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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I don't know who to turn to

30 replies

feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 07:03

I need help.
I don't know where to turn to.
My oldest children are not speaking to me.
My partner has just left me over me making a video months ago that I was being silly in and didn't post anywhere.
I'm meant to moving house soon and the house I've been offered is in an awful state.
I'm absolutely in pieces at the moment.
I can't go to work.
I'm overwhelmed and lost.

Sorry seems so silly.

OP posts:
BlueberrySugar · 21/09/2021 07:05

Your partner left over a video you didn't post somewhere? That's a very odd reason to leave someone.

You have a lot going on at the moment.
Take one day at a time.

Things will get better x

6demandingchildren · 21/09/2021 07:06

Well you have turned to the fabulous vipers on Mumsnet xx
What was you actually doing on this video that has caused all this or am I reading this wrong?

spotcheck · 21/09/2021 07:06

Are your children angry at you?
If so, the first place to start is to genuinely make amends.

GertietheGherkin · 21/09/2021 07:12

Are you able to provide a little more information as to why your children aren't speaking to you?

Your husband has left you because you made a video? Why?

Is the house you're moving to a council or housing association property? If so they sound make it livable and may provide a decoration allowance. If a private landlord, then ask for it to be made livable, and either give you a decoration allowance, or decorate it themselves.

It seems an awful lot is happening in your life, and people being against you. There's surely a reason behind it? Providing a little more information will help to advise you better. Are you able to tell us a little more?

GertietheGherkin · 21/09/2021 07:13

*should

Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 07:23

My eldest DD said she didn't want me to get in a relationship with anyone ever again.

I did and she doesn't like it. She told my other DD a pack of lies about me which she believed and they both refuse to talk to me.

I made a TikTok video about being in a relationship with my partner and it being a secret relationship (until we were established) it was silly and I sent it to a girlfriend of mine - I didn't post it.
My TikTok is actually about 5 videos of my dog. I was just playing with it during lockdown.
The video was about how I had posted the same thing as him on Facebook and that people might find out we were secretly seeing each other and how I would like it if they did.
He said I was acting like a sl*t and he's disgusted by it. He doesn't love me anymore.

The house is council - it need replastering and all the wood work and windows are bright green and needs repainting.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 07:24

I'm going to get £100 voucher but that will cover the paint.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 07:25

I know it's all my fault.
I just don't know how to make myself better.
I'm ruining everything.

OP posts:
6demandingchildren · 21/09/2021 07:31

Sounds like you are better off without him, and at this moment in time you should be repairing the relationship with your daughter's as obviously their is a problem.
The house will be fine it might take time to decorate but it will keep you busy and away from men that don't respect you by calling you a slut.

Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 07:36

Unfortunately If I take the house my DD won't speak to me.
My landlord is selling my house and I have to move.
As a single parent I can't afford a 5 bed and the council have offered me a 3 bed which I entitled too but it's down a road she doesn't like.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 07:38

My eldest DD's have left home.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 07:39

So it's in bits and pieces I can't think straight.

OP posts:
psbradio2 · 21/09/2021 07:42

Your not the problem here OP. Walk away from that idiot of a partner and keep him as your ex! The daughter who doesn't want to move ask her would she prefer to sleep on a bench with no roof over her head. Your oldest just give her time. This isn't a normal reaction OP to things going on in your life.

Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 07:52

I know I'm not reacting normally.

I'm overwhelmed. The eldest 2 have left their stuff here and I'm going to have to pack it up and put it into storage.
I have no one to turn to help me move and the logistics of redecorating and hiring a van and moving it with the help of 2 small children is frankly terrifying. I've used all my holidays up in the summer to do things with the kids, so either will have to do unpaid or after school and weekends.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 21/09/2021 07:59

I'm sorry, OP, it does sound like a lot to be dealing with so no wonder you feel a bit overwhelmed.
It might help to separate out the issues.

Your relationship break up- he doesn't sound worth your time. You deserve better. And actually, sounds like you need to be single and focus on yourself for a while.

Your housing situation- it sounds like you know realistically you have to take this house, so I would try to accept that and make the best of it, despite daughter not liking road and green windows. You know you'll be able to change the windows thanks to paint voucher, what about the walls needing replastered, is that something the council will do but you might need to wait for?

How old are the daughters who aren't talking to you? Have you got a friend in real life who could help you talk to them?
They do need to accept that you're moving. It sounds like the relationship, moving and your dynamic with them have all got muddled up and you're all feeling emotional and they're feeling resentful.

