TheFoundations

I'm worried I could end up throwing away a future with a kind and loving man

And, indeed, you probably will be. But surely 'kind and loving' isn't you're entire list of requirements? It's not enough, is it? You want 'Kind, loving, and makes me happy', don't you? What's the point of kind and loving if it feels 'off'? Loads of people are kind and loving; do you think you're compatible with all of them?

Yes, exactly this. ‘Kind and loving’ is fine, but on their own, they’re just not doing it for you.

I’ve ditched several ‘kind and loving’ men because I look for a whole lot more than that. This guy is irritating you, you find him needy, and it sounds as if you experience him as a bit of a sap. I’d move on.

Itsbeen84yearss · 21/09/2021 10:04

Just see him once a week and say no to anything else. You’re busy. He can like it or lump it. In dating I have no idea why people think they have to spend multiple evenings together. You’re not married.

crimsonlake · 21/09/2021 10:06

I agree with Altmember.
I have been divorced 10 years now and have become very independent in my ways. I would like some male companionship but everytime I meet someone through OLD I get frustrated if they text me once every day.
I have this going on at the moment...When I read the text I feel as if the person is imposing on my time and I have to respond. As for wanting to meet up, he is further imposing, but ridiculous as I do not even lead a very eventful life.
Is it the wrong person yet again, or am I too used to pleasing myself and having to answer to no one?

Aliceinunderland · 21/09/2021 10:11

What stands out from your post for me, is how you talk about being there for everyone else leaving you with little time or emotional reserves for yourself. This needs to be addressed first I think before you will know if you're ready for a relationship or not. I would also reflect on whether you are putting obstacles in the way to avoid the pain of a relationship breakdown. Either way, I think you need to take some time out to reflect on what you want and need in all aspects of your life rather than what you think you should want/do.

EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues · 21/09/2021 10:18

You’re just at different stages of life!

He’s on the rebound (no one says that anymore) and desperate to fill the space where his wife used to be.

You’re much less needy.

If you were still having fun it would be a different matter - as you’re not …

curiouslypacific · 21/09/2021 10:30

Honestly OP you sound burnt out. You have a lot of people that need your support right now and it seems like he's adding to that list of 'needs'. I'd have a think about what YOU need right now to recharge your depeleted energy stores. Then see if it's something he can offer you within the context of your relationship. If what you need right now is some alone time then that's ok. Also, those people that you're supporting, are they supporting you in return (within reason)? Have you had the space to grieve for your mum, or has it all been about looking after your dad?

A good relationship should go both ways - if you can't look to him for support when you're having a tough time, then yes, walk away. Maybe it's too early on for that, but I'd start by being honest with him that you're feeling overwhelmed with things at the moment and what you need to do to address it.

TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 12:43

@crimsonlake

I agree with Altmember. I have been divorced 10 years now and have become very independent in my ways. I would like some male companionship but everytime I meet someone through OLD I get frustrated if they text me once every day. I have this going on at the moment...When I read the text I feel as if the person is imposing on my time and I have to respond. As for wanting to meet up, he is further imposing, but ridiculous as I do not even lead a very eventful life. Is it the wrong person yet again, or am I too used to pleasing myself and having to answer to no one?
If you met a man who pleased you, spending time with him would be 'pleasing yourself', and wouldn't feel like having to 'answer to' someone.

Pleasing yourself and spending time with a man are not mutually exclusive, and if they appear to be, you have a skewed view of relationships.

Original poster
Legallybleachblonde · 21/09/2021 15:03

Thank you for the replies. Lots of different views.

I think maybe it boils down to it being a bit too full on for me right now. He wants to make plans and I can't think beyond next week. And I do put pressure on myself, I know that. My DS goes to his Dad's once a week and every other weekend and I always seem to be cramming in my friends or Dad into these 'free' days and there's never any me time. I just don't think there's room for him in the capacity he wants.

A previous poster mentioned a text message being intrusive and that's exactly how I feel - I think there's maybe a wider problem though and I need to make myself less available to everyone.

I am going to have to speak to him :-(

OP posts:
Endpress · 21/09/2021 15:19

You sound a bit worn out. And I would imagine you could still be grieving quite heavily? I found losing a parent was quite mood/ life altering for a while. Also it’s difficult to go with the flow and see how you feel if someone is pushing to be full on. Tell him.

EarthSight · 21/09/2021 18:07

Maybe you're just not in the right place in your life now to accommodate this type of relationship. Are you sure you don't simply find him smothering? That's an unpleasant, claustrophobic thing.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2021 18:12

It's ok to admit this isn't working for you. How wonderful, kind, generous this man is is irrelevant. It just doesn't work for where you are in your life. Be fair and let him go. He deserves someone who wants the same things he does.

SortingItOut · 22/09/2021 07:55

Men often make women the centre of their lives and it sounds like after his divorce he's jumped straight in to a new relationship.
It also sounds like his life revolves around work and you which is why he's so much more into you.
I feel smothered just reading about this relationship.

I don't think you've got the physical,mental or emotional space for this relationship.

Relationships come in all forms and this form is not for you, it might be that no relationship is best for you right now.