Its now been 4 months since finding out I have been cheated on

[p12241342]

Well its been 4 months since finding out my wife had an affair that lasted 7 weeks (so she says) and ended up falling in love with him. How thats possible I don't really know.

But anyway ......

Fast forward to today and things are no easier with regards to feelings but a little better with regards to how we are with each other. We decided to stay together and try and make things work. But its hard, very hard.

We now hold hands, kiss she tells me she loves me multiple times per day. Things are better. I see she is really trying, but in my head I'm fighting demons.

I cant get out my head that she must still have feelings for him and she must still think about him. She says she doesn't but I know she does and I then think she is lying to me even now.

She admitted a couple of months ago that she has feelings for him and still misses what that had. She also told me she didn't know if she was falling out of love with me. Since then she now says we was in a bad place and she knows what she wants and thats me and our family. She says she loves me and she knows she loves me and has no feelings for him and he's isn't on her mind.

I think she is lying. But what if she isnt>? What if she is telling the truth and all she wants is us? We made a decision to sell up and move 30 miles away and we are due to complete in December. Am I doing the right thing? As we are moving to the city that her AP works but he doesn't live there. Its a big place so things should be fine.

She makes all the right moves and in one way I do believe her but in another I think how can she love me when she did what she did. But the fact is a few months ago she told me she had feelings for the AP and now she doesn't...

She was honest a couple of days ago and told me she seen him drive past. She didn't have to no one else was in the car and I never would have known but she said she felt she had to tell me. Is that a good sign or is that a way of deflecting me away from the real issue.

I think you're still in the very very early stages of recovery.
Did she tell you about the affair or did you find out another way?
I think things can work and people can have periods of foolishness and cold feet etc. Only you will know if you think you can eventually trust her again, and it sounds like she is trying to do the right things to build that trust.

You'd be better off posting in r/asoneafterinfidelity on reddit, its a community for people in the same boat as you.

Most people here will just tell you to leave. They may be right, but only you know what you want.

I could have written virtually the same as you but in my case he had the affair.

It took me kicking him out of our home for a few weeks to get some head space.
His affair lasted approximately 3 months not quite meeting weekly but nearly, he told me all details more than I wanted to know if I'm honest.
Both told spouses going to work both put uniforms on and would meet at a grotty guesthouse during lockdown 3.
I was even pregnant at the time.

I really haven't gotten over the fact he had an affair but what I realised was no matter how many ways I sliced it up it happened the lies happened they go together no one leaves home and says oh going to meet affair partner so I accepted the lies and deceit. Not forgiven but accepted it

Your wife sounds exactly the same as my partner telling me he loves me all the time trying so hard to put right. He can never put it right. But I have asked him to change is number he has done so never contact again not that he has done since affair ended, he even gave me her number and I text her and asked details this was when I found out he didn't know what she was saying and the stories matched almost perfectly.
She was on verge of divorce apprantly and he listened at work then affair began.

I don't know if you have all the details but the only way I have managed to make sense is to get all the details I could possibly some I didn't want to know as almost to much information but I have made decisions from knowing what I know.

Whilst you still have questions you can't close the book almost.
My partner was open to all questions when I found out he answered everything showed me bank statement so knew how often where etc and the only thing he can't answer is why.

He knew he wanted me and baby on way but she was like an addiction, he is also going to counselling and we soon go together.

Everyone's immediate reaction is once a cheater always a cheater but only you know your wife like only I know my partner and watching him tell me everything and the guilt he was in, along with my desire to give my baby son the chance of growing up with his parents together has made me pull through it.

If you need more answers she should be willing to answer them if she has same number ask her to change it is she remorseful or guilty and what do you feel.

I wish you the best it's horrible

Hi JLE38

Sorry for the late reply I have only just come across your message.

First of all I really hope things are starting to get a bit better for you as I know exactly how your feeling. It sometimes give you a sense of hope knowing that people DO, get through this and your not the only one going through this pain, There are people just like me that knows exactly what your going through on a daily basis and how your feeling. Just hang in there. Im told it does get better.

I would say your lucky. It sounds like your partner has been honest with you from the start and you have the comfort that the stories match.

Im my case my wife is doing everything she can but I have a feeling she isn't being honest and she is still lying.

She says she has no feelings for her AP, she doesn't think about him and she doesn't miss him. (How could that be? Its the lies thats destroying our relationship more than what she has done.) But she must do. How is that not possible. She told him she loved him, she told me she loved him (even though she was only with him 7 weeks again so she says) and now she says it wasn't love. It was just 5 weeks ago she sat me down and said she has just admitted to herself 3 months after D Day she does has feelings for him and thought she was falling out of love with me.

Now 5 weeks later she doesn't love him she loves me blah blah blah. My head is messed up and I don't know what to believe. But she tried so hard around me.

