Its now been 4 months since finding out I have been cheated on

[p12241342]

Well its been 4 months since finding out my wife had an affair that lasted 7 weeks (so she says) and ended up falling in love with him. How thats possible I don't really know.

But anyway ......

Fast forward to today and things are no easier with regards to feelings but a little better with regards to how we are with each other. We decided to stay together and try and make things work. But its hard, very hard.

We now hold hands, kiss she tells me she loves me multiple times per day. Things are better. I see she is really trying, but in my head I'm fighting demons.

I cant get out my head that she must still have feelings for him and she must still think about him. She says she doesn't but I know she does and I then think she is lying to me even now.

She admitted a couple of months ago that she has feelings for him and still misses what that had. She also told me she didn't know if she was falling out of love with me. Since then she now says we was in a bad place and she knows what she wants and thats me and our family. She says she loves me and she knows she loves me and has no feelings for him and he's isn't on her mind.

I think she is lying. But what if she isnt>? What if she is telling the truth and all she wants is us? We made a decision to sell up and move 30 miles away and we are due to complete in December. Am I doing the right thing? As we are moving to the city that her AP works but he doesn't live there. Its a big place so things should be fine.

She makes all the right moves and in one way I do believe her but in another I think how can she love me when she did what she did. But the fact is a few months ago she told me she had feelings for the AP and now she doesn't...

She was honest a couple of days ago and told me she seen him drive past. She didn't have to no one else was in the car and I never would have known but she said she felt she had to tell me. Is that a good sign or is that a way of deflecting me away from the real issue.

@tropicalwaterdiver

He lives in the town where we live at the moment. But he travels to work in the town we are moving too.

When he is working she will be in another town working and when we are home he will be miles away in his own town which is the one we live in now.

The move was my idea, She has family there and its a nice place to live. She would be miles away when he is working in our new home town so they shouldn't be able to meet up.

Does that make sense

@tropicalwaterdiver

I wouldn't say she has been depressed, but there were periods where she seemed down or distracted and upset when i mentioned him. She would say to me every day that she doesn't miss him, she doesn't care about him etc and she swore every day she doesn't love him or even want to be with him. She did this for 3 months every day after DDay and in the end she admitted she does still have feelings for him and it was more about the way he made her feel that she missed.

But now just 8 weeks later she is saying her head was messed up at that time she doesn't love him she never did she doesn't miss him or even think about him and all she wants is us and our family back together. She keeps saying how sorry she is and swears she will never do this again.

She keeps saying she made a huge mistake and its hurt some many people including me and her kids. She understands what she did was wrong and believes she is a horrible person for whats happened.

But she keeps saying to me I cant keep doing this I have to try and move on. She says she understands I have to talk about it which I do every day but she says we have to try and move past this or we will get stuck.

The high of an affair is very addictive. It is possible that everything she felt within the bubble felt like ‘love’, or at least falling in love. The initial stages of a new relationship are like that, getting high from the unearned flattery, the attention, listening for everything you long to hear. In the affair bubble it’s love, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s forbidden, it awakens the ‘falling in love’ feelings which were present at the start of the long term relationship but which naturally diminish over time. It feels addictive, it adds a new colour to life and reminded her of her old freedom, no husband, no kids, no responsibilities. However, it’s not the real world. It’s a world where you can dress up, show your best side, hide your flaws, be whoever you want to project and leave life’s baggage at the door. Fantasy Island. Nobody knows about it, so where’s the harm? He doesn’t pay me enough attention, my life is boring, I deserve this......
Then the whole thing is discovered and new man and ‘love’ and ‘specialness’ is dragged under the truth microscope and shown up for what it is. A selfish escape. Nothing more. An escape from life’s issues which was far more attractive and fun than tackling them honestly with her partner. A huge bucket of illicit fun sand to shove her head in instead of facing real life and responsibilities, including her responsibilities in her relationship to you. Because she wasn’t neglecting you or causing any issues in your relationship, no doubt. That will be on you, because she thinks she is the blameless victim who, despite feeling so neglected, wanted to continue to enjoy the family and security you help provide whilst pursuing her own fun behind your back. Poor woman. Not.
I doubt she loved him, OP. It would have been a head rush of falling in love chemicals and novelty. That’s why she can say she realises she didn’t love him, despite telling you she told him that. In the affair bubble she never had to look at life without you, without family life, without the person she has a shared history with and loved enough to marry and stay 20 years with. She is no doubt horrified at herself currently and what she did, no doubt desperate to put it as far behind her as possible as she’s trashed every standard she probably ever held dear and for what? A seven week hormone rush? People in affairs tell each other what the other person wants to hear. Lying to either party poses no problem, they are already lying to their significant others and even their children, so lying to new man is a cinch. She wants to carry on seeing him, he says he loves her, if she says “No, I don’t really love you, I’ve kind of got carried away with the way this whole thing makes me feel and I’m in it for shits and giggles.” That’s the end of love’s young (ish) dream right there. They lie to everyone OP, including themselves. If she’s still addicted to the high then it may or may not be over, but I doubt very much that it is or ever was real love. Real love can stand the light of day shining on it and her choice would be far easier.
She’s fucked up royally and now sees the pain her choices have caused and what she nearly lost. You can’t turn real feelings on and off like a tap, no. So I would strongly suggest she knows her affair ‘love’ was utter bollocks.

