Is leaving an abusive marriage with children actually worth it?

[Mydaughterhatesme]

Seriously I’ve had it this evening.

Leave stay it’s all pretty much f**d up.

I may be without him and he maybe nowhere to be seen for years but we share a child and its just a whole other load of issues to deal with.

It’s hard and I’m not sure it’s any less hard or I’ve caused any less damage to my child who is acting out terribly at just 5. I’m tired and stressed with money and the behaviour.

Was it worth it? My daughter basically says she hates me and when she sees daddy she will live with him and not me.

She's 5, little children say these things. She doesn't mean it and she doesn't really understand what she's saying - she is just pushing and testing emotional bonds - testing you as the secure, safe one.

What's going on in the relationship? Please think about the negative impact this may be having on your child.

I left years ago we are not together.

I know @category12 she is testing and testing me it really is and I’ve broke this evening and cried. I love this little girl and I’ve gone through hell these past years for her and day after day I hear I hate you I want daddy not you. I feel has it been worth it.

All the more important to get out of there. Clister b personality disorders such as npd and sociopathy form early in childhood. It is likely that is what her dad has, hense the abuse. The affect of seeing her father abuse you is already transferring onto her.

Get out of there asap and see about getting some therapy for the child. And yourself if pos.

Right now she is learning abusive behaviour by seeing her dad abuse you. There is no time to lose. GO!

Speak with womens aid for advice.

She knows it pushes your emotional buttons. She's just very little.

Are you getting any support as a family unit or for yourself after the abusive relationship?

She might like the idea of Daddy, but you have given her the greatest gift by getting out of an abusive relationship.
Stay strong

When I was little, I had a fantasy about what my dad was like (I never knew him) and it was a bit of a stick to beat my mum with. When I was older, that fantasy went right out the window.

You did the right thing getting out of the relationship, and things will get better.

That’s exactly it she loves the idea of him. The only memories she has of him are him sending gifts and not being me trying to parent her and do all the hard stuff. She knows he was bully to me and will say I want to be a bully like daddy. It breaks my heart because no she doesn’t.

No @category12 I did have an IDVA many moons ago but covid put a stop to that.

When I ask her why do you hate mummy she just says “ I don’t know I just do”. It was a couple of years ago but do you think she is copying the behaviour she saw?

Is she adjusting OK in school? No issues with aggression towards other kids?

Couldn't harm to take her to the gp just incase.
Chances are she is just being a kid and pushing your buttons but you need to keep a close eye on things as she ages. If she witnessed any abuse, even when she was as young as two or three, it can trigger issues.

And don't respond at all if she says she hates you.

Praise her when she is kind to people and helps out.

Might also be worthwhile to get a household pet on order to help develop her empathy for living things.

Um@Pinkbonbon they do say at school she is fine but she can literally only have one friend at a time who she obsesses with and gets upset if that friend wants to play with someone else.

I was going to buy her gerbils, have the cage ready but I said no now because of the I hate yous tonight.

Sending you big hugs. My DD did the same at age 5, it near broke my heart. I went through hell to get away from him, he took everything I had and it felt like I'd lost my child too. Fast forward now, 8 years later... with the benefit of hindsight and a lot of therapy for us both, I realise that she was testing me. It was a matter of how far do I need to push Mummy before she leaves me too? It was a child's solution to a complex problem.. you are her safe place and she will test you to your limit.

I'm not going to say it's easy, because it's not. Several times I've seriously felt I could not go on but each time I've mustered the ability to pick myself up and keep going. All I will say is the fantasy fades as they get older, and see the cracks, the gifts are seen for what they are a poor substitute for actual parenting/care.. they see the man for who he is. Then the anger comes. It's difficult all round and I can't predict how the coming years will be but on balance I thank god I got away as I sincerely believe it would be worse if I was still there.

Best advice I can give you is to respond to her with nothing but love, acceptance & clear boundaries no matter how hurtful her words are. Just remember her Father taught her how to treat you..

She also hates my mum and says I’m supposed to have a mum and a dad not a mum and a nan so I hate nanny.

I think I'd see if you can get her a child therapist to talk with. It couldn't harm.

I think you're doing the right thing with regards to discipline though. She can't be taught that it's OK to be mean and be rewarded for it afterall.

Hopefully its just a phase.

Get some professional help
Ask ho to refer you to counsellor
Soecualusex in children znd parents

Read
"How to talk so kids,will listen and listen..."

I hope it’s just a phase as I would never leave her. I’m driving myself into the ground to make a better life for us. I’m tired I think and just would really like a bit of a break.

My kids did this when I left my abusive ex. Before I left they were walking on eggshells so I think jt was a combination of realising they were safe to misbehave and also they did play us off against each other. It js worth it in the end because you are safe from him and the kids are ok in the end. It's hard at times though and you are obviously going through a hard time just now. Try and get support in real life. I have amazing friends but it took a while as he had isolated me from all sources of support.

Could your mum take her for a weekend or so and allow you to have a break? You gotta take care of yourself afterall. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

"It was a matter of how far do I need to push Mummy before she leaves me too? It was a child's solution to a complex problem.. you are her safe place and she will test you to your limit."

This. I remember having nightmares my Dad would leave, would just walk out one day and never come back like my mum did. It's scary losing a parent like that. You're coping the fear and anger because you're the one that's still there. It does get better, by the time I was 11 I knew I could trust my Dad to always be there and a few years later I realised that the best thing my Mum ever did for us was leave, so we weren't exposed to more of her abuse. She will understand one day. I wouldn't punish her for saying it. It used to upset our Dad when we talked about wanting to see our mum and that did its own damage. She needs to know she's completely safe with you no matter how big her emotions get. I know how hard that is, my 10 year old DD has anxiety and she screams "I hate you, nobody loves me" "I wish I was dead' it really hurts. I try to answer that I love her no matter what, I don't always manage, sometimes I'm not in a place to give the right answers and sometimes I need to walk away to another room for a bit so I don't respond in anger or hurt.

OP Does she see her father at all?

Children say horrible things. You have to get it into context. You know he is not a nice man. You split for good reasons and one of those reasons is her welfare.
I don't think she means what she is saying. You need to think about how you react to what she says - are you fuelling her fire?

Sending massive hugs to you. Please try and focus on the relationship between you and your dd and try not to 'compete' with the 'idea' of dad.

I really hope things will get better.

Thank you all for your comments. It’s very hard to not feel at fault and entirely responsible for all the pain she has. I’m trying to teach her that it’s ok to hurt but not to take that out on others. In a way that’s why I’ve been through therapy to not take out what happened to me on others.

What a complicated mess the after effects are.

It feels like being abused all over again….I love you I hate you, sorry not sorry repeat….she is 5 think that’s where my ex stopped growing at.

Yes yes yes it is
You are alive for many more years
You a worth a happier life than living with a man you dislike just because you have a child

I won’t pretend it’s easy , not in any way shape or form
You will need help
Legal
Support groups
Therapy
Friends
Family
School

But , it’s worth it and you deserve to be happier