I wish I was in your posistion where I had been told the truth. I just can see it in her face she isn't being honest or is that just me with my guard up not wanting to get hurt again but at the same time pushing her away.

But she says i'm pushing her away. May be I am. She does every thing she can to try and make me feel better. Sometimes I really think she gets it, but others she will say "I cant do this for ever" and "I need to start moving on and getting over it".

I would say your partner sounds like he is doing everything a partner should be doing at this stage and as long as he is making you feel safe and confident that the affair is truly over thats all he can do right now.

Your happiness lies with you and don't rely on someone else to make you feel happy and good about yourself. Well, so people keep telling me anyway. If you master how to do this please can you try and explain it to me as I want to move on but I just feel stuck.

I hope things are getting better for you and continue to improve. I wish you all the best for the future and hope you and your family manage to work through these hard times.

Have you considered joint counselling?

It's early days and I think it's pretty normal to doubt.

However, if you just carry on doubting anything and everything, you are going to struggle to build something together again.

What would like her to do that would allow you to trust her again? Have you told her that? Did she do it?

Hi Thisthatandtheotherthing

Sorry about the delay in getting back to you.

The affair come out in the middle of an argument after my wife had been drinking. She doesn't normally drink and in the middle of an argument I asked her 3 times if she had someone else and she said no each time. I asked her to swear on our children (right or wrong I did say that) and she then admitted it. She admitted it had been going on for 7 weeks and only slept with him once. She later told me she was confused, then she wasn't, then she missed him, then she didn't and so on up to the present day where she now loves me so she says and feels nothing for him and see it as a mistake. So she says.....

Since then with lots of ups and downs, we have stayed together and we are working through it. Its very hard and draining at times but we are sticking in there.

She was with him the night of discovery in his car for an hour or so. It would have happened again the next night and the night after etc. She says she felt guilty and knows it was wrong but continued to do it every day. This affair had no plans on stopping. The affair stopped on the following day after she told me when she sent him a text saying it was over. The thing is she swears she has never been back in touch with him since but I find that very hard to believe.

Im stuck in a situation where I don't want to leave my wife but I feel what she is telling me is unbelievable and its not true. All i want is the truth.

I feel I cant even start to move on because until I know the feelings she had / has for he AP have gone i'm stuck living every day in the hell of what i believe to be dishonesty.

Hello Energy4You

I tried counselling on my own but didn't find it much use. My wife was open to counselling and she even attend the initial consultation, but I decided to put a stop to it as I found it to be very expensive and didn't get anything out of it when I did the counselling alone.

Its been 5 months since D Day.

We have talked about what I need and what I would expect her todo in order for me to heal.

To be honest what she said she would do, she has done. Its more about can I trust her saying that she hasn't been in-contact with him since they ended the affair via text the day after D Day . Does she still have feelings for him?

Its more about her feelings for him and no contact that I struggle with. Because if they did love each other after 7 weeks and if it really was just 7 weeks how did she just send him a 3 line text saying its over and he said ok no problem and that was the end of that.

It just sounds to unbelievable.

For the first 3 months after D Day she would tell me she had no feelings and didn't miss him, but 5 weeks ago she now says she does or did and has only just admitted it to herself.

Now again 5 weeks later she doesn't. Its like I now cant believe what she says as she changed her mind so many times. But she is now really saying its over, it was a mistake its me she wants and she is going no where and will make this work. But says we cant carry on like this for ever and at some point i need to try and move on.

@p12241342 I’m so sorry you have been so badly hurt.

5 months out from DDay isn’t very far at all, it can take a long, long time to get anywhere near recovery.
“Moving on” is a process, which cannot be rushed. Your wife might indeed feel that she wants to put it all behind her, but she is in possession of all the facts, and knows what she is trying to leave in the past.

You are at present trying to do a jigsaw puzzle of what your life actually was, without the full picture on the lid of the box and you don’t even know if there are any pieces missing, or if the pieces you have really belong to that puzzle.
She needs to answer all your questions openly and honestly. Anything other than that is mental torture and if she loves you, why is she subjecting your to that? She need to understand that full disclosure leads to trust. You can’t trust her at present because she has proved herself to be untrustworthy. She needs to earn that back. Google ‘Linda and Doug emotional affair’ there is plenty on there to help.
Don’t try to piece it all together without clear information from her, you’re torturing yourself. Read up on how to heal from an affair and tell her that you can’t only move on and put it in the past if she is willing to answer everything.

Take care, this stuff is horrible.

I had an affair, and left when he discovered it, but I would have left anyway.
I'd ask her why she stayed, it could have been fear, it could have been truly not wanting to lose you, or it could have been not wanting to destroy your family life.