She needs to see that sweeping it under the rug can’t happen. You are suffering and catching up with the reality of what your life was. She needs to explain it all fully and honestly and commit. No other way back. But ‘love’? Give me a break.

Four months is wayyy too early to be able to “move on”. It’s understandable that she wants to distance herself and stop talking about it, it makes her feel like shit, but life has consequences and she needs to see that the consequences of what she did to you and your relationship are that she has deeply hurt you, destroyed trust, left you traumatised and made you question everything about her, your marriage, yourself and your sanity. This is no small thing which can be neatly tucked away in a box and ignored.
Go online and get resources to help both you and her. She needs to see the reality of what her behaviour has caused and deal with it. You should be her priority now, her desire to shut down guilt to make herself feel better should come way after that.
If you continue to talk about it into eternity then no, that’s not healthy and if she is doing everything she can to put things right, you have to decide to accept what has happened and start to focus on your relationship and the future. That much is correct, but her timeline is way off. She can’t feel eternally reminded of and punished for what she did, no, but she really hasn’t scratched the surface in four months. If she wants to stop talking about it now and ‘just move on’ then she’s learned nothing, hasn’t really fully understood the impact of what she’s done and that would be it for me, I’m afraid. The relationship was 7 weeks long and you’re supposed to get over betrayal in 16? Not going to happen, sadly. She needs to read up on affairs and what she needs to do to be a safe committed partner to you. The onus is in her now, not you to ‘hurry up and just get over it’. You do eventually (not necessarily yet) have to make a decision as to whether you believe her or not though, OP. Ongoing torture is not an option.

@Thewookiemustgo

Thank you for your words and input. I agree with pretty much everything you have said.

I cant get how a 7 week fling could be love.... But who am I to diss what she feels or what she doesn't feel. Im just left with her saying she knows it wasn't love and she was stupid. She either really does see that now her head is out of the affair fog or she is lying to me. But if she doesn't love him that means she has lied to him too when she said she did.

I have said to her you thought you loved him and she will say she didn't and I will say but, you did as you told him and she will respond, well I know I didn't love him I really do see that now. Is she just telling me what I want to hear.

A lot of what she says now sounds like she is just saying words and what I need to hear. I think thats because I have heard the answers so many times.

But what if she is telling the truth and she does just want to put this behind us and move on. What it she doesn't have feelings for him. May be i'm pushing her away.

We are going around in circles she said she doesn't i say she does. We aren't getting out this hole. How do i trust, when do i trust and should i even trust at all.

She could be texting him right now but something inside wants me to trust that after all this mess she really would't do that.

I just don't know if i'm stupid. I was stupid when this was going on behind my back and I could be stupid right now

I'm sorry your going through this op but the affair is definately still going on and if it's not it will be started again soon. She's telling you what you want to hear so as you can forget about it and move on. This is her playing mind games with you. She might have thought it was love with AP, more than likely it was lust. The majority of affairs don't just finish, there is always unresolved feelings, emotions, words etc.

@p12241342 you’re welcome.