Maybe you could say something/ or write them a letter like
"Daughters, I know the last few months have been difficult and we're not in the situation we want to be in. I'm aware you had issues with my last relationship- in the future we will have to find a way to talk about things like that. But for now, it's important that you understand that we will be moving to the house with green windows, there are no other options so we will need to make the best of it. It will be much nicer for all of us if we can get through next few months showing each other some kindness and understanding as I know I'm struggling and I'm sure it isn't easy for you either...etc..."

Cyberworrier · 21/09/2021 08:02

Just seen your update. Don't worry about redecorating now. Get into the house and then see how things are. When you do tackle it, just do one room at a time. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself

Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 08:07

All the walls need painting aS they're lumpy and have just had gas pipes installed. There's no carpet or flooring. I can't carpet then plaster and decorate.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 21/09/2021 08:29

Ok. It sounded like you literally won't have the time off to get it all done before you move in? Do you have any old rugs you can put down in rooms you don't paint in time for time being while you wait for walls to be done and carpets etc?
We lived with bare floor boards (not the sanded nice kind) whilst saving for walls to be plastered etc for six months. It's not nice but it's possible. Hopefully you'll be able to get walls done sooner than you think though.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/09/2021 08:32

Tell your kids to collect their stuff or you're putting it outside when you move.
A roof over your head is your priority. If you have to live with no carpets and crap walls then that's what you have to do. It's temporary.
Re the video, if you didn't share it or do anything with it how did your ex even see it?

Focus on moving right now. Everything else can wait

Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 08:41

He saw it because we were sitting having a drink on Saturday night, whilst I was out of the room I got an email on my phone from Pinterest, he picked up my phone and asked who what it was - I explained. He then started to read my emails. Who's this, who's that? Then he started to go through all my pictures. A bit odd. But I have nothing to hide.
He spent ages scrolling through them. I do have a lot of photo and video, 99% are the kids and dog. But there were 2 on there I had made of myself doing tiktoks - never posted them, which he accepts- but wouldn't let me show him on tiktok my actual content.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 21/09/2021 10:14

Why was the relationship secret? Is it because your eldest dd said she didn't want you in relationship? And why was that? Have you a history of bad relationship choices?

He sounds awful anyway. Regardless of you having nothing to hide reading your emails and searching through your phone is a huge red flag for controlling. So it's best he is gone.

If your eldest are not moving with you, they have no right to object to where you move. Especially if the option is homelessness!!

What age are the eldest who don't live with you? If adults then they are responsible for removing/storing they belongings, not you.

Original poster
feelinglostt · 21/09/2021 10:39

I do have a history or poor choices but not always. I've done the freedom program and am alert now for red flags.

It was secret from our friends as we wanted to make sure we actually worked out before announcing it. It wasn't secret just not announced.
Dd said if she met him she'd be rude to him - I simply asked why. She said I didn't respect her or her decisions. She said I was a sh*t mum.

The eldest are 20 & 21.
I tried to call eldest and have had an email saying I had until yesterday to call her now I'm blocked permanently on everything and that she going to tell everyone what a piece of sh*t I am.

OP posts:
MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 21/09/2021 10:42

Hello feelinglostt, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

TheFoundations · 21/09/2021 11:13

@feelinglostt

I know it's all my fault. I just don't know how to make myself better. I'm ruining everything.
How do you know that? What process are you using to get there? You've started a relationship, and you've made a video.

And so this is all your fault, and you deserve to be treated like this?

Are you sure that, if people around you were responding kindly to you, you would still feel that you were ruining everything?

Read it again: You've started a relationship, and you've made a video. Do you think that everybody who did these things is being treated the way that you are, or is it that you think there's something extra specially awful about you, that makes you deserve it, other than those things? If so, what is the extra specially awful thing?

If you think about it properly, you'll realise that there's nothing wrong with you, except the way that people are treating you. Step back from people who make you feel like crap.

BarefootHippieChick · 21/09/2021 11:22

If he left you over something as silly as that he's not worth your time anyway. Does your daughter not want you to get into another relationship because she thinks you make bad choices? If so, that might be something you need to think about for any future relationships, however, in all honesty it's your life, not your daughters, and she shouldn't have any say over who you decide to date. Regarding your daughters things, they've chosen to move out so give them an ultimatum, they collect their things before you move or they go to the tip. Finally, do you have any family or friends who can help you pack and move? And maybe help you paint too, when you're ready? I would move in first then think about decorating. One small step at a time. And most of all, remember to put yourself first.