And, why did she cheat in the first place, what wasn't she getting from your relationship? Because whatever was missing is likely to still be missing for her.

And, the thing about cheating... Once you cross that line it's easy to cross again

@WanderingLost167, why she cheated in the first place has absolutely nothing to do with what might have been missing from the relationship. People in happy relationships cheat too.
If she was unhappy then she had the chance to say that and give OP the chance to work on their relationship with her. If OP didn’t do that, then she had the choice of telling him he wasn’t doing enough and that she would leave. If OP still did nothing, she should have left. These are the ethical choices available to someone if they are unhappy in their relationship.
Her cheating was her choice, amongst the many other morally sound choices she could have made which did not involve enjoying whatever she does get from the relationship with OP, (clearly something, or she would have just left him) whilst getting other things from the affair by lying to him, deceiving him and ultimately hurting him beyond measure.

OP do not listen to the ‘something missing from the relationship’ claptrap trotted out by those who cheat as an excuse for their own poor choices when faced with life’s difficulties.
You may be responsible for 50% of any issues in your relationship, and will need on work on those and take responsibility for them as you reconcile, but she is 100% to blame for cheating and it is not at all your fault nor the relationship’s fault for her choice to have an affair. The unfaithful like to think this as it shifts responsibility for their bad behaviour onto others. This is merely victim blaming to make the perpetrator feel less guilty.
It’s also only easier for cheaters to cross the line again if they still haven’t taken full responsibility for their first episode of cheating, have little to no empathy, still believe that feeling guilty means quickly search for someone or something else to blame, have learned nothing from it and still call out others for doing something that was their own deliberate choice.
Relationship difficulties should mean honest open discussions with boundaries and consequences, not being used as an excuse to selfishly get your needs met by lying, deceiving and hurting others.

You need to know why she had an affair and you need full disclosure.

This is the minimum you deserve!!!!

You can't start to heal until you know everything

@WanderingLost167

I had an affair, and left when he discovered it, but I would have left anyway. I'd ask her why she stayed, it could have been fear, it could have been truly not wanting to lose you, or it could have been not wanting to destroy your family life.

And, why did she cheat in the first place, what wasn't she getting from your relationship? Because whatever was missing is likely to still be missing for her.

And, the thing about cheating... Once you cross that line it's easy to cross again

This isn’t YOUR marriage wanderinglost it’s OP. And Wookie is absolutely right. It’s that kind of victim blaming that has betrayed partners twisting themselves into pretzels to try and not get cheated on again. It’s detrimental for any chance of recovery in the marriage. And plenty of people cheat because they just want more, and are selfish and entitled enough to believe they should have it.

OP you’re still so early into your recovery. Please be patient with yourself. Is your wife working on being a safe partner? Do you have the full story? Has she unlocked her whys? Is she transparent with devices? Are you following the guidance in ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ which is so clear. Even with all this is place it still takes time to process the pain.

For what it’s worth I don’t consider affair ‘love’ to be anything like real love, limerance is a thing and it’s nasty. Its addictive and almost drug like, enabling a really dark side of themselves.

My worry is that you’re second guessing so much. I fear that she’s not talking to you as much as you need for you to get true answers. That could be shame or guilt, but she needs to understand how important this is to you for your healing if she truly wants to get to a better place.

I'm not victim blaming, I'm simply saying find out what SHE thought was missing, whether it was or not is almost irrelevant. You're right, we all tell ourselves a story to justify our actions, not just those who cheat but in all of our lives. We all have a version and interpretation of events. So what was hers? The reason being if she continues to feel that way then there's little chance of the relationship changing long term.

And.. I'll say what I said before, frankly, as someone who did cheat I knew if I stayed married I would have cheated again, that's why I left.

I hate to say this but I doubt the affair is over. Previous experience and her behaviour towards you now.

A broken marriage is like a broken vase. Both can be repaired and hold water and look perfect from the outside. But the crack in the vase will always be there - if you truly don't see it anymore (and it is definitely possible) you'll be ok and everything is fine - if it bothers you every time you pass it then you need buy a new vase.

@WanderingLost167

We have spoken about why she cheated. Many times

She said she knows that she has done wrong and she can see just how wrong it was and how many people she has hurt. She has assured me it would never happen again and what they had is completely truly over.

She said that no one made her cheat and she made the choice and many choices along the way. She takes full responsibility for everything thats happened with regards to cheating, the affair and the people that she has hurt.

When asked why - she said that she felt neglected. She said I didn't listen to her or even have time for her. I would come home, speak with the kids and not have anything to say to her. I would never ask how she was, how she feels, how her day has been. We would go to bed, get up, go to work have tea and do the same again the next day. I do agree with her, it was exactly like that and I can see the part that I have played in this.