It’s really, really early days yet after betrayal to be able to just put this behind you and a totally unrealistic expectation.
It’s completely normal to question everything she says, you feel you can no longer trust her.
You are caught in the horrible dilemma of the betrayed, which is whether to trust again or not. And the sad thing is that nobody on here can tell you whether that is a good idea or not.
Nobody on here can say whether the affair is definitely not over or definitely over, unless they know the parties involved and are witness to it, nobody can possibly know whether someone is lying or not. So ignore that. It’s unhelpful.
We can never trust anyone 100%. We think we know people well enough to predict what they would do in a given set of circumstances but there is never, ever a guarantee.
You have to decide whether or not, in the light of your circumstances and her behaviour, you can live with her with that uncertainty. The uncertainty we all have in our relationships. No relationship is ever guaranteed. With or without infidelity.
If you decide you can’t, there is no shame in not trying to save things and ending the relationship. Nobody says you have to try.
If you do decide you can live with that, and you are willing to try, then you have to decide whether your relationship is truly worth saving. Be honest with each other. Write down what reasons you have for wanting to continue together. Yours and hers.
If there are enough of them and they are not fear-based, then you have to set your boundaries loud and clear, of what you will and will not tolerate. Loud and clear, OP. She gets one shot at this and one shot only. You have to be prepared to follow through if she fucks up and she needs to know that.
There is no shame in giving her a last chance, you’re no fool, and no shame in deciding that you can’t continue in the relationship. She has broken it and needs to repair that damage.
If you decide to stay, you have to decide to trust her word. Not trust, but decide to trust. Very, very hard, but you won’t just trust automatically again for a very, very long time, sadly. You have to decide to trust her, to take her at her word, and go from there. It really is a decision. You won’t feel trust, you will doubt and wonder, until she has proved herself. Which will take a very long time. But decide you must if you stand a chance as a couple. Snooping and interrogating if you stay together will eat away at the relationship and ruin it.
Make a decision, tell her one more sniff of any of this and you’re gone. Last chance saloon.
If you wait for everything to be to be OK again and for full trust to magically reappear, you’ll wait a long time. You have to rebuild based on a mutual decision within boundaries and work from there. It’s not for the faint hearted. But only you can decide whether or not you want to do it. It’s totally acceptable to decide that you can’t and you want to separate. Don’t get guilted into staying if you really can’t. It’s completely understandable. She did this, you didn’t.

Hi I have just seen your reply and wanted to add some details.

My partner also told his AP regularly he loved her and she replied the same and would randomly text in the day love you etc.
I did really struggle if it was only 3 months and by the end they both had there fun but seemed to realise there mistake and pull away from each other she left the site they worked in Feb this year and he left 2 weeks later. You don't know you love someone in a matter of months if only meeting once a week staying in a hotel room for 6 hrs, yes they did meet some mornings he would take his dog out and she would meet him, so the affair there was not just sex you don't meet someone outside of the hotel if its just sex. I'm pretty sure after work most evenings they shared a kiss and cuddle as his commute suddenly lengthened by 30 mins.

I don't know if there is a way where you could speak to the affair partner, least then you would know if she is telling the truth length of affair etc how began finished.
I found it helped I wasn't even rude to affair partner I just messaged asked her for the truth and I deserved it, she replied over course of 2 days to all my messages probably around 15 it settled my mind.

He had to go onto itemised bills to get her number as he had long blocked and deleted it so there is a way she can get it.

I also think from some of your posts you seem to be doing more than she is to fix your marriage, I maybe wrong there.
But you have agreed to move closer to affair partner it may not be in mind now but I would hazard a guess it will be.

On these forums I have found more help than just a couple of close friends that are aware as you say its knowing your not alone.

Don't get me wrong I have bad days trigger days for example I know the first date they stopped in hotel is the 9th Nov I really know all details that date is etched In my mind and the closer it gets I know I'm getting more anxious and tense.
Then the most painful of dates quickly follows the weekend 14th Nov, he asked prior mind if I head to his mates did not know this mate someone from work gonna grab a beer and football or something and sleep on his sofa as closer to work and half day Sunday, I said no way don't know this person from Adam so don't particularly fair not did not trust at that time but had a inkling as his behaviour was odd in weeks proceeding phone hiding etc, he did book overnight but left her in hotel at midnight came home got in bed next to me goodnight kiss got up at 6am and went back to her till checkout at 11am. How he could Do that I have no idea.

Please though your wife must be honest or the questions will eat away at your life and the best way to get answers is ask the other party he could say go away or maybe he may have enough of a heart to actually answer.
I do wish you the very best and ever fancy sending a pm then please do, I found someone who helped me a couple of months ago and it really did help.
Whether its a rant bad day etc happy to read and reply I'm on mat leave too so available most of the time.