But I wish she had spoken with me and at least given me a chance to work it out. I wasn't given that chance and I didn't know she felt that way. There is no excuse for cheating and she agrees.

She kept telling me that he made her happy, he made her feel good. Which hurts to hear. But I understand that any new relationship will have them feelings at the start. Its going to feel nice its going to feel good.

The thing I don't get is

1. How she could do this to me and our kids

1. If she really loved me how could she get herself into this situation

1. How could she have fallen in love in just 7 weeks (which now she says she didn't really love him) Which I believe is just words

1. How can she now switch her feelings off. How can she not think about him, miss him or what they had or even feel love for him.

It was a 7 week fling. Well thats what i'm told. How could she fall in love or even consider being confused and compare a 7 week fling with a 20 year bond.

She saying she wants to move on with our lives and wish the whole thing had never happened. But it did and i'm stuck in a place where i'm going around in circles thinking if she has feelings for him.

I don't know if she is saying what I need to hear. Are they just words. Can I trust her again and is it 100% over in reality and in her mind and heart.

I want to trust her. The question is can I

Well she claimed to love him as well. So either she lied to him, lied to you or doesn’t know what love is. None of these options are very palatable.

@SprayedWithDettol

Thats exactly what i said.

I said, did you lie to him as well then. She said she loves me and no one else and that was the mistake the whole affair was the mistake. She keeps saying the mistake was the affair and thinking she loved him when she clearly didn't. She understands it was 7 weeks and she was stupid.

She has never been the kind of person to lie in the 21 years I have known her. She has always been so straight and I can say that for sure. This is out of character for her and thats why i'm finding this so hard to believe.

But she did tell him she loved him. She says they never talked about leaving me and they never had a plan. I find that hard to believe. Because if you love some one you would make plans wouldn't you?

I keep thinking she has chosen to be with me and I should put it behind me and concentrate on the future but i'm thinking is there more to this

So, from my experience I was unhappy but an affair felt like a good middle ground, where the kids didn't have their lives uprooted for the almost selfishness of my unhappiness. My ex, I was angry at him because I wasn't getting what I needed (in my case I had tried to discuss it and gotten nowhere).
Yes, she did have feelings for him, it is like a whirlwind when you meet someone and the chemistry is right. Yes, she probably still does. But leaving is scary, and there may be a desire on her part to calm and minimise everything and just move on.

Oh and I had never looked at another man until... Well somehow I just did.

@WanderingLost167

Thanks for replying. Its good to hear from someone thats been in my wife's shoes.

As I haven't been there, I don't know what she is going through. But at the same time she doesn't know what i'm going through. People think they understand i suppose from both sides of the fence. But until you have been there and lived it you don't have a clue.

She also admits she was selfish. But she acts like its the worst thing ever. Like it should never have happened and she wished it hadn't happened. But thats not the case. She got exactly what she wanted out the affair and its was continuing on DDay and would have carried on beyond if she hadn't have told me on that night.

She cant see the affair in the same horrible light as I do. I keep saying she is sorry about the hurt she has caused but not about the affair. She just says she is sorry for all of it and wishes it never happened.

My biggest problem is she says she has no feelings for him, she doesn't miss him or even think about him. Its like she thinks i'm a fool. How can you turn off your feelings?

Even though it was seven weeks and a lot of texting and seeing him for a couple of hours each night it was bloody 7 weeks. How could she be in love. Why was she still pinning for him 3 months into our recovery but now all feelings have gone.

From your experience did your feelings go after no contact for 5 months or so.

And thats another thing how do I even know she isn't in contact with him. But she said she wouldn't do that and what would be the point in the last 5 months work in healing if she is still in contact.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

It sounds like she is trying to say the right things to reassure you, and maybe to herself too.

My affair went on for considerably longer, and we had periods where we weren't in contact. We always make contact again though. It's hard to end.

@WanderingLost167

Thats what i thought. I keep thinking she is trying to say all the right things and she is trying to suppress her feelings for him.

She sent a text telling him it was over and he said Ok thats fine he respects her decision. He then tried calling her on the Monday knowing i would be away. She was honest and told me and swears that they have never been in contact since. But if he loved her and she loved him wouldn't he want an explanation.

I said this to her and she said but it wanst like a normal relationship he knew she had me and a family.

I cant believe that they havent been in touch some how. She has blocked him on her phone removed the apps etc but they could still be in contact and for all i know they probably are

OP, why are you moving to the city where he works? It doesn't make sense. They could meet up during the day while he is there.
Who suggested to move to that city?
I would be suspicious....

Does your wife feel depressed? After affair abruptly ended, she should go through so called "withdrawal" period mourning the end of relationship.
If she is not, there is a good chance they are still talking and probably making plans to